Hi everyone, I (f/23) am writing because my best friend’s (f/23) toxic behavior just ended our friendship.
I honestly thought she would be in my life forever. We’d been close since we were 10, grew up together, did all the wild teenage stuff, and went on many vacations throughout the years — until it all came to a head on our last month-long trip.
She’s always had quirks I brushed off as “that’s just Lora.” She could be a little know-it-all, get aggravated quickly, sulk, or act passive-aggressive. But on this vacation, I started noticing patterns, and it became crystal clear that our friendship couldn’t continue like this.
Maybe it was naive, but I still hoped to talk things out. I told myself that if she took responsibility, apologized sincerely, and opened up, I’d give the friendship another chance. But deep down, I already knew that was unlikely. What I got instead shook me to my core.
Some context: Morocco, a year earlier
(If you just want to come to the main events you can skip this)
Lora and I went on a one-week trip to Morocco. During this trip, she was annoyed, passive-aggressive, and gave me the cold shoulder. My opinion is: if something bothers YOU, YOU should bring it up. I’m not communicating for both of us. So I usually ignore her digs. Sometimes I had no clue what upset her, sometimes I could guess.
A month later, we sat down and had a talk. Her explanation: she was upset because I was “always on my phone” (I’m in a long-distance relationship, so yea, I text my boyfriend). She said she felt like I would’ve rather been there with him, and she thought I was doing some things just so I could tell him about them later — not because I wanted to do them with her. ??? Wild accusation, but okay.
I apologized and reassured her. But when I asked why she hadn’t just told me at the time instead of sulking, she snapped that she hadn’t because I wouldn’t have taken her feelings seriously anyway. Her “proof”? On the plane, she’d said with a chuckle: “I got my period yesterday, so sorry in advance for this week.” I had answered: “Hmm, then please try to think about whether something’s really a big deal or just hormones before unloading your frustration on me.”
To me, that was reasonable. This was my vacation too, and her “apology in advance” sounded like a free pass to be unpleasant all week. But she took my comment out of context and twisted it into me dismissing her feelings completely.
We settled on calling it a misunderstanding. Still, I wasn’t happy: I apologized and she put the responsibility back on me and didn’t. But I was so used to her acting childish when hurt, and just relieved we could go back to being friends like normal — so I let it go.
This made me hesitate before our month-long trip, but I told myself communication would fix it. I even proposed a compromise about my phone use and told her to speak up in the moment before resentment built up. I thought that would help. I was wrong.
India and Thailand: walking on eggshells
For the first week in India, we stayed at my kindergarten friend’s home. From day one, Lora made a problem out of everything. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. She constantly corrected me over tiny, insignificant details, got passive-aggressive, sulked, or launched into long lectures about her research.
Lora has anxiety. And on our first day, when an ATM didn’t work for her, she panicked.
I spent half an hour calmly reassuring her and telling her that it’s common some ATMs don’t work. My friend later said she was shocked at how patient I stayed while Lora lost it. To me, it was just “another Tuesday with Lora.”
But that day it really felt like I was fighting her anxiety. At one point, she almost yelled: “BUT CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND?! It could also be my card? What am I supposed to do then?! Then I won’t have any money!” I kept reassuring her and brought up solutions.
This became the tone of the whole trip. She panicked, criticized, made subtly condescending comments, and sulked, while I tried to smooth things over.
Whenever I attempted to set a boundary, gave an ounce of criticism, or dared to question what she said, she exploded, flipped it back on me, and then withdrew.
So I stayed quiet to protect my own peace
— but inside I was observing closely how she treated me, and it piled up.
The subtle comparisons
It wasn’t just criticism — it was competition. Slowly, the pattern became clear.
•In Morocco, she’d said she was more observant of her surroundings than me.
•In Thailand, she was upset we bought the same pants, but hers didn’t fit. She sighed, “They just fit you better,” in a disappointed tone.
•In India, the tattoo incident made it unmistakable: she compared reactions to mine versus hers, implying hers deserved more attention.
At first I brushed these off. But together, they painted a picture: she constantly measured herself against me. And when she felt threatened, she made herself bigger by making me smaller.
The “shitty” situation
One example that stands out: I misjudged a fart and had a minor accident. Embarrassing, yes, but not a big deal in the privacy of your hotel room with your best friend as the only witness, right? RIIIIGHT??! I showered and took one of her meds from her “travel pharmacy.”
The next day, she said with a smug grin: “Sorry, OP, but I don’t understand how you could travel to India and Thailand with NO medication. What would you have done if I didn’t have these?”
I said: “I’d go to a pharmacy?”
Lora: “But you literally shit yourself. 😆 How would you go to a pharmacy if you’re shitting yourself?”
Me: “…I’d clean up and then go? I don’t plan ahead for the chance of shitting myself. It’s not like it happens that often.”
Her: “Well, your track record isn’t looking so good right now. 🥴“
She eventually let it go — but not before making sure I felt mocked. That moment summed up the trip: my vulnerability became her chance to feel superior. I felt like she was breathing down my neck, waiting for me to slip.
The dynamic and how it made me feel
I feel used, disrespected, and diminished. I had invited her into private parts of my life, supported her through her anxiety, and adjusted to her constant criticism. I swallowed my own pride and feelings while I was co-regulating hers to avoid another escalation.
In return, she undermined me at every opportunity.
It wasn’t about individual comments anymore — it was a dynamic, a hierarchy she created where she was always on top, and I was beneath.
The betrayal cut deep. I thought she was someone I could trust, but instead she used my openness for ammunition. The more I adapted, the more she controlled me and eroded my self-worth.
The final confrontation
After the trip, I finally confronted her, hoping she’d reflect. Instead, she dodged the questions, twisted the narrative, blamed me, and defended her image. She tried to gaslight and guilt-trip me by making herself out to be the victim of it all.
She never acknowledged how she treated me.
That’s when it hit me: she was never going to. Because it would’ve meant owning her insecurities — which she avoided feeling by making me feel them instead all along.
TL;DR
My best friend of 13 years systematically diminished me — to make herself feel superior. She never acknowledged or apologized for how she treated me and I don’t know how to process or move on from this.