I’m posting here just because I don’t like talking badly about my girlfriend to anyone I know in real life. Also, this isn’t even really “bad” necessarily, but still, it’s unfair to her to start saying this about her to other people who know us.
We have been dating for 6 years. It’s been great; we share values and beliefs in many things, and we genuinely enjoy spending time with each other. As we are getting closer to the serious stage of any relationship (marriage), I have started developing stronger concerns thinking about the future. I would say this has been on my mind for over a year, hoping and praying it would go away, but it just won’t, and if anything, it’s getting stronger. I just have a gut feeling I won’t be happy in the future.
A lot of our relationship, I've dealt with basically everything, planning a 2-month trip in Europe and working on the day-to-day itinerary, and places to eat for date nights. Activities we can do: helping her get a job with building her resume and showing her how to apply, prepping her for job interviews, helping her with working on a healthy lunch for her work. It may sound controlling, but I genuinely don't want to do "everything"; it's just the way our relationship is, and she likes it that way. I have tried multiple times to tell her that I would like her to help, but she always replies with "I have no idea what I'm doing." This, however, isn't even that bad, as I mentioned, I'm used to planning and doing everything for us; it's just become my role. However, as the years have gone by, I've always known her intelligence wasn't very "high." Pretty basic things are a struggle for her. She doesn't understand directions at all; her mathematics is really bad (struggles with 21+25). Even though we have been to Rome in Italy, she asked me if Rome is its own country. I was in disbelief the other day when she thought that the sun rises in the north and sets in the north every day. Seriously, how can somebody who has lived here for 25 years think thats true?
I will tell her things that are important to me, and she will forget them, and I'll need to re-explain them a week later. I have tried to help her with things in our relationship. Once she came to me upset because at her workplace she needed to use fractions, and she didn't understand any of them; she was struggling with 3/4 and 1/4, for example. I sat down with her and offered to try to teach her and make her understand. She told me, "I'll never need this again, so no need to learn." Her emotional intelligence really lacks with the fights we have. Being completely honest and as harsh as it might sound, I think about when we have kids, she won't be able to really teach them anything, and if she does try, it will likely be incorrect. She gets upset that I correct her a lot because it makes her feel "dumb." I have tried to help her with simple tasks, but her unwillingness to learn is what is affecting me. I have spoken to her about this many times, but nothing is changing. I just don't know how to feel; she loves me a lot, and it would destroy her breaking up, but I just don't feel happy anymore.
27 comments
So frickin leave already
She sounds like she may have a genuine learning disability. Has she ever been evaluated for cognitive issues?
Regardless, respect is pretty fundamental to a healthy relationship and if you don’t respect her, you definitely shouldn’t marry her. It’s been 6 years so at this point you know who she is. If she’s not your person, let her go and don’t waste her time.
You two are incompatible. I’ve been there before. It feels really high horse and shitty to break up with someone over this, but you gotta do it, man.
> and it would destroy her breaking up,
It won’t. I promise.
But living like this will destroy both of you.
I couldn’t date someone that I viewed as dumb. That’s not fair to you, and that’s not fair to her.
Cut it off. If you prioritize intelligence, why settle for something less? Is she genuinely not intelligent, or is she choosing to not be? Does she not think because she knows she doesn’t need to do so with you by her side?
I’m sorry but I lost it at the sun rising and setting in the north. That is genuinely one of the wildest things I’ve ever heard.
You already know that you’re not gonna be happy in the future, you don’t even really sound very happy now.
People and systems seem to have failed her along the way and she’s not interested in trying to bridge the gaps now. This is not your responsibility, I’d definitely be moving on if I were you.
You’re still so young, you still have all the time in the world to find “the one,” but she doesn’t sound like she’s it for you.
She either has some cognitive issues or she is using Weaponized incompetence against you to get you to deal with everything.
