Me (33F) and my husband (35M) have almost entirely stopped being intimate since we got married Oct 2024. We used to be a multiple times per week couple but since we got married, we have had sex 4x. I have had multiple conversations about why this is (is it a mental thing, bodily thing, need to schedule, etc) and all I get is that "he doesn't want to" or "I'm not in the mood right now" which are 100% valid answers. But him not wanting to for almost a year, except the 4x we have has to be some kind of issue. I've told him how unwanted and lonely I feel since we haven't been having sex and that I just feel like a roommate. He always says he's sorry and will do better but nothing changes. I'm the only one trying to initiate and am turned down 99% of the time. I'm done having the same conversation every 2 weeks and need some advice on how to approach this differently.
Tldr-my husband and I got married last year and now he doesn't want sex. I need advice
19 comments
I feel like you are at the point where you need to tell him if he refuses to do anything about this, you are questioning if you want to stay married to him.
Lawyer up. Go live your life.
Ever checked out r/desdbedrooms? Its essentially people in the same predicament but they feel trapped because of kids etc.
He either accidentally or purposefully pulled a bait and switch on you and thats not ok.
I need sex to be happy in a relationship so for me its counselling & medical check-up & real effort or im done. But thats me
I would suggest couples therapy to him so he can hear you out and him the same. Maybe a professional can provide some clarity on how important it is for him to listen to you to understand where you’re coming from. A space where the therapist can let him know it’s ok to freely express himself and make him feel more at ease about really explaining what’s going on with him. He may not be doing it purposely, but he may feel pressured and may not be as open to talk at home. That’s not your fault, but sometimes it has to be explained from a third party that it is ok. They can also provide effective ways for him to communicate with you better and you as well.
Sex and intimacy is a way for a healthy couple to bond. He pulled that out from under the rug right after getting married. I would say, tell him to face whatever the issue is (get therapy etc) or you will have to communicate with him that this is not how you envisioned your life to be with a partner. You are just roommates. Not that you have to have sex to not be roommates, but you have to have intimacy in order to bond and not be just roommates, and sex is an integral part of that intimacy. There is something he is not telling you.
Good luck!
There is obviously something larger going on. Could be erectile dysfunction, could be a confidence issue, he could be regretting getting married, he could be actively cheating, he could have cheated in the past and now can’t face you, he could be depressed… I would be pushing for couples counselling to open up dialogue about this topic. If he is opposed to that, then you are basically just deciding how long you want this to go on before you choose to move on.
Honestly sounds like he may be cheating on you. Hire a PI if you can to see what’s going on with him when he’s out and about and possibly at work, get a lawyer and start stacking your money.
Has he been to his primary MD? Get bloodwork the whole works, rule out anything physical and if nothing is found maybe a psychiatric to screen for depression.
Is he watching porn? Have a family friend who was addicted to watching porn for a good 5-6 years and his marriage has been terrible ever since.
Were you the main initiator before marriage as well?
If he won’t communicate about what’s going on for him, there’s no way to fix the problem.
> and all I get is that “he doesn’t want to” or “I’m not in the mood right now” which are 100% valid answers.
No they are only valid for so long, then it’s punitive. Sounds like something happened and he’s mad at you
You are young and he’s in his sexual peak. I was involved in a relationship like this and let it go for 12 years. Needless to say, I finally had to put a stop to it. I’ve moved on and the only regret I have is not doing it sooner. Communication is key in a relationship, there’s other things he can do to fill your desires. If I can give you one advice it would be not to take it personal. It’s not about you and it has everything to do with him.
It’s awful to get rejected when it comes to sex as a women. Your needs are definitely not being taken care of. Think about what is best for you and your child.
You either need couples counselling to find out the real reason why, or, as people have said….start the divorce process. He doesn’t see an issue. You don’t want to be dealing with the same issue plus years of resentment in 5 or 10 years from now.
I would question him about his libido. Also about the sex pre marriage. Was he actually enjoying sex then, or just doing it because you wanted to? It is possible he is just way lower libido but seems deceiving if he would not have revealed that prior to marriage. If not that, maybe something medical changed for him, like getting on new meds? This is definitely something I would bring up again but maybe try to come at like you just want to understand rather than being mad about not having sex (then he will likely just be defensive). If its something he is insecure about then he should see a doctor to look into any type of notable hormone or other change.
Did he have any big benefits to marrying you? Like money, property, etc.
Tell him you want to start couples therapy. If he refuses to go, have the marriage annulled. Life is way too short to be trapped this way.
Many things can cause loss of libido, including:
* Depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues
* Medications – esp those for treating depression
* Health issues
* An affair – either physical or emotional
* Fights or anger in the relationship
* He’s gay or into some kink he’s unwilling to tell you about
* Something changed about you
Have you ruled all these out? If so, it’s time for either marriage counseling or a divorce.
Are you religious? I ask because my friend’s ex-husband did this and he was closeted and eventually came out