TL;DR: my boyfriend switches personalities completely on solo trips and i’m not sure if we should stay together anymore.
Me and my boyfriend started dating in high school when we were 16 and 17. We then went on to be in the same university.
It has always been a great relationship and we are really compatible. When the relationship started, I was the kind of girl who wanted to date a lot of guys and experiment. Used to love partying and having alcohol. He was the exact opposite – never consumed any alcohol or had any interest in partying. I sorta convinced him to start doing that for me and in hindsight that was ofc extremely wrong.
He was my first ever relationship and ever since then i’ve never wanted to date anyone else. So it’s been a rollercoaster of emotions the past 10 years – but nothing out of the ordinary. He has always been the one who was more in love with me and had his entire life revolve around me. He has been my support system throughout my life and has helped me navigate a lot of shit be it anxiety, studying and even my career. He has always showed up and carried the weight of the relationship.
He has also never had the kind of freedom i had with partying and going out and stuff. He has always lived with his parents and has a remote job so doesnt really have a social circle back home.
This year he was exposed to solo travelling amd things just changed drastically. Whenever he goes on trips – his entire personality just changes. He parties and drinks everyday, hangs out with people till 5am (at home he is always the kind who wants to be in bed by 11pm). And somehow mostly all the friends he makes are women. Now the woman thing doesnt usually bother me because it is platonic and he has always been brutally honest with me about what he does.
But then his entire worldview just shifts. Back home he tells me he wants to get settled with me, marry me and stuff. And then as soon as his trips begin – he’s like i dont think im marriage material or oh i dont know what i want anymore. He has even told me his fleeting thoughts during trips that we should try dating other people cz “we dont know whats out there”. And what sucks is that when he comes back home – he is back to his old self.
He also made a new friend on his current trip and was like he has an emotional bond with her. I asked if he has feelings or wants to date her – he said no. Then he tells me that the girl called him and told him she slept with a guy and he felt bad. What is that suppsed to even mean? How can you feel bad if you dont have feelings for her?
He even invited this girl to sleep over in his airbnb on the same bed because the train station was closer to his place. He told me there was a gap between the two of them and they didn’t touch. He then went to drop her at the station where they hugged and she kissed his cheek.
He told me multiple times that nothing happened between them but i can just go off the vibes he gives off right? Plus i have a lot of trust issues because of my dad being a serial cheater – so i do expect him to reassure me every now and then.
Now to be fair he has been completely and brutally honest with me about everything and is not the kind of guy who would just fuck around.
There have also been other grey areas like when he went skinny dipping with a group of people and then played human tower where a naked chick was legit on his shoulders. He told me there was nothing sexual about it and was just having fun.
This entire thing is draining me so much and I just dont know if this relationship is worth it anymore or not. I want to be supportive in his “self discovery” because he has been with me through everything and I still love him deeply. But how can i be there if he’s not sure about me on trips? How can the feelings change so instantly? I’ve been going through these feelings on and off for the past 9 months with no clarity on whether we have a future.
We’ve tried a low contact break but he just doesnt sit alone with his thoughts and constantly fills up his time with other people so the break just doesnt help.
I get that we’re not the same people we were when we started dating but you’d atleast expect the certainty about each other at this point, when we might be thinking of settling down soon. And i dont know which part of him is the real version – the one on trips or the one back home. Even on trips if i ask him if he sees a future with me – he says yes but he doesnt know what he wants “right now”. But how do i believe in a future together when the present isn’t good enough?
If anyone has gone through something similar, I would love some advice on what to do. Should I be patient and help him navigate this phase ot should i just break up with him? Idts the “break” thing is going to work because there’s just so much history and feelings involved