TL;DR: I got a tattoo to honor my late mother. He says he begged me not to and now he can't look at me or be with me, despite all the things I've begged him for that haven't been important to him.
I (50F) got my first and only tattoo a week and a half ago, and my husband (50M) is furious and says if I don't get it removed immediately he is done with me.
Some background: we've been together 27 years, married 24, and have two children in their 20s. My mother died three years ago, in the home we share with my parents. We bought the house together (half and half) so that I could take care of them, but the house is in my name (relevant later).
A few years before my mother died she was hospitalized with brain surgery. I basically lived at the hospital with her during that time, witness to more suffering than I can describe. During that time I was pretty much on my own. I was my mom's advocate in the hospital, the one who explained everything to the rest of the family, and a conduit and translator to my mom's family abroad. And I was still doing my work from the window seats of my mom's room. My husband did not visit me there, not to bring me food or company or comfort. When I was finally home and could release the grief and horror I'd been feeling all that time, my husband was shocked and actually cried with me. He said he never wanted to hear cries like those from me again. I let him know later on how much I had wanted his support during that time, and how I had felt pretty abandoned. He said he would do better. Two years later, my dad was the one undergoing a brutal surgery at 84, with physical and mental complications afterward, and it was the same story. I was again on my own. When my mother did die the following year, my husband cried with me and volunteered to call the funeral home for me. But two days later when I said I was sad, he asked why. Confused, I reminded him my mom had just died. He said, "But it wasn't your fault." I honestly still don't know what that had to do with anything. Since that time, he seems to think I'm not still affected by the loss of my mother, largely because I just carry on and don't give in to the grief I'm carrying (according to him, like a "human" is supposed to do).
So back to the present. I've been talking for a couple of years about getting a tattoo of my mom's writing from a letter she wrote me when I was a teenager. It's a few loving words in her language, and I loved the idea of having those engraved on me, like a sort of talisman. In the last few years, my daughter and I had also talked about getting matching tattoos with each other, but I had delayed. My daughter actually has a tattoo of part of my mom's message to me. My husband has heard us talk about these things.
I guess he thought I wouldn't follow through. When I made the appointment, he said no, not to do it. He said, in what sounded like a joking tone to me, "That's MY skin." But he followed up saying that tattoos are gross. This was a surprise, since his sisters, his daughter, and his son all have several, and he's talked about getting them in the past. I didn't really take it seriously.
The day before my appointment he told me to cancel it. I explained that this meant a lot to me, since it was the anniversary of her death and I was missing her. The morning of, he had tears in his eyes and said, "This is going to mess me up. I don't like tattoos." But then he went on to say that my mom didn't really deserve to be honored this way, and made a couple of unkind comments about her, so I'll admit I basically stopped listening.
So I had it done, and I think it's beautiful. In what I hoped would be a compromise, I didn't put it where I'd originally planned. I put it on my upper inside arm where it would be more discreet. Looking at her words reminds me that someone did love me totally unconditionally, and it helps when I'm missing her or feeling down like I have been this week. Because my husband quit talking to me or anyone else in the house. He locks himself in his room all day and night (we sleep separately because of snoring), moved his things to another bathroom, and his clothes to that closet instead of our shared closet. He emerges only to go to work or to make his own food after we've all gone to bed. Right before his voluntary solitary confinement, he told me we were done, that he could never be attracted to me again, and that he would move out if I gave him half the value of the house (only half the value IS ours, since the other half is really my dad's), so basically he wants to take my half of our half. I know he says it to be mean, and it works, and I'm not proud of some of the things I said to him in response. So I've been miserable this whole time, and what was a special thing for me and my mom had been overshadowed by this. Further, our wedding anniversary passed without acknowledgement of course.
Tonight he emerged to tell me I didn't need to cry, there's nothing to cry about. That all I have to do is get it removed immediately. One, I can't do that while it's healing, and two, seriously? I have to burn it off with a laser to save my marriage? Once again, I've been told I'll never be attractive to him with it, that he's the I e who had to look at it, that he hates tattoos on women (again, this is a new development), and I'm basically awful because he begged me not to do it. But I've begged him for years to stop drinking because it was hurting our family, and stop some other things, and those were apparently not important. And it's not the same. According to him, a tattoo on my inner arm is "not what he married" and I knew he was an alcoholic from the start. (I didn't. It took me years to understand that.)
I told him even if I wanted to take it off, it would be a long time before I could since it hasn't even healed yet. And he noted I'd be unattractive the whole time. I suggested seeing how he feels over time while it's healing, and suggested he schedule us for counseling (we do actually need this). He made it clear he will never change his mind, and that the odds are he's not going to make any effort to make us a counseling appointment. I guess I feel if I was really his person, someone he loved for real, he wouldn't be ready to throw me away over a small simple tattoo, and he's try to understand my feelings. He insists he has loved me deeply and that I'm the one drawing the line in the sand and throwing him away.
He said he'd posted this in Reddit and everyone thought I was awful, then laughed a little and said no, he didn't post. I said ok, let's post it. He thinks I'd represent it all wrong to make myself look good, but I don't think I have. But at least here I could spell out my feelings and not have them dismissed. Am I really the bad partner here?
PS sorry for the repeat for some. This got removed from r/relationships because I guess I asked for advice/feedback and that's a no-no over there.