Breaking up with her won’t destroy her. She’ll be fine. It will give her the chance to meet a partner who isn’t constantly irritated by her perceived intelligence level. You say you love this person a lot but you don’t seem to have much respect for her, so it’s time to go.
The tone alone of this post shows that you clearly don’t feel great about the relationship you’re in or the person you’re in it with. Unless you see that changing, sounds like it’s time to move on.
Why do you think a breakup would be worse for her than living with someone who thinks she’s an idiot?
it just sounds like you guys are just moving or growing in different directions, which happens and is normal. not everyone is meant to stay in our lives forever.
You don’t even like her; why are you with her?
Love her as she is or move on. She is not changing.
That’s her personality.
To be fair, there is a sovereign country in the middle of Rome. She was probably remembering that. The rest, well that’s a different story.
Regardless of whether you’re right or wrong, just leave — you can’t be dating someone you think is dumb.
Who’s the dumb one, her, or you for staying for SIX years?
How is it that you just noticed that she is ignorant and stupid? It’s been six years, you need to decide to be the brains of the operation (there are plenty of women who are the brains in their household) or break up with her and find someone you respect.
The silent contempt for her, that’s building in you, will eventually be right on the surface. Nobody in your relationship will be happy at that point.
You need to break up with her. If her basic intelligence hasn’t increased in these 6 years and she gets offended when corrected, this relationship is not going to get better.
You have a gut feeling. Listen to it. So many people ignore it and end up divorced with kids. It’s a tough place to be.
Always listen to your instincts.
Could be NVLD/DVSD. My wife has this and it can be super frustrating at times for me (but usually it’s even more frustrating for her). Common traits include being bad with directions/geography, being bad at math, having poor spatial reasoning, poor hand-eye coordination, difficulty with fine motor skills, etc. but usually pretty solid or exceptional on reading/writing skills. That possibly combined with ADHD (which can cause memory and focus issues). Or maybe it’s just how she is, who knows!
One year ago you already posted that you doubted the relationship and actually wanted to leave.
Worse you also made a post about the anger issues of this woman.
Now this. Just ow miserable to you want to get?! How much more time do you want to waste in an unhappy relationship, resenting a person which should be your partner. You know that you should leave. Nobody else can do this for you.
https://arctic-shift.photon-reddit.com/search/?fun=posts_search&author=lukeyy77&limit=10&sort=desc
OP is worried about her not being able to teach the kids… bro she will be 50% the genetics of those kids, he might end up raising someone very similar to her. It sounds like there’s a decent chance you’ll be taking care of that kid until they can find a significant other that makes their life go round, the same way you do for your girlfriend, but you’ll still be doing it for her too. Smh, my parents had kids and then were surprised when we also can’t manage the same issues they have and can’t manage.
Bonus: my dad is now responsible for himself, my mom, and my grown sibling
She does sound awful from a partner perspective.
Either it’s learned helplessness (sounds most likely with how you’re describing her), or she has a covert learning disability.
Either way I’d leave for sure now. As you stay together longer and longer, she’s going to start relying on you more and more as she is now. I’m sure you’re aware people don’t become more independent and competent as they age into their 40s.
What do you think is worse, getting dumped by her long term boyfriend or spending the rest of her life with a husband who grows increasingly resentful of her because he considers her to be dumb?
Respect is the base minimum of a relationship. You don’t respect her. End things.
You should move on for both of your sakes. She’ll be ok and she’ll find someone who loves her for who she is. You’ll end up hating her for something she can’t even control. Sometimes intelligent people seem to forget that intelligence is a matter of luck. We’re all born with an upper limit and she can’t change hers.
You basically just said you think she’s too stupid to have kids.
If you do *actually* love her, let her go find someone who respects her. She gets upset and thinks you think she’s dumb *because you do*.
You picked her. You didn’t value general intelligence when you started the relationship, or during any of the years up until this point. Change your mind now if you want, but it’s your fault you are here. Plenty of men are happy to have a dummy girlfriend.