TL;DR my partner (40F) seems to can't stand the slightest bit of insecurity and doesn't want to assure me (47M) whatsoever. She has broken up with me before over that. I am working on myself and is already starting to earn secure and not needy. Should I pull the pin now and not waste my time?
For context, me (47M) and my partner (40F) has been in a relationship for 1 year. Both of us made it clear that we are working towards marriage and maybe even a child.
I have 2 kids of my own from previous marriage and she is childless, never married. My family is in another country and I have assets in the country that I currently live in where my children are citizens. One incident where I got really sick and in my sick delusion, I told my partner that if I pass away, I will pass everything to her and she can help me with the assets. She got spooked and thinks that's very insecure and months down the road, she broke up with me. I didn't beg or plead. Just accepted the break up and immediately went no contact. 2 weeks later she came back and gave me a heartfelt apology that she messed up and that she truly loves me whereby it's a massive mistake for breaking up with me.
She seems emotionally unavailable albeit she is very well versed in attachment style. She said she's anxious whereby her longest relationship was 7 years (ex was probably avoidantly attached and ex military). However she is displaying emotional unavailability with a general lack of empathy, hyper independence and seems to not have a lot of tolerance for reassuring me. I am anxious from previous marriage to a narcissist (diagnosed) and also dated a dismissive avoidant where the rug pull broke me for 2 years (breadcrumbed for 1 year).
Fast forward 4 months, during sex, I playfully said "I can't wait to make you my wife" and I asked her if she still wants to marry me. That spooked her again and we have a massive talk on my insecurity. She said its way too soon to talk/throw marriage in like this where we haven't even live together. Which I agree.
I'm slowly trying to earn secure and I don't text her every hour or anything. We text like 1 or 2 text a day. I give her a lot of space and we spend 2 nights per week together. The rest she's doing her own stuffs. She said she's "cautiously optimistic" about our future whereby she is still invested.
I'm starting up counselling again to deal with my insecurities but my question is whether it's time to pull the pin. I know she is hypervigilant now and any little insecurities I display now, she'll dump me again.
I know I'm working hard on myself to get rid of any residual slight insecurity that I have though I can say I'm not as needy as 5 years ago. I'm happy on my own and the dynamic with my partner – text once or twice a day and see each other twice a week (overnight per time).
Any advice? I feel that the clock is ticking and this isn't going to work out since she just doesn't want to assure me whatsoever.