I’m 25. I’ve struggled with dating basically my whole life. Back in uni, I didn’t even think too much about it because I was focused on my studies. Now I’m working, I’ve got my own money, I’ve got my own life going and now I actually want to start dating seriously. But the more I look around, the more I hear, the more ridiculous the whole thing sounds.
Because what do people say? They say, “Don’t worry, dating gets easier as you get older. Women don’t really want to settle down at 25. Just live your life, man, just wait until you’re 30 that’s when they’ll want you.” And to me, that’s the dumbest shit ever. So let me get this straight the same women who look at me now and decide I’m not worth their time are suddenly going to want me later on? After they’ve had their fun? After they’ve done everything they wanted to do, burned through their options, and now they’re “ready”? Oh, now I’m good enough? No thanks.
I know who I am as a man. I know my value, and I won’t settle for being somebody’s backup plan. I’m not waiting on the sidelines until they’re done messing around. That’s insulting. That’s basically telling guys like me, “Hey, just hang tight while we ignore you. But don’t worry your turn will come once we’re done doing what we want.” Like… do people even hear themselves?
And it gets worse, because this isn’t just random people saying it’s the common narrative everywhere. Guys whove been struggling are told over and over again Don’t stress. Just wait it out. Once you hit your 30s, women will start chasing you because you’ll be established, you’ll have your money, you’ll be attractive then. But why the hell should I want that? Why should I want someone who ignored me when I was building, who didn’t give me the time of day when I was genuinely looking for a connection, but now suddenly wants me because I fit into their timeline? That’s not respect. That’s convenience.
And the truth is, it makes the whole dating scene feel fake. It’s like this unspoken contract where men are expected to just grind through their 20s, build their value, focus on themselves, wait patiently and then at 30, congratulations, you’ve unlocked the level where women finally decide you’re worth it. Meanwhile, in those same 20s, we’re invisible to them because we don’t check off whatever boxes they’re looking for in the moment. So we’re supposed to just sit there quietly, work on ourselves, and then come pick up the pieces when they’re finally ready? Nah. I’m not doing that.
It’s backwards. It’s insulting. And honestly, it’s exhausting to even hear people defend it. I don’t want to be someone’s second choice. I don’t want to be the “safe option” after the thrill of their 20s is gone. I want someone who sees me now, who respects what I bring to the table now, not when it’s convenient for them. I’d rather stay single than settle for being someone’s Plan B after they’ve “lived their best life.”
13 comments
I found it to get harder as I got older. The pool of available “secure attachment style people” narrows down as age increases. After 35, I mostly dated separated unstable people.
Just because you meet someone later in life doesn’t make you their “second choice”. There’s no way to really know if you’re meant to be with someone long term except to date them. Imagine if you dated someone in your 20s and they cheat on you or something completely out of your control. This is something that can easily happen to anyone at any age regardless of the number of people they’ve dated. And you’re saying that you then would be worth less to the next person even if you’re a perfect match solely because they were not the first person you ran into in life that had an interest in? You sound naive and jaded due to your lack of dating. Good luck dating with a closed mind like that
28F here. It doesn’t necessarily get easier, it just gets different. For both men and women. With age people get a better understanding of what they want from their partner and what kind of relationship they want. In early twenties a lot of people (both men and women) don’t know what they want, and that’s why the dating is hard for people who already know what they want.
Don’t take it personally, or like being a second choice. You’re not a second choice, it’s just with age more people know what they want relationship-wise.
30s, 40s and 50s is considered older imo. Often these days people don’t want to settle down until the 30s and onwards.
I never really heard dating gets easier as you age it’s always been described as more difficult because as you age people can come with more baggage like ( divorces or failed long term relationships having kids more financial obligations). And honestly I don’t get when people say I don’t want to be a second choice most people start dating around as a teenager and I I’m definitely happy I didn’t end up in a relationship with my first two girlfriends from high school. And as far as it getting easier when you get older, many people have a better sense of what they want and don’t want in a partner. That can make dating feel more focused and less like guesswork. But if you’re ready now you can start dating with the intention of finding a serious partner now and if a woman doesn’t want to date seriously or commit you move on and keeping searching.
I’m 40 and dating is horrendous. Impossible. Better to find someone when you’re younger
Honestly I feel a similar way but the ages are not 20 and 30 but rather 16 and 26. At 16, I didn’t get any romantic interest. Now at 26, I do, a reasonable amount.
Key is to understand, as someone already pointed out, that you’re not expected to date the people for whom you’re se second choice but to find in the meantime a person for whom you are the first choice.
