My wife (33F) and I (35M) have two kids (11 months and 2.5 years). My wife is currently on maternity leave. She has 12 weeks off and about 3 weeks left. (Yes this is weird timing for maternity leave).
My MIL (65F) lives with us and works as our nanny. We pay her $2,500/month, plus we cover all food and housing. I feel like that’s a reasonable arrangement, but I’m open to being wrong.
The issue is that while my wife has been on leave, my MIL has basically stopped taking the lead with childcare. She’ll start late, take long breaks (like 2 hours to go to the hot tub or church), or focus on things like walking her 2 dogs, cleaning, or doing laundry. If my wife takes the kids out, my MIL will tag along, but she doesn’t shoulder the hard parts of childcare.
So instead of my wife getting a break, she’s basically full-time parenting while my MIL sort of floats around. My wife isn’t getting much “me time,” and I really want her to have that. Meanwhile, my MIL seems to be enjoying the time off and doing what she likes instead.
Of course, she is “helping” in her own way around the house, with cleaning and laundry, but I’ve told her we can handle our own laundry and cleaning. What we really need is support with the kids.
Is it fair for me to feel annoyed? It honestly feels like my MIL is taking advantage of my wife being home and not pulling her weight the way she usually does. I know maternity leave is meant for caregiving, but since our youngest is already 11 months, I really see this time as a chance for my wife to recharge mentally and not be “on” with the kids all the time.
My wife is a natural sacrificer. She’ll put the kids first without complaint. But that makes it harder for me, because by the time I finish work, she’s already exhausted. Then the burden shifts to me, and the whole household feels the strain. When she’s overtired and stretched thin, she gets understandably crabby, and it ends up affecting all of us.
I’ve talked with my wife about this, and it’s tricky because it’s her mom. She doesn’t want to create conflict or come across as ungrateful, which I completely understand. But at the same time, I can see she’s worn down, and I don’t think it’s fair that she isn’t getting the rest or personal time she needs.
TL;DR: MIL is our paid live-in nanny. Since my wife’s been on maternity leave, MIL has stopped pulling her weight with childcare and mostly does house chores or personal stuff instead, leaving my wife with no real break. Am I wrong to be frustrated?