In order to date successfully, I think two things are required:
- Learning from past experiences;
- Gratitude.
And I think that gratitude is a MASSIVELY overlooked aspect when it comes to being able to release old flings/flames/loves/hurts. People mostly stop at acceptance. ''Just accept that this is over. Move on''. Fine, I can do that, but I still feel bitter and resentful, so has that helped me move on? NOPE.
And I have been really working on letting all of the stuff that has happened to me, go. And let me tell you- stuff HAS HAPPENED, ok?
But what has really helped me is to just decide, you know what? I am going to be grateful for the time I spent with these people, because all of them gave me something that I needed at the time. And through that I have realized what are my needs in relationship, as well.
Not trying to be smug here. I've been through it, just like everyone else.
My first boyfriend (Started dating when I was 14, lasted until I was 18) H. – (Estonian) cheated on me, but he also gave me stability and a sense of safety. I grew up with a very violent household and being with him really sheltered me and got me through some difficult days.
Second guy, D. – (Estonian) married on my birthday with a girl he told me there was ''nothing to worry about'', but I loved how accepting he was of my quirks. I never felt like I was ''weird'' or ''strange'' or rejected. He also stimulated me intellectually, which I appreciated.
Third guy, A. – (Lithuanian) I love how proactive he was with me. He always wanted to take me to places, go do stuff, spend time together. I felt like I had a friend and a lover all in one. It was great. And then he moved countries. He also took the time to teach me my superior blowjob skills. (Yeah, I said it).
4th guy, J. – (French) A huge liar, manipulative, a cheat and we almost had a baby. I think my soul split there with him for a while. But he cooked for me, he always gave me compliments, he took me everywhere, we spent a lot of time together. And I always appreciate the determination he pursued me with. I mean, dude was relentless and very charming at the same time. And he could make me laugh!!
5th guy-, A. (Indian) Financially abusive, grandiose narcissist, liar, and a cheat. Also, threw me out of our home while breaking up with me over the phone after 3 years. I liked that he was able to keep up the conversation. He had a wild imagination and talking to him was super interesting. And that's about it. Everything else he did had an ulterior motive. But he had me mentally engaged and it was interesting. Oh, he also taught me the rules for football!!
6th guy, M. – (Italian) Oh, here just life happened. A bit of disappointment, too. He asked me ''Are you happy?'' It blew me away, because no one ever checks in with me like that. He was able to have the hard conversations and was always very gentle when he talked to me. I felt .. idk how to even put it. I felt like I matter. Like, I, my presence is valuable to HIM.
7th guy, M. – (Egyptian ) way too clingy and some anger management issues. Manipulative. Turned into a stalker situation. Treated me like a princess, though, when it was good. (I am pretty sure his sister hexed me)
8th guy, M. – (English) Haven't dated after him. Worse than J. It's been 3 years. I am OK now, though. Just took me some time. Also lied and cheated. But my god, sex was lit. And god he could make me laugh. Dude was HILARIOUS. And we could stay up hours, just talking about anything. It was great. Also, gave great hugs and always ALWAYS had a huge gorgeous smile on his face when he saw me. That was precious to me. And he was there for me at a very crucial moment and gave me hope.
So there's that. I learned that I like kind, giving people who I can just relax and be silly with, who can make me laugh and who are super horny. Intellectual rapport is very important to me as well. And I also like men who ground me. I find that very calming.
And would I know myself so well if I hadn't gone through all these moments with them? No. So I am thankful. Pain is momentary, lessons are for life.
So, what have you learned about what you need from your person? What are those things you are grateful for?
And if there is nothing you can find, then that's fine, too. Took me FOREVER.