Update to https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/1mvaxf8/wife_messaging_exboyfriend/
(I’ve (m43) been married to my wife (f41) for 15 years, known her for 17 years. For the most part they have been happy and we’ve got on really well.)
Thank you to everyone who commented. We had a few chats in the week after the original post about the situation. I explained how her going behind my back plus dwelling on this past relationship made me feel.
She had said if I didn't want her to speak to him anymore, she wouldn't – I was adamant that this wasn't my call to make. She eventually said that she wouldn't speak to him anymore and that she was naïve to think that her and her ex could still be friends. As far as I was aware, she let him know that she wouldn't be in contact anymore because of me and he was accepting of this (I haven't seen any of their messages nor have I asked to).
A week later my mother passed away so a pin was stuck in any conversations between us but about a week ago we had a good chat in which I felt heard, mostly centring around me creating a larger social life outside the home and how we've become co-dependent on each other. I said that my trust in her has been eroded which upset her a little but she understood. We seemed to be getting back on track and I was open about my insecurities, and what I needed to work on.
Unfortunately a few days later, she seemed distracted and when I asked her what was wrong, she said she'd tell me later when the kids are in bed. This was dragged out all day and then she admitted that she was still in contact with her ex for a couple of weeks and wants to meet him for coffee. I asked what would happen if he made a move, and she said she'd be "disappointed". I also asked about his wife, and apparently he's separated (which she knew about before but didn't tell me). He's embarking on a new career and was asking her for advice, to which I questioned was there not anyone else in his life that could provide career advice. She also says he's had a cancer scare which also prompted her to get in touch with him again.
It's her call who she meets up with but I told her the lying has to stop. She claims it's so she doesn't hurt me but it's caused more damage by lying. She admitted that making me decide about her not talking to him anymore was "poor" but that I don't understand the depth of feeling that existed between them.
I don't know what to say to her and have started investigating what steps to take legally to protect myself. I'm so angry and sad, that at best, she is sacrificing a 15-year marriage to be friends with an ex she hasn't seen in 20 years, and at worst, will get back with him. Our relationship has been tarnished with lies and omissions of the truth, and I'm done.
TL;DR Wife continued to message ex after she said she wouldn't behind my back and tough to see way out.
37 comments
“She has said she’ll not speak to him again if that’s what I want. I’ve said that’s not my call to make and I don’t want to be put in that position. She has to make that call.” – this is your comment from your previous post, she made the call mate, time to make yours,
I’m sorry you are going through this, stay strong!
“Stop this right now or leave, your choice”.
I’m sorry but there’s not much you can do other than prepare for a possible divorce, she’s putting another person and that person’s feelings above yours, they probably already have an emotional affair that will extend to physical if she meets with him, you must protect yourself and your children too.
Why are you struggling so hard to be direct with her? If she goes to this coffee date your marriage is over and you know it. Not bc she’ll leave you for him but bc you’ll never forgive her. She needs to be told that. This is betrayal. Call it what it is.
She is SO selfish. She should be focusing on being there for you during these times.
to be honest as soon as i read the title i knew where this was going to go…
can this get any more cliche???
im sorry man but put a fork in your marriage… its done
You need to stop being vague or wishy-washy with your wife if you want to save your marriage, you need to put some hard boundaries and expectations on her, i.e. end all contact with with her ex, show you all her communication with the ex and commit to marriage counseling together.
This ex is doing the work to get back together with your wife right in front of you whilst you twiddle you thumbs, if you can get hold of her phone and internet records you need to do that to understand the scope of this emotional affair ASAP
If you continue to observe instead of act, you will be single in 18 months or less, show her you you’re prepared to fight hard for her. Good luck.
> I’m so angry and sad, that at best, she is sacrificing a 15-year marriage to be friends with an ex she hasn’t seen in 20 years, and at worst, will get back with him. Our relationship has been tarnished with lies and omissions of the truth, and I’m done.
This says it all. It is an emotional affair and she knows it too. Best to plan ahead so you are not blindsided.
You’re marriage is over. She lied and has been lying to you about her ex. You can’t trust her now.