The reality is today that both men and women have high standards, so it is not at all easy to find a good match. Like even if you’re personally really cool xou will not get a menu of 50 compatible people, that’s the reality. You gotta be looking for the good matches and not get discouraged by how everyone else is.
True, it’s annoying as 30 year old guy. I still don’t get women as I did when I was 22 or 25. It doesn’t make any sense.
Also, when I was in college, I didn’t date because I felt like I wasn’t ready or enough yet. I kept getting ghosted, led on, and stood up. Even now, that problem doesn’t go away.
Nah it gets a lot harder because we’re set in our ways, we know exactly what we want and how we want it which means we wont deal with any crap.
I don’t say any of that with negativity, but it does make it harder to date us because men mature slower. I swear, if I hear another man say “I’m just a grown up kid hahaha” I’m going to shrivel up downstairs from dryness. I’m 33 and I want a mature man, who knows what he wants and how he wants it.
Agree
But at least you can and should date younger
This whole post is just to the extreme and not true.
I get how these conclusions are being made. It can be really easy to fall down these rabbit holes and just turn everything into a doom situation. But this isn’t life. This isn’t what’s happening in the world.
Are there young women who just want to party with the top 1%? Sure of course. Are there shallow women who think they have a chance to lock down the top 1% only to eventually realize they are just on a roster that he has fun with? Sure.
But what about the women who are too shy and timid to date at all? Or the women who are just focusing on their own studies and gettin them selves established before they even want to get out there dating? What about the women who are out there dating for real, looking for a down to earth man that’s a good companion, and she finds one, but he turns out to be toxic, or a flake, or an addict, or a loser, but she doesn’t see all this until she’s emotionally invested. And she’s not self secure or mature enough to just walk away, so she wastes years and decades with him before finally leaving?
Are you the second choice tor those women? Are you the consolation prize? Are they settling for you? Or are you exactly what they want, and it just took a while to find you?
You are acting like the women you might meet you later and love you later are the exact specific women that once rejected you. lol no. Do you know how rare that would be?
And if dating does become easier for you once you are more mature, more socially secure, more established in life, you do realize that you CAN date younger. I’m not saying this is the way. But it’s an option. You can go be those younger women’s first choice….if that’s so important to you.
I married the first man I ever dated. He was obese, bald, and sci fi nerd gamer geek. And I loved him because he was nice, kind, and we shared the same interests and humor. I was wild for him.
But we were not actually compatible in many ways that only showed up after we married. So I’m over 40 now out there dating really for the first time in my life. None of these new dates now are “second choices”. They are simply brand new choices. People I never even met before, becasue I locked myself down with my very first everything, and it didn’t work out.
I was not a party girl then. I’m not one now. Plenty of us get a late start, or start over. Doesn’t mean we are bad options. What if you did find someone now, someone amazing, and in ten years it falls apart? And you a back on the dating scene. Are you now looking for your second choice? Or are you just looking to get it right this time? Be more discerning. Be smarter with dating? Because you are older and wiser now.
Your take is very bitter, and doesn’t allow for nuance. We don’t know why you struggle to date now. Maybe you are actualy an asshole. Or super boring. Maybe you have bad breath and don’t know it. Maybe you are shy and don’t put yourself out there. Or you do cold approaches only which almost never work. Maybe your dating profile is abysmal. My exes was, I helped him polish it, and he immediately got more matches.
You walk around with this attitude and no woman will want you. But I guess since you decided to give up and be alone anyway, that’s just a win win….
coming from a 32f, there really is something about a man in his 30s or 40s that makes me feral. I would say those are a man’s prime years for sure. majority 20 somethings are still kinda immature, unstable, and have a more youthful look to them. there is something about aging that is sexy.
and we can’t help the things we’re attracted to. I personally prefer to date, at minimum, slightly older than myself.
your likely best age demographic for dating, early 20s, are all still trying to figure out life. many may not be ready or looking very hard for a serious relationship.
once women reach their mid 20s and start really looking for a serious partner, many most likely have a preference for a man slightly older as well. so you start to see the late 20s and 30s men getting more action from those women.
it is what it is. try not to take it personally. keep putting yourself out there to gain experience.
As people get older, dating can become more difficult because they tend to have clearer ideas about what they want in a partner, which makes it harder to find someone who fits all their preferences. Additionally, the pool of single people available to date shrinks over time because many have already settled down or are no longer looking for a relationship. Busy schedules, responsibilities, and daily routines also leave less time and opportunity to meet new people.
Another reason is that past experiences, heartbreaks, or trust issues can make people more cautious or hesitant to start something new. Social circles may become smaller or less active, making it harder to meet potential partners casually. Plus, concerns about health, lifestyle, and compatibility add extra layers of complexity, making dating at an older age more challenging than when were younger.