I am not exactly sure why I am posting… maybe to see if others have gone through this? My husband and I had a roller coaster marriage. There was a lot of emotional abuse and sexual coercion. He was my best friend and my worst enemy. I had never had a relationship like that in my life and it almost destroyed me. The fighting got worse and worse until I got a lawyer (and then the fighting got really bad).
After being no/low contact for about a month he wanted to "kinda" reconcile. We dropped the divorce but stayed separated. I believe he strung me along for a while for whatever reasons (sex mostly) and eventually it finally came out. He does not believe in monogamy and marriage. Well. Maybe if he would have said that 10 years ago, I would have said no to a marriage proposal. No. But I said yes and the ups and downs just got worse and worse.
Fast forward to now. We are still married but he is "free to grow" as he puts it (having sex with whomever he can). I don't really see it as growth but that's just my perspective. We do not live together. We have a child who we co-parent but our child stays with me every night.
He no longer asks me for sex which is for the best. For my own mental health. After years of sexual abuse, I have absolutely no desire to seek out anyone else. The only desire I have is to live in my peaceful home, happy, and having fun with my kids.
But now, now we have gotten past the whole problem. He never wanted to be tied down. Now he tells me "I love you" more than he ever did when we were together. He says I am his best friend. I know almost everything there is to know about him. To be honest, when our times were good he was incredibly wonderful to me. He knows me too.
I would say without a "marriage" in the way I feel I can appreciate him as a human being. Someone who has had his struggles and is trying to figure himself out. I do love him and I want him to be happy. I want to be happy too. I do know that he fears that I will meet someone else and has said it would break him. Again, I have no desire to even entertain another man in my life. But I do feel a type of loneliness? Sadness? Idk. I would NEVER put myself in an abusive relationship again, with him or anyone else. Maybe I am sad for something that never even existed?
I don't feel unhappy with my life. I have wonderful children, family nearby, a fulfilling career, fun hobbies, friends (even him as my bff) and I belong to a support group. But something about all of this seems to leave a little black spot on my heart. Thanks for reading. I appreciate you all.