Throwaway because my main account is associated with my plants and pets. My friend (F30s ) and I (F30s) have been friends and used to meet up once a week to catch up, being in the same city. I have been married for 4 years, and she was going out with a guy for the last 3-4 years.
Initially in our friendship, we all met – me, my husband, her and the BF. The meet-up did not go well. I tried to be polite and ask him questions about his work and all, and so did my husband, but he snubbed us. All of us noticed, including my friend. I did not understand why, because I had never spoken ill of him or anything. I prodded my friend later, and she mentioned that he has a problem with my ethnicity and that people of my ethnicity have a certain political agenda. She knew this even before we all met, but never told me. To be honest, I wouldn’t have met him had I known.
My friend, on the other hand, opposes all types of bigotry on social media and amongst friends. I told her that she was being hypocritical, going out with someone who is openly bigoted. I admit I was really hurt. She reasoned that she was trying to change his mind. And the issue got dropped.
He dumped her around 8 months ago. Since then, she has been completely broken, and I have supported her throughout this. There was crying for hours, reliving different situations, all the mess. My response has been different at different times. Sometimes just listening, sometimes encouraging her to take therapy or go to the gym, sometimes tough love, where I told her to go no contact.
He didn’t take a step back either. He contacted her as if nothing had happened, hung out with mutual friends and made plans for trips, where she was hopeful one moment and broken the next. I repeatedly told her that she needs to pull back and go no contact or at least minimal contact. And without that, she will not heal. She refused to do that, and most of the time did not tell me when he hung out with him. I realised that only because she was completely depressed after these hangouts.
After one such hangout, I told her that she was keeping him on a pedestal. He was a normal human being and was, in fact, a bigoted one. I told her to have some self-respect and stop running after him like that. He doesn’t care that she is hurting, so she needs to take steps to protect herself. She still kept on hanging out with him. I reacted the same way. Sometimes stern and sometimes gentle. I also told her that their mutual friends knew what she was going through and still pushed her to hang out together; they were not her friends. They should try to meet her separately and give support in that manner. This went on for 7 months.
One day, she told me that she was going on a solo trip for a few days to some place, and the network would be patchy. She texted and called me while on the trip ( whenever she got network), saying she was feeling better, etc. But after coming back the same cycle started again.
One morning, two weeks after coming back, I texted her asking how she was doing. She replied in the night at around 9:30 pm that she was at the same place (same one with the patchy network). I asked if everything was okay, and imagined the worst, that she was having some sort of triggering episode. She replied 2 hours later, saying Yeah, everything is okay. This is unlike her, as she would generally call and update, saying she is feeling this and that. I again asked her if she needed to talk or anything. She didn’t reply. Her phone was switched off/ out of network for the next 2.5 days.
I became extremely worried. I am a primary caretaker for a parent who has an end-stage neurodegenerative disorder. I am already emotionally and physically overloaded. She knew about this. I was so worried that I planned to call her family and friends, asking if they knew something. My husband suggested that he could also call a few people he knows who can figure out what is happening. I only stopped because we live in a conservative society and I didn’t know if her parents knew what was happening with her.
After months of emotional labour, plus being a full-time caretaker, working full-time, it was too much for me. I became really stressed and unfocused. I kept wondering if there was something different, I could have said or if I was not supportive. It was a real mess for me.
She finally texted after 2 days, being nonchalant, saying What's up, etc. I was really mad but relieved. Her excuse was that she was going around solo, and the phone broke. Like literally the hardware. I didn’t buy it and asked her what was going on. She said things like – stop overreacting, you are projecting other stressors of your life on me, you need to meditate.
The neuro issue that my parent has is genetic, and I know I will get it. I am not sure when, but I will. So, I am very gullible to “gaslighting”, especially about my memory, paranoia, etc. She knows this as well. Everyone in my life knows. So, I believed her that I was projecting something.
Come to find out, she had gone on a trip with the same friends, including the ex. I confronted her. She could have just told me, I wouldn’t have cared after that. She or anyone else does not need to update me on their comings and goings. Instead of just accepting that she should have been more considerate and apologise, she created versions basically where she was blameless. I am sort of done now.
The thing is, I love my friends, all of them. And I genuinely feel that it is important to be there for them. And I do have really good friends, who travel cities to be there for each other. I don’t know why, but this is something I can’t get over. It is not about her whereabouts, it’s about the knowledge of how it would impact me and yet not just dropping one text. I feel silly, used, and exhausted. Why is it impacting me so much? Is it okay to cut her off completely?
TL;DR : My friend lied about her whereabouts making me worry and refuses to accept any blame.