Dads who got a divorce/separation in their mid to late 30’s how did your decision to leave pan out for everybody?
September 22, 2025
Were you glad you pulled the pin when you did, rather than hanging on to a struggling relationship/lack of desire to continue and waiting untill your 40's or 50's for what felt like an inevietable outcome?
9 comments
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I went through a case of “disappearing wife syndrome” in my early 40s. I chose not to fight for the marriage and it ended up being the best decision of my life. Got remarried earlier this year and my kids love their stepmom. The experience definitely made me realize our time to enjoy life is limited and there’s no reason to suffer unnecessarily through your prime years. And as my therapist shrewdly pointed out at the time, don’t wait around for someone to change their mind, because it’s not going to happen. (That person can mean you, btw)
And if you’re wondering about the “holding on” thing when kids are involved, a good piece of advice I got early in the process from a fellow divorced dad was that the kids are better off in two loving households than one bad one.
Divorced mid 30’s We had previously come close to divorce and honestly just kicked the can down the road a few years. Nothing really changed and both of us were much more hurt, angry, and resentful. I don’t want to imagine how bad it would have been if I had tried to hold out for the “graduation present divorce”. I’m not sure I would have avoided serious self-harm by then.
Over a decade later – I have been much much happier. Found love again, got remarried, happily remarried for several years.
Kid is doing OK, did well coparenting until their mother decided to be a complete laissez-faire hyperpermissive parent in their early teen years and then things got ugly in a 2nd round of legal fights.
Best thing I can say is I have zero idea how their mother is doing, not my problem – haven’t talked in years at this point.
I split with my ex wife around 34/35. We have a son together. We’re much better off this way, were great friends still. We co parent, she married a good man and we’re friends. We take family vacations together every year if we can, they stay at my place when they travel or I stay at theirs when I travel to where they are. So yes, it was 100% the right choice.
Mother of the kids is better off.
Kids are doing well (co-parenting goes well)
I am better off.
I don’t know a single father who got divorced due to unhappiness and regretted it later in life. But I do know some who damaged their relationships with their kids for a time due to some choices/actions they made during and right after the split.
A huge factor in our divorce was how my in-laws’ shitty relationship taught their child how a marriage should work. I didn’t want to model that for mine.
We separated when the kid was four and I’m soooooo happy that he’s not going to have the same “my parents shouldn’t be together” realization that defined my ex’s childhood. He’ll hear her talk shit about me, but at least he won’t see her doing it to my face.
For her? She’s still unemployed, blaming all of her life’s problems on anything and everything that isn’t her.
For the kid? It’s gone very well. He’s had stability and consistency without having to hear her insult me. I had majority patenting time for the first year and it’s recently gone to 50:50. More time with his mom is a little rough, but courts tend towards that.
Wasn’t initially my decision, but other than its effect on my kids (TBD on that, I suppose), it was the best worst thing that ever happened to me.
I got slaughtered in the divorce, as she is from a very wealthy family and never had to work. Therefore I’m paying full child support despite the fact that (at the time) she was worth 10X what I was.
Was a really tough few years living lean, without furniture, without medical, etc.
But I went back to school, met my now wife, and I’m happier, more productive, mentally and physically healthier, and more financially secure. I am not treated like a pariah, no longer have sex and any physical affection weaponized against me, and am seen as an equal partner. My ex and I are on friendly terms, and are of a mind on 90% of parenting.
I don’t see my kids as much as I want. I fought for 50/50, but the judge didn’t see it my way, but I still see them about 40% of the year. They seem to have adjusted well (it’s been a decade), and love their stepmom (and vice versa). My daughter and my wife have become good friends.
There was a dark time immediately afterward, and both me and my ex certainly could’ve both handled things better. But I’m so glad it all turned out well.
We both kind of knew the marriage was over in in our mid 30’s when our daughter was a sophomore. Since we weren’t actually fighting or hating each other, we decided to keep the family together for a couple more years until she graduated. My daughter is doing great and we’re both happier not being married to each other.
