Me [29F] / Him [31M].. Everyone thinks he's the perfect guy… I've literally been told by my mom that he's the best thing that's EVER happened to me?!?!?! Wtf… "Nothing like my father.."
Translation: worship the ground he walks on and consider myself lucky because he's "one of the good ones." A man is where I should find my value.. He has a good job, doesnt pick fights with anyone else, and is an outwardly nice dude…
In reality: we havent had sex in close to 6 months… almost every weekend
he drinks and/or does drugs then goes to the bathroom to jerkoff instead of being with me. But thats okay with me because i couldnt even imagine myself being intimate with him ever again. We fight privately almost everyday about the littlest stuff.
disclaimer- im not some ogre or unpleasant person (neither is he). I know we both could find other people fairly quickly but I just wish I was single and dating myself. I have a lot of trauma I need to get over before I can ever jump into another relationship
Truthfully I'm not even mad at him about who he is or what he does anymore. I dont see him as my boyfriend anymore… that ship has long sailed… everything that i found redeemingly sexy about him in the past is long gone. I know I have more time to find someone else and I literally can't do 7 more years of this. Its not fair to either of us.. I've explicitly said this to him, point blank, no sugar coat. And I think he has the sunk cost fallacy mentality about our relationship.
Anyone reading this is probably wondering why I havent left yet and/or what's making me stay? (1) Despite the fact I have a good job and work full time, I dont make enough currently to move out and we're renting a place in a HCOL area. I would need at least 1 or 2 roommates to make it work.. which is not something im opposed to but I dont want to live with strangers either (2) most of my family is dead or dead to me so I cant lean on them either (3) every time i try to end things, he breaks down in tears and cries. Telling me thats not an option over and over and over until I ultimately cave because I literally have nowhere to go.
I feel so defeated. mostly by myself more than any one else because ive never been this girl who puts up with shitty relationships… and yet somehow I found myself in a seven year relationship I don't know how to get out of.
I wish I could go back in time knowing what I know now but I cant change the past. I also dont know how to change the future either… I feel Stuck , depressed, and done with life.