I am 21m and have no success in dating for many reasons I think I am very introverted and I don’t like dropping my guard and I think I may be neurodivergent or autistic which can make me different to most. Anyway all the advice I see it just insults. “You need to shower and clean yourself” yeah no shit detective like why is that your first thought also if that is a problem for someone then dating should not be their primary concern. “Don’t be too nice” I will always thank you and be kind and see no pleasure in treating people poorly, so long as I exist I will do everything in my power to benefit those who deserve it and if this makes me seem weak or pathetic than I would rather die alone than conform to your bullshit. Any of this advice that encourages playing politics is dumb. I am referring to when people say don’t be too available or respond too quickly, am I to pretend to not see a message so someone doesn’t think I care about them too much. I know this a big rant but damn I don’t think I am anything crazy but I am not a monster. I am just normal guy who would love meet and connect and bond with another soul. People talking about how I need to rewire my entire character to get women like me are you insane. I like classic music and stop motion animation and fantasy novels if these things are too nerdy and something I shouldn’t talk about than the person I am talking to judgmental fuck. The crazy part is there is enough of these insane people spouting their nonsense to make me doubt myself.


17 comments

  1. It’s cause people in relationships like to think they earned them, and people not in relationships like to think they can be earned. 

  2. I agree with most of your post, but “don’t be too nice” doesn’t mean “treat people poorly”. It just means dont be a kiss-ass

  3. Truth is a lot of the relationship have a lot of luck involved in them working out. But people don’t know for sure what got them there, so they just give random things they did that might be either completely unrelated or that worked only in their specific niche case.

    I m in a 5 year relationship and imma be honest if we didn’t have the extreme luck to be at the right place at the right time, we wouldn’t have met and nothing would have happened between us. Also, I could tell you step by step what I did, but I don’t know for sure which of those steps worked.

    Some people say “oh say X thing” but maybe for them it worked because the person was already interested, maybe it was more the way they said it, not the words, maybe it was the timing, who knows if that was significant, and if it was who knows **what exactly about it made it significant.**

    Ofc people can give great advice sometimes, especially if they know your specific situation, but it’s very hard to give advice that is generally true. Especially because we have factors like culture, age, and so on to consider.

  4. Do you ever think maybe you have problems interpreting the advice? A negative minded guy feels attacked, a curious, positive learner thinks when someone says shower and clean yourself “oooh girls like cleaning looking good smelling guys”. Same with “dont be too nice” you can take it as an insult or advice of not being a door mat. The word “too” before nice is open to interpretation….

  5. Brother, first off, you have PEAK hobbies. I’ve been thinking about getting into stop motion, but I honestly don’t know where to start.

    Anyway, back on topic lol, I agree with you that there’s bad advice out there. You shouldn’t have to change yourself to get people to like you.

    Also, you’re 21. You’re young and still figuring things out. The biggest thing that stuck out to me is when you said that you were introverted and you don’t like dropping your guard. I’m an introvert too, but I’ve made an effort to be open to the point where people don’t think I’m introverted lol.

    Practice your social skills. Put yourself out there. Women like confidence. Looks matter to a degree, and they fade over time. Confidence is part of your character and will last forever.

  6. i am by no means a girl expert, but the I am pretty sure that very few chicks would think you’re too nerdy for liking classic music or animation or fantasy novels, as long as you have decent conversational skills.

  7. Treat people w empathy. Do what feels right in your heart and learn to trust yourself when making these smaller decisions, like how long to wait before texting back, or how available you are.
    igaf about the conversation and want to get to know people. I cannot be nonchalant. There is too much wonder and beauty in this world.

    Dating someone who likes the same things as you and takes an interest in your hobbies is like bare fucking minimum for a friend, much less a partner. Why tf people date people they can’t even hold a conversation with?

  8. Man, it’s Reddit — everyone has an opinion based on what they think people want, and everyone wants something different. So work on being the best YOU that you can be.

    I read here all the time that “all girls” want someone over 6 foot, with a great job, who works out a lot, and has a huge dick. And maybe that’s true for a subset of women, but we’re not a monolith and we all like different combinations and permutations of things. I, personally, don’t give a shit about any of the things I just listed, but I do care if someone is kind, smells good (being clean is a baseline that waaaaay too many men can’t meet nowadays), and loves animals. Dad bod? Bring it on! Nerdy? Bring it on! Nice? Hell yeah, because most of the single men I meet are definitely not nice people.

    I’d suggest you stop listening to some of the incel-type posts because they’re absolute bullshit. Be a good person. Find someone who shares your interests — lots of women love nerdy stuff, so don’t change who you are. You will find someone who aligns with you on at least some of the things you love and who will love you for who you are. You’re 21, so stop obsessing about finding THE one now and work on figuring out who the future THE one is. I promise you that you will change your opinion on who she is many times over the next several years as you figure out who YOU are and who you want to be, what you want your life to look like. Hell, I’m 50 and I reassess all the time, including last year when I decided I didn’t want to spend the next 30 years with the same person I spent the last 30 years with.

    I am writing all of this with love. The current way people meet is completely fucked and controlled by corporate for-profit algorithms and it’s not working for most people, so we all need to figure out what will work for each of us, individually. Work on figuring that out. You love fantasy novels? Find an in-person place to connect with others who share that love. I used to meet men in bookstores all the time way back when bookstores were everywhere and the only place you could buy books. Join clubs in person. Go to concerts. Find places with like-minded women. Is it scary and sometimes difficult? Of course it is. But love and companionship are worth the risk and the scariness, IMO.

  9. You seem pretty wound up and I think you need to figure out how to unravel that.

    Completely separately from that, most people give dating advice that they wish _they_ had known earlier, and don’t bother to first learn if it could possibly apply to _you._ It’s going to happen basically all the time when you ask

    There may or may not be a correlation between having bad listening/empathy skills for understanding someone else’s problems, and spending time on a subreddit frequented by those who struggle with dating.

  10. You are taking some of this advice the wrong way and very reactively.

    For instance “don’t be too available” is not about caring or not caring about the person you want to date. It’s about ensuring you are not immediately dropping every task/activity for the person early on. Unfortunately there are social contacts when dating.

  14. Some dudes, especially in your age range, legitimately do have terrible hygiene habits. It’s not a bad idea to mention it when giving generic, sight-unseen dating advice.

    “Don’t be too nice” doesn’t mean “be an asshole”, it means don’t be a boring doormat. Most women want you to be nice to them, but also want to be able to playfully poke fun with their partner. A lot of guys will sit there dryly complimenting them and agree with everything they say, which gets pretty dull overall.

    Response time is a matter of preference, you should find someone who matches up to you in the long term. This is one where you can optimize by matching their response time if your goal is short term relationships, but otherwise I think it’s fine to just do what you’ll do naturally.

    You should never hide your hobbies unless you want to date people who hate your hobbies lol, people giving you that advice are legitimately insane.

  15. A long time ago I realized I was on my own when it came to dating. The rare times I was given unsolicited advice I smiled, said thank you and proceeded to ignore it.

  16. Your right so blow as must steam if u need to do what’s best for you not what people tell you to do good luck

Leave a Reply