In general I think its a terrible idea to stay together for the kids, but in this case, I think it was the right decision.
9 comments
**Please do not delete your submission.**
Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it.
If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.
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I went through a case of “disappearing wife syndrome” in my early 40s. I chose not to fight for the marriage and it ended up being the best decision of my life. Got remarried earlier this year and my kids love their stepmom. The experience definitely made me realize our time to enjoy life is limited and there’s no reason to suffer unnecessarily through your prime years. And as my therapist shrewdly pointed out at the time, don’t wait around for someone to change their mind, because it’s not going to happen. (That person can mean you, btw)
And if you’re wondering about the “holding on” thing when kids are involved, a good piece of advice I got early in the process from a fellow divorced dad was that the kids are better off in two loving households than one bad one.
Divorced mid 30’s We had previously come close to divorce and honestly just kicked the can down the road a few years. Nothing really changed and both of us were much more hurt, angry, and resentful. I don’t want to imagine how bad it would have been if I had tried to hold out for the “graduation present divorce”. I’m not sure I would have avoided serious self-harm by then.
Over a decade later – I have been much much happier. Found love again, got remarried, happily remarried for several years.
Kid is doing OK, did well coparenting until their mother decided to be a complete laissez-faire hyperpermissive parent in their early teen years and then things got ugly in a 2nd round of legal fights.
Best thing I can say is I have zero idea how their mother is doing, not my problem – haven’t talked in years at this point.
I split with my ex wife around 34/35. We have a son together. We’re much better off this way, were great friends still. We co parent, she married a good man and we’re friends. We take family vacations together every year if we can, they stay at my place when they travel or I stay at theirs when I travel to where they are. So yes, it was 100% the right choice.
Mother of the kids is better off.
Kids are doing well (co-parenting goes well)
I am better off.
I don’t know a single father who got divorced due to unhappiness and regretted it later in life. But I do know some who damaged their relationships with their kids for a time due to some choices/actions they made during and right after the split.
A huge factor in our divorce was how my in-laws’ shitty relationship taught their child how a marriage should work. I didn’t want to model that for mine.
We separated when the kid was four and I’m soooooo happy that he’s not going to have the same “my parents shouldn’t be together” realization that defined my ex’s childhood. He’ll hear her talk shit about me, but at least he won’t see her doing it to my face.
For her? She’s still unemployed, blaming all of her life’s problems on anything and everything that isn’t her.
For the kid? It’s gone very well. He’s had stability and consistency without having to hear her insult me. I had majority patenting time for the first year and it’s recently gone to 50:50. More time with his mom is a little rough, but courts tend towards that.
Wasn’t initially my decision, but other than its effect on my kids (TBD on that, I suppose), it was the best worst thing that ever happened to me.
I got slaughtered in the divorce, as she is from a very wealthy family and never had to work. Therefore I’m paying full child support despite the fact that (at the time) she was worth 10X what I was.
Was a really tough few years living lean, without furniture, without medical, etc.
But I went back to school, met my now wife, and I’m happier, more productive, mentally and physically healthier, and more financially secure. I am not treated like a pariah, no longer have sex and any physical affection weaponized against me, and am seen as an equal partner. My ex and I are on friendly terms, and are of a mind on 90% of parenting.
I don’t see my kids as much as I want. I fought for 50/50, but the judge didn’t see it my way, but I still see them about 40% of the year. They seem to have adjusted well (it’s been a decade), and love their stepmom (and vice versa). My daughter and my wife have become good friends.
There was a dark time immediately afterward, and both me and my ex certainly could’ve both handled things better. But I’m so glad it all turned out well.
We both kind of knew the marriage was over in in our mid 30’s when our daughter was a sophomore. Since we weren’t actually fighting or hating each other, we decided to keep the family together for a couple more years until she graduated. My daughter is doing great and we’re both happier not being married to each other.
In general I think its a terrible idea to stay together for the kids, but in this case, I think it was the right decision.