She is prioritising this relationship over your marriage. Someone who she was in a sexual relationship with.
I think this would be a killer for me.
As a woman, I have to say—it’s alarming that she’s putting another man’s feelings above her husband’s. Once you’re married, your partner should come first. Choosing to protect her ex from disappointment instead of being honest with you is a massive betrayal. If she can’t cut that tie, then she’s not protecting your marriage.
At this point, you need to protect yourself: stop pleading and start setting boundaries. Be crystal clear about what you will and won’t accept. If she can’t respect that, you’re right to be looking at legal options. A marriage can survive many things, but not lies and divided loyalties.
So, she lied to you for weeks after knowing how you feel and excused it with not wanting to hurt you. That’s… interesting.
In the end only you can decide on how to proceed but if I were you I would have boundaries. Maybe moving on is a good idea
He’s after her because he’s romanticised their relationship after his marriage ended. It’s so common, she’s blind not to see it (and take steps to protect her own marriage). This isn’t going to end well unless you set explicit, clear boundaries.
>She eventually said that she wouldn’t speak to him anymore and that she was naïve to think that her and her ex could still be friends.
Unfortunately the reality of emotional flip flopping like this is that they expose themselves as hypocrites or self destructive in the process.
She was right, she was and still is naive. Particularly as he is now single and apparently they had a ‘depth of connection’ and all that stupid bullshit that people imploding their lives like to say.
And yeah, she tried to put it on you but ultimately you’ve come to the correct conclusion that if she is gonna walk that road it’s on her. And sure enough, she did despite her promises, in my eyes it means she’s already started her cheating given it was her that claimed that boundary existed and it was her choosing to overstep it despite that.
Still, I think it’s time you be that blunt about it. Call it what it is: an emotional affair rocket shipping towards and outright physical one. Their connection decades ago didn’t matter, marriage is about respecting your partner enough not to play with fire and here she is throwing herself in the volcano.
She lied not to protect you but because she knows she’s crossing boundaries that hurt you and your marriage.
The fact that she said that you, her husband, wouldn’t understand the bond they have tells you all you need to know. She’s going down a slippery slope and is doing nothing to stop it.
Updateme
She crossed the line, now she has to pay. You need to make her see what she’s losing, and if things aren’t working out, then you deserve someone better. I’ve been there but my wife came around.
She has made her choice to pursue a relationship with her ex… what are you planning to do?
She’s emotionally cheating. Once they meet, it will turn physical. It is awful your wife is going this instead of supporting you during your grief.
I’ll be honest, end this relationship, your wife is in an emotional affair heading towards a physical affair and she is warning you. Now is the time to serve the divorce papers
Let her know that you are reexamining the whole relationship due to her lies. That it’s clear she has an emotional affair and that’s why she’s distracted. Tell her that her actions previously and what she does in the coming weeks will decide her kids fate. Do they live in a broken home with no live? Do you decide to divorce her due to her dishonesty and affair?
But let her know that with no trust there’s no relationship and since she keeps secrets like these… it makes you rethink the whole thing. Make sure she understands there won’t be any coming back from this at a point and ending things with a contingency that no new partners be introduced for a long time will be put in place.
Talk to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row. Get paperwork ready. Tell her that if she continues down this path, any separation will lead to her leaving the home and separating from the kids and yourself.
Go ahead and draw the line in the sand.
It may be time to cut her out of your life. This is not how a mature woman acts.
I would be mad as hell if my wife was meeting some dude for coffee, especially an ex boyfriend. They already have some kind of attachment, and he’s separated from his wife, seeking advice from your wife….. about his career. Yeah ok
So basically he’s lost his wife and has his eyes on yours, what exactly can’t they say to each other on the phone that needs to be said personally,she’s playing a dangerous game and in my opinion is being played and she’ll destroy your marriage.
She’s lying to you. There is more going on, he is not separated.
Contact him in front of her. You’ll see.
