Using a TA for obvious reasons…
Background: I'm (29M) am thinking about divorcing my wife (31F). We have a house, a cat and 2 small kids (3.5y and 1.5y) and love them to death. Together for 12.5y, married for 5y.
TL;DR: Stuff has happened in the past, and I don't feel happy. However, I'm not sure whether it's just burnout/depression, or if I'm actually better off without her.
Full story (keep in mind this is just my side…):
For me, problems started early in our relationship after she was secretly chatting with other men and even arranged to bring one to our apartment at the time, recommending me to go visit my parents during that time. I know she danced with and kissed the other man in a nightclub and they stayed in the apartment later. She swears nothing happened, as they both realized that it's a mistake and he then slept on the couch. However, this is not the story I initially heard, but what she told me this year. At first, it was more like "he just sent me home and then left". Now, I don't consider myself stupid and, honestly, I don't think I've heard everything. However, this was ~10y ago and I don't think I really care anymore if anything happened. I am, however, a bit devastated to have found out I've been lied to all this time. We broke up for a bit, but got back together due to me being in a dark place and naive (I know, I know…).
We've had issues with physical closeness (sex as well, but not just that) for over 6y now. I've tried talking about it and seeing what I could do and/or change from my side. She has listened and seemingly cared, but nothing has changed. I'm definitely no expert, but it has felt like she could be asexual, since she has been completely fine with going multiple months without any sex.
We had planned for kids years in advance and when the time finally came, I told her that I don't think it's a good idea due to us having issues with physical closeness and this is something I need. Promises to change, yada yada… Voila, we now have 2 amazing children and I wouldn't change a thing.
With the added stress of raising kids, whenever I've brought this topic up again, she has told me that it's hard for her after having kids. I feel I understand that as much as I can, and I've been patient. I'm an active dad and she has told me that she appreciates how much I play with and care for our kids. Of course I haven't been perfect either and I feel I could've given her even more time away from the kids. But, this isn't a new issue, since it was present long before we even had kids.
The last few years have been very stressful due to buying a house and decorating it, as well as doing a lot of work in the garden, all while raising 2 small kids. Now that the kids have grown up just a bit and go to kindergarten, I've discovered myself thinking about what I want. I don't feel happy and have doubts whether I truly can be happy in this marriage anymore… I feel like I've been the one holding us together and that I've been the "comfortable" choice. I feel I've been sort of neglected for a long time now, even though I've openly and calmly expressed my feelings and needs. Still, nothing has changed… Until now.
My wife noticed I've been "off" lately – more quiet, serious and sad. I told her that I don't think I've been happy in this relationship for years now and am thinking whether I want to continue. She was, of course, very sad to hear about this, and started asking about what's wrong. I told her the same that I've written here, and then some, and I've seen real change in her. She's suddenly very touchy-feely and initiates sex daily. However, I feel a bit indifferent about all of this… Why just now? Why not when I tried different ways and words to talk about this for years? However, after a few weeks I felt myself opening up a bit again.
I had a feeling she might tell some of her friends about this situation, so I gave in and snooped a bit (yes, we have access to eachothers devices. And yes, I know it's wrong, but that's a separate topic). I saw a group chat with 2 of her girlfriends, where she didn't have one positive thing to say about me. All of this hurt me deeply, because I know that I'm not the person she made me out to be. I talked about this with her and asked why she felt the need to picture me in that light. She replied that she was looking for comfort and the best way she knew how to get that was to talk negatively. I understand that people often love drama and gossip, but this is your partner and the father of your children… This situation made my doubts even worse.
I've been reading books and others' stories online. I've also been talking to a therapist and my dad about all of this. I would love to hear other peoples stories about similar situations.
My dad is divorced and now living with a new woman – said he's happy now. This was very good to hear, because he told me he hadn't felt happy for the last 16 years of his marriage with my mom (most of their marriage). He told me this about his marriage (rough translation): "Once a soup has gone bad, you can heat it up again, but that won't make it good". The difficult thing for me is, I can't be sure any decision I make is the right one. My dad also told me that I won't know until I find out. I feel this is a tough thing to "find out", as it's a life-changing decision, but I do agree with him.
Thankfully, we're both doing well in our careers: she makes ~2x the average salary in our country, while I make ~3x. What makes it harder is that I would never give up my kids, so anything less than 50/50 is not even an option for me, but she has told me that she couldn't do 50/50 as that's not enough for her. She also added that she doesn't feel like she would want to even get along with me if we were to divorce, and I feel that would devastate our kids (if not now, then later). I've always thought "all relationships have problems" and while I feel that's true, I still think I should feel happy…
Am I just burnt out? Am I just looking for something new?
Or am I truly feeling that this is not right? If so, is it worth throwing away everything we've built?
Or should I try to fix everything again and risk feeling the same way sometime later in my life? I just don't want to ever say that I've been unhappy for 16 years, because hearing my dad say that broke my heart…