tldr: my bf and I split all finances 50/50, rent, bills etc, we moved in together back in June, but as I work fewer hours, he feels its fair for me to be doing basically everything
His job requires him to be in the office 5 days a week and he works long hours. My job is only 2 days a week in the office and rest wfh, and some days can be pretty quiet but we earn the same amount of money. Getting a cleaner isn't something either of us want to do.
Since moving in together, I do pretty much everything and I'm getting sick of it. 60/40 split I could do, but it's basically 100/0 at this point.
If he ever does laundry, it will just be his clothes. If he ever cooks, he's just cooking for himself, whereas I am always doing his laundry and cooking for him, and he'll take the leftovers to work. At this point financially it's not very even, as I'm doing the grocery shop and buying things like cleaning products, toilet paper etc when they run out.
The reason I'm in a fairly chilled job is because I am trying to get a side hustle off the ground and it will be a lot of work before I can get monetised. But every morning I wfh, I am cleaning up his dishes from the night before and picking up his clothes. When I come home from work on my office days, I'm cleaning up his mess when I'd rather be working out, seeing friends, or working on my side hustle.
His argument is that I should be doing this because I'm at home more. But honestly, I miss my old place where I lived with friends and I was only expected to clean up after myself. He has not offered to pay a larger proportion of the bills/rent and I doubt he would.
Also just because I'm home, doesn't mean I'm not busy as I do indeed have a job and I'm not the stay at home girlfriend he seems to want me to be.
I keep thinking about if I had my own place or lived with friends, I'd have a lot more time for myself and to get my side hustle making money. I'm a pretty clean person so simply living in his mess would be really unpleasant and difficult for me. I've been tempted to leave for a week or two, just to make him realise how much I do for him.
Is there a way to successfully communicate that I need a change in how we do chores, or is it too far gone at this point?
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This isn’t about a magical combination of words you need, you just need to be firm in your position until he accepts that changes need to be made. He can’t pay part of rent and not do any chores, while you pay rent and do all the chores. Unless 100% of his pay is at both your disposal, and you want to take on all chores, he doesn’t get to enjoy 100% of your effort to keep the house clean. “I don’t think this is fair and I don’t want to do it like this anymore. I think we should be a team in chore distribution too, like we are when we split the bills. Some extra chores I could take on, but not all.” Then put everything on paper and see how you can distribute chores.
You’re dating an asshole. Because it’s not even strictly about the precise division of things, although obviously that’s a part of it. It’s that seemingly his primary concern is himself. His laundry, not yours. His idea of what’s fair, not yours. The core of this is that you’re not happy, and rather than him thinking “oh no, my partner is unhappy, let’s figure out a balance so she doesn’t feel so overloaded”, instead his approach is basically “well I’ve decided this is fine, so suck it up”. That’s just…shit.
Presumably you’ve tried communicating all this, so the issue isn’t really “how to communicate” it’s simply that he doesn’t care. And you can’t make him care. One obvious starting point is stop doing cooking, laundry, etc. for him, because why should you? But that isn’t really a solution – at best he’ll grudgingly do bits and pieces but he still won’t actually care.
Of course there’s always a slight imbalance if one person has slightly more time, one person works longer hours, etc. But the end result should always be that both people are happy enough with the division of labor, money, etc., whatever form that takes. If one of you isn’t happy, you either fix it, or you recognise it’s a fundamental incompatibility and break up.
I don’t see the advantage of leaving for 2 weeks to try and convey the point. Because if that’s what it takes for him to actually give a shit, rather than you telling him you’re unhappy…why bother? Time for a come to Jesus talk, couples counselling, whatever. “I’m unhappy, and you don’t seem to care that I’m unhappy. How we divide chores/bills/whatever isn’t OK with me. I want to work with you to find a solution, because right now I’m seriously considering if this is the right relationship for me. Unless something changes I’ll leave, and if you decide *then* that you’re ready to make some changes, that will be too late. *Then* isn’t the time for you to suddenly realise how serious I am about this, it’s **now**. This isn’t an ultimatum, I’m not making a demand, beyond wanting you to acknowledge how unhappy I am, and showing me that you want to help me figure out what we can do about that.”
Honestly he just sounds selfish and vindictive to me. At the very least, if you’re doing laundry you can through your partner’s clothes in at the same time, if you’re cooking for yourself it’s not hard to whip up an extra portion. He’s not doing it deliberately, not just out of laziness or lack of caring or anything, he is deliberately deciding not to cook for you because he believes you don’t deserve it.
At least that’s what I’m reading here. It’s a no brainer imo if you’re splitting the bills then you split the housework somewhat evenly. Him having longer work hours doesn’t benefit you in any way if he’s not contributing in any way, you both pay the same, you’re both working, you both live there, the chores are both your responsibility.
Unless he pays all of the bills, it’s not reasonable for him to expect you to do everything. You are working, even when it’s “WORK from home”. Otherwise you wouldn’t be getting paid.