I wonder if your wife is actually asking for an ultimatum. Some people are very bad at making difficult decisions and try to manipulate others into making them for them. She might want you to insist she cuts contact, as some kind of twisted test to prove you care enough to fight for her. Either way, if you haven’t stated that there are consequences to “her call” you should make that clear: “I will not tell you not to go, but I will promise divorce papers if you do. An affair is a deal breaker for me, be it emotional or physical, and I will not stay married to a woman who puts another man’s entertainment above her marriage. This is an ex on the rebound, he is not your friend, he is a threat to your marriage, and if you choose him, your marriage ends.”
So not only did she go back on her word, she escalated everything. What’s next op? How much are you gonna take? When there’s no consequence to the actions there’s no incentive to stop
First off, I’m sorry for your loss.
Second, if your wife seriously believes that a recently separated ex wants to “just be friends” she’s incredibly naive.
Third:
> but that I don’t understand the depth of feeling that existed between them.
**Wtf about the depth of feeling that is supposed to exist between you two!!**
You told her that your trust has been eroded and her response to that was to continue messaging her ex behind your back? Yeah, no. She can’t have her cake and eat it too.
I’m sorry to be blunt and to boil it down to this, but she has made her decision, a position she never really moved from despite the pain it causes you. You now need to make your decision and it should be to move on from this and her.
She obviously still has feelings for her ex. She is not being honest with you. I would never disrespect my husband that way. Its time for you to acknowledge whats right in front of you. Protect yourself, keep proof of what shes doing. Time to speak to an attorney
> She claims it’s so she doesn’t hurt me but it’s caused more damage by lying
The implication of this sentence is that she’s knowingly doing something that will hurt you. That’s why she’s not telling you, but doing it anyway. Instead of lying, she could have simply not done something that she knew would hurt you. But to her, that’s not even an option on the table.
In her mind, it’s hurt you by telling you the truth, or lie. And to me that tells me everything that I’d need to know.
Is this ragebait? Why are you fine with your wife going on a date with her recently single ex? This can’t be real.
I think it’s clear why she’s pushing to meet him of all people. You already made your feelings known, she has openly stepped on them, and all after your mom just passed too
This lady ain’t your partner, you’re her tool.
Your wife is having or is starting an emotional affair. It is as bad or usually even worse than a one-night stand. You need to get your wife to stop calling and texting this guy immediately!
I myself, would tell my husband that, I want you to cancel the meeting. Or at least I would DEMAND that I GO WITH MY HUSBAND! That way I could make sure that nothing happens and my husband could explain that this is the 1st and last meeting. And that after this, my husband never wants to hear from that person again. (I would make this very clear to my husband in advance.) I would not let my husband leave on his own. And if my husband still decided to leave, I would demand that my husband choose between our children and me or this other person. If my husband still decided to leave, I would probably file for divorce.
Then I would demand sole custody of our children. My husband would have shown with his actions that he is not capable of putting his children and family first, but only himself. I don’t think he would be a good parent anymore.
If you’re done then you know what you need to do.
Get a lawyer, draw up separation plans, and tell her exactly what’s going to happen. Stop being reactive to her lying. Get ahead of it, and protect yourself.
The writing is on the wall, in the very least this is an emotional affair, and she just proved to you that she is willing to lie to your to cover up what she does with him. Fine, she told you the truth this time. Next time it will be easier to lie to you.
She’s doing nothing to help your or this marriage. Your mom died, and she kept on lying to you and going back on her word. You deserve better.
If it were me, I would go by some divorce attorneys offices, get their cards and leave them out so she can see them. When she see them she will ask, and likely stop talking to him anyways. I would say the damage is done, and if she wants any chance at fixing this, she will need to publicly state through a public post, what she did, and tag him, and how she destroyed the foundation of trust.
Always be weary of who you invite into a marriage.
Separation, career change, health scare.
Homeboy is checking a bingo list of “I’m having a midlife crisis, I’m lonely and I’ll try to hook up with an ex”.
She absolutely knows it, and she’s entertaining him. And I’m saying that as a guy who’s still close with a bunch of exes. But guess what, we stayed friends the whole time, we didn’t pop up in each others life because someone was lonely.