Tw: death of a loved one, grief, depression, divorce
Well. A lot has happened in the past months. I read all your comments. Multiple times. And I heard you. I faced some very hard truths about my family and our dynamics. But mostly I grieved.
About a month after I made my original post, my dad passed away. It was very unexpected. Massive stroke. The worst part was mom was out of town, so my dad died alone. My son talked to him that same day. They made plans for the next week. And then…my dad was gone.
It’s been a very hard few months. I started therapy mostly to deal with navigating life without dad, but my therapist made a lot of good points about our family dynamic. Mostly that I was parentified and a people pleaser. That “keeping the peace” comes at a price. And that price was my needs being put on the back burner. And as a result I keep people at an arms length bc of this. And I’ll be damned if she wasn’t right.
So let’s rewind a little. During the week or so after dad died, mom was lost (they’ve been married over 40 years, so no surprise there), and as the eldest sibling, I stepped up big time. Jo and I already knew a little about our parents end of life wishes, and we chose to go forward with cremation. Mom agreed (this is her wish as well), as did Amy. Guess who didn’t? If you guessed Beth…you’d be right. She just had a complete meltdown, wailing over how she couldn’t stand the thought and will NOT allow it, and blah blah blah.
This is probably the first instance of me shutting her ass down. I told her, in NO uncertain terms, that this wasn’t her choice, it was our father’s preference, and it was happening regardless. Next, she was wandering thru the house, trying to pick out shit she wanted, before mom had even given us her blessing. When she started, mom asked her to please stop, let her sort some stuff first, and then she will give a yes or no. When Beth asked what she needed to “sort out,” Mom mentioned dad’s watch collection. There was one specifically for my son, and when Beth inquired as to which one, mom refused to answer. Beth insisted that wasn’t fair, she should have first pick, blah blah blah. Mom and Jo apparently shut that shit down with a quickness. I wasn’t there, but my son is now wearing the first “luxury” watch, my dad ever bought, and he is so proud. Don’t worry though, – all the grands have something special.
Next, she got absolutely plastered at his end of life ceremony, went around wailing and making literally the whole thing about her grief and how her wishes weren’t respected, and before I could snap (and believe me, I was THISCLOSE), Chase dragged her ass out of venue and I’m not sure what happened, but when they got home, police were called, Beth was arrested, and my niece ended up with my mom for the night. My BIL did have some bruises to back him up. Despite Beth calling us…nobody bailed her ass out. We are just DONE with it.
She did get released on her own recognizance, and only ended up with some community service and a fine. Chase was more than willing to do therapy with her, but she started drinking even more, and as result is being more aggressive with both him and the kids.
There was another situation, and long story short, Chase is divorcing her and petitioning for full custody. He has asked us to write letters on his behalf, and I believe all of us are going to do so. I don’t know what is going on with my sister, but she is on a downward spiral and it’s so sad to see. She refuses to speak with anyone, and I’m just done trying. I’d already decided to cut her off after the bullshit at dad’s end of life ceremony, but this solidified it.
I won’t be updating again. I’m washing my hands of all of this. I hope my sister gets help, but it’ll take a lot of work, and she’s never been one to want to put in the work. I’m putting myself first, for ONCE, and concentrating on my children, my husband, and MYSELF.
Thanks for listening to me vent. Y’all are almost as good as therapy.