You need to stand firm that if you pay 50/50, everything at home needs to be 50/50 on chores too. You haven’t signed up to be his maid. If he wants that, he can pay for it.
I know you both may not want it, but he’s doing this because you let him. I would not stay in a relationship where the guy wants me to be like his mommy. I’d lose all attraction.
I’ll pay my way, but if I have a grown child living with me, I’d rather live alone.
If you are making the same as him with that much less time, he’s doing something wrong. You should think about what it would mean if you live separately (not necessarily breaking up).
You’re still working when you’re at home. It should be 50/50.
His issue isn’t that he feels like it’s unfair, because he’s doing nothing now. The issue is that he doesn’t see household upkeep as a thing should have to do at all.
Tell him if you both really do 50/50 for six months you’ll revisit. But he isn’t doing anything. He has no plan to ever do 50/50.
I promise if he lost his job and was home full time he would still not do 50/50.
How much free time do you both have? If he’s away from home for 10 hours a day and you are working 6 hours a day, I’m sure you can do all chores while he’s not even home yet. Why would you not want to do that for your partner? It’s not ‘fair’ but that’s what partners do. You’re not roommates, then it’d be different. If you both worked the same hours and he earned much more money, he should also contribute more to the household expenses, for example. It sounds like you have much more free time than him, but you’d rather spend that extra time on hobbies than making your partner’s life easier too.
Of course if you’re working from home and you’re actually busy with work, you can’t do chores.
Who would be cleaning up after him if he lived alone?
I do more of the chores than my fiancé because he willingly has two jobs, but I also pay less of the bills to make it fair.
It’s not fair for you to do all of the chores and still pay 50/50
Yeah no. Say he’s working 40 hours a week and you’re doing 30, but you’re ALSO working 20 hours a week on the side hustle. You’re still working. And just cause you’re physically at home, doesn’t mean you aren’t working.
The fact that he will do JUST HIS laundry or cook for JUST HIM is telling, and screw that behavior. Sounds like you’re going to start doing the same unless he gets his crap together.
I agree it needs to be more like 40/60. And if he just outright refuses, I would reconsider the relationship personally, because you’re not his bang maid.
If he won’t do any chores, he can pay all the bills and rent and you can hire someone with your rent money to do all the jobs you’re doing. He won’t listen to you if you just keep asking him. You need to make a drastic change and start calling the shots
It sounds as though you have had this discussion before and have different ideas regarding what is “fair”.
This is an inequality which spans beyond dishes. Maintaining a home is work. His refusal to do extra work clearly indicates that he is keenly aware this is work. The reality is he is valuing his work over your work. This is an act of selfishness and disrespect.
If you take a step back from the frustration of not contributing to groceries or the household chores, are there other instances where the path of least resistance is to just let him have his way?
I have had this discussion with previous partners, and have often framed it in the context of respect. It is disrespectful to expect a partner to clean up after you. It is disrespectful to make the assume your time is more valuable than your partners. It is disrespectful (and misogynist) to expect that it’s a woman’s place to fulfill domestic duties.
Girl- he cooks only for himself and does only his laundry. You are just his maid- Tbh I personally wouldn’t even a conversation with my partner if he was like this and leave as the lack of consideration is insane. If you still want to make it work then you have to let him know.
If He work more hours than you, not matter who puts more or less money it’s only fair that you do more chores. That being said I mean as you say 60/40, not you doing everything.
I noticed you said when he actually do chores, He does it only for himself, well maybe you should start doing that.
Tell him that you feel the imbalance and he ideally asks to take on more
You need to share the number of free hours you both have. If it’s like 10 hours difference than it should be a fairer split. But if he’s working 80 hour weeks than you than it might just need to be lopsided for a bit. Let me be explicit. I don’t know your situation, its unlikely the latter, and it seems like he wants to take advantage of the situation.
Definitely have a conversation. This is what would resonate with me. Have you both share what a partnership means for you and what your relationship looks like long term. Write down what both of you bring to the relationship and how you think choirs should be divided. If it’s still lopsided after looking at the totality of details, make him explain to you why you would want to be in that relationship.
I would recommend try to divide choirs based on what the other hates. I rather cook than clean dishes, my fiancee is the opposite. Finally, accept that you can love someone but not be compatible as a long-term couple.
Ugh successfully communicating that may not happen until the moving truck shows up
No way you do all the work and still split the bills 50/50
Seriously in your own place you’ll be so much more relaxed
You can still date
Take care of yourself
If you didn’t live together he’d find a way to wash his own dishes and do his own laundry
> His argument is that I should be doing this
HE WILL ALWAYS HAVE A REASON IT SHOULD BE YOU
ALWAYS
FOREVER
IT ALWAYS WILL BE “SHOULD BE YOU”
ALL OF IT
FOREVER