First thing : my apologies for the possible mistakes in grammar and such, I'm French.
We've been together for 2 years now. We live separately but a few weeks ago my boyfriend asked me if I would agree to move with him once our professional situations would be stable enough. He's been in a medical limbo for almost three years now, which means he's never really taken the time to think about whether or not he wanted children. In fact, when we first met, he was completely resistant to the subject (which was fine with me, since on the very first date I told him I didn't want children and was considering having my tubes tied).
He has an older brother who has been a father for a year and a half, and a younger brother who just announced that he and his partner were expecting a child in may. From the moment they announced it, I knew they were going to come after me with "what about the both of you?", etc. "They" being my boyfriend's family because I do not have one anymore, I'm on my own. My boyfriend already feels quite isolated from the rest of his siblings because of his health problems, I knew it was only a matter of time before he felt isolated because he doesn't have any kid of his own. All the alarms went off in my head, when we discussed it he told me that I was making up scenarios in my head for nothing, that I was worrying too much… I reiterated that there was no way I was having a child, that it was something he would never have from me.
What I didn't know at the time was that he had changed his mind several months ago without telling me. He admitted to me two days later that he had known for 5 months that he wanted a child, that he wanted to leave "a legacy". We said goodbye on good terms, we still communicate by messages but I can't help but try to resolve this situation which, I know, is insoluble.
To be perfectly honest, I'm mostly sad and bitter. These two years together were tumultuous to say the least, especially because of his health problems. We "broke up" once or twice, but I always hung on because a person's health is not a reason to break up for me. I made a lot of concessions and compromises to make it work; in retrospect, I was the one who kept our relationship going. Communication isn't his strong point, and he's what I call "emotionally constipated." It was very difficult to get him to talk about his feelings, to open up to me. At the very beginning of our relationship, he even accused me of trying to "change" him just because I wanted him to talk to me. I'm aware of the efforts he made for me, but I remain bitter. Because a hypothetical child who may never exist automatically puts me out of the game when I gave absolutely everything I had for him, as if it didn't matter.
I couldn't list all the reasons why I don't want children because there are so many, but despite that, I was ready to make one last concession: to promise to think about it again the day I have a stable professional, financial and material situation without any guarantee that the definitive answer would be positive. It's really the most I can do because there is no we're having a "band-aid child" who will not be wanted by one of his parents. I know it's a bad idea because he will wait on me all these years and I will never be serene because of that, but I can't help but try to find a solution, to not let the boat sink like that.
The worst part, and I may be cruel for thinking this and writing it here, is that I don't even think he'd make a good father. We both had violent childhoods, and right now I can't see him ending up any other way than like his father or mine. Wanting a child is easy, being ready to be a father is something else. He hates when something is unexpected and plans need to change and untimely noise, he describes his brothers as "incarcerated" in their relationships, and suddenly he wants to join them? I'd like to make him understand that there are other ways to "leave a legacy," that we could both be absolutely happy, that we could babysit our nephews/nieces from time to time without having to change our lives irreversibly. On the other hand, he has every right to change his mind, and it would probably be rude of me to try to convince him to make this final concession for me, for all the ones I've made for him. If the roles were reversed, I don't know if I would accept it.
Should I still try to talk him out of it ?
TL;DR: I don't want children, he wants one, I'm trying not to lose my mind.
EDIT : Thanks everybody for your kind replies.
I just want to clarify a point/add something that can explain why I'm so conflicted about this while the answer is kinda obvious.
As I said in the original post, I do not have a family of my own anymore. It's been 10 years (I'm gonna spare you the details but my grandfather couldn't keep his hands to himself and nobody did anything to stop him), so it sort of healed something in my when my boyfriend introduced me to his parents for the first time. 2 years ago was the first Christmas I didn't spend alone, crying in my apartment because I felt like a failure. Now I'm scared of the next one.
I know having a kid to "heal" a part of yourself is one of the most selfish reasons to have children (and frankly I do not see any selfless reason to have a kid anyway) but sometimes I wonder if it could heal me in some way. I know that despite the fact that I want to be childfree I would be a great mom, but I know that it would also k*ll me. I long for a family. I finally had one again, now it's gone. I kinda feel betrayed (I shouldn't, I know it's because the wound is still fresh that I feel this way).
Moreover, it made me consider the fact that my material situation is a big part of why I'm so adamant about not having kids : I'm unemployed because even selling your soul in this goddamn country cannot give you a job, I'm still living in the same studio I found when I was in college (so 1 living room with a kitchen in the corner, no separate bedroom). Will I change my mind once I live in a *real* apartment where I don't sleep where I cook ?
It made me doubt. I started searching "gothic baby" on Instagram to see if it would awaken something in me (being a goth myself I can only birth evil), I started dreaming about the both of us with a little girl wearing Dr Martens that I would initiate to my favourite bands and mosh with in the living room.
Needless to say, my head is a mess right now. Still, a big thanks to everybody.