I’m 21, I’ve never been in a relationship, I’ve never kissed someone, I’ve never even held hands with someone else
I know everyone discovers things at their own pace, and it’s not good to compare yourself to others, but I can’t help it
Two of my cousins recently got married (to different people), one even had a kid, and I’m super happy for them, but it feels weird, I know they’re 7-8 years older than me, but I remember growing up with them, going on holidays, playing games, going round theirs for sleepovers, barbecues, the lot
It’s not just them, my sister, again, a fair few years older than me, but she’s been with her boyfriend for a fair few years now, they live together, and they’re talking about having a kid, getting married etc
My younger brother, has a girlfriend, they’ve been dating for about 4 years now, and they’re talking about moving in together when they finish University
2 of my friends are in relationships, 1 of them is already living with his girlfriend, and the other is talking about moving halfway around the world with his, when they finish with University
And I’m super, super happy for all of them, really, I am, it just feels like they’re all growing up, and I’m getting left behind
It’s one thing not being in a relationship, but it’s the fact I’ve never been close, I don’t know what to do, what to say, I don’t even know where I’d go to look for one
Online dating has been nothing but a dead end, and I don’t feel comfortable just going up and talking to people out in public, so the idea of trying to talk to someone and try and “pick them up” is beyond crazy for me
My only relationship experience? One person I matched with on tinder, when they were presumably drunk, and bummed out about the fact they’d recently broken up with their partner
Which was simultaneously the best, most stressful, and mentally damaging time of my life
16 months, of daily texting, of talking about problems, of happiness, pain and uncertainty at the same time
All over a person that I never actually met in person, whom I only ever knew in a virtual capacity
And still, that’s the closest I’ve ever gotten to a real relationship
TV makes it look so easy, you know, you find someone, you fall in love, you end up together
Sure there are bumps in the road, you make a lot of mistakes, and some tears are shed, but ultimately, you end up happy, you end up with a special someone
But I’ve learned, real relationships don’t work like that, there’s no passionate speech that suddenly wins the person over, there’s no spur of the moment, passion filled kiss that makes them realise their feelings all along
Instead it’s just a mess of online dating, doom scrolling on social media, and crying yourself to sleep
I know I’m not perfect, far from it in fact, I have plenty of personal issues that I need to work on, both mentally and physically before I’m ready
I just wish it wasn’t so hard, I just wish there was something, anything to help me believe there was a reason to hope