How do you handle it when someone you’re talking to shows interest at first, but then starts putting in less effort with messages?
For context: I’ve been speaking to a girl for about 5 days. At first, the effort felt about 50/50 — we sent voice notes, even had a video call, and it was going really well. Then one night she suddenly trauma-dumped on me and started talking heavily about her exes. Since then, she hasn’t been putting effort in at all.
I’ve asked friends, and they told me to pull back a bit to see how she handles it. We went a night without speaking, and she eventually messaged me, but her replies were things like “yeah,” “lmao,” “lol,” and “true.” Basically, nothing I can build on.
So my question is: how do you proceed in this kind of situation without chasing, but also without being the one who always carries the conversation?
17 comments
I have only trauma dumped on men who I’m not attracted to
This is going to sting, but sounds like she’s decided your friend material.
some people instead of using their words will use their actions because it’s less scary. She decided to talk about her exes because she no longer felt like she needed to hide that part of her to seem more attractive and put together.
It really sucks but theres like nothing you could’ve done differently other than to stop talking to her. Or what you could do is ask her why her messages have got so short, which is what I would personally do. Just drop a “hey i’ve noticed you’ve pulled back a bit, has anything changed recently?”
But i’d stop trying to persue unless she has a really good reason as to why she pulled back. But do you wanna be with someone who will play games, or with someone who will use their words?
Stop wasting your time and move onto the next person. There’s a point when it’s not worth investing time and resources into someone that can’t communicate.
If someone stops hitting me up I stop hitting them up
Well, maybe she is just an introvert or avoidant, but talking right about her exes sounds like she was looking for validation. Google how to date an introvert, and how to date an avoidant.
But what sparks an interest in them (I mean women) is when you do things they are not used to… It can start with interesting questions, nobody asked them before to start conversation and cannot be answered shortly, and need to be explained. Like tell me about your childhood (very personal), and then do not push, let them speak, show them their medicine, like “hmm, interesting, continue, I can relate.” Or try to find common interests, or universums she like – eg. Harry Potter – what Hogwarts house are you and why? What are your 3 favourite house works/animals/relaxation activities – why these?
Also, who planned activities for the dates? Let her come with something.
when someone goes from engaged to one-word answers, it’s not a puzzle you need to solve. That’s them showing you their level of investment. If you keep carrying the weight, you’ll just end up performing for scraps of attention while they drift further away.
The action plan here is simple. Stop over-functioning. Mirror her effort. If she gives you dry “lol” replies, don’t scramble to resuscitate it with a long message. Pull your energy back and let silence do its job. A person who’s genuinely interested will find a way to re-engage. A person who isn’t will fade, and that gives you clarity faster instead of keeping you stuck trying to carry dead weight.
Stop chasing her with filler conversation. Don’t send anything unless you actually want to, and if she responds with low energy, don’t force it. Redirect that time into approaching women in person or practicing real conversation flow where you’re not relying on someone who’s checked out. If you struggle with not over-investing, I’d recommend running reps on the SPIL app on iOS it’s literally built to get you out of the “carry the whole conversation” trap by training you to hold frame and build attraction without chasing.
Your problem isn’t conversation it’s that you’re trying to build with someone who’s already pulled the plug. Test her with space. If she shows up, fine. If not, you’ve freed yourself to put effort into women who actually want to be there.
Consider them uninterested and move on.
Has there been a date yet?
If you don’t want to always carry conversations then you should talk to people who will carry conversations
how did you respond to this “trauma dump”? were you engaging or understanding? were you interested in what she said and did you express yourself? i think i would withdraw if i felt i opened up to someone who was just indifferent about it. being that it’s so early on maybe she was just testing your reaction. either way, she felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable and tell you these things, so maybe you could be vulnerable enough to ask her about the perceived shift of energy and see what she says. worst she can say is she’s not feeling it anymore and then you’ve just saved yourself a bunch of time and energy.
Ew why would she respond that way lol why not just ask her?
You don’t proceed. Do not reward bad behavior, also do not give yourself anxiety for someone who doesn’t seem to be trying at all. You’ll just end up stressed out and they’ll be scared of the way you’re acting.
5 days in and she’s trauma dumping on exes….
That means you were nothing more than her dairy and she was hoping to get validation like some “you were right, they were wrong” bullshit. Kicker is, she’s the common denominator when It comes to her exes so she’s the problem and lacks self awareness.
Why in the world would you want to continue to engage with a girl like this?
Seems like she’s really not interested anymore tbh. Even if she is, do you really wand to pursue someone you have to pull teeth to converse with?
Listen to your friends and pull back. If you initiate and all you get is a response you can’t build on, don’t send another message!
You don’t initiate at all. You simply stay put and wait for them to reach out. I personally disengage very easily in situations like this, I lose interest immediately. At least that’s what I would do.
In your situation I would recommend you just move on to the next person. If you’re not enjoying the conversation, or they’re not matching your effort/energy, or it starts to feel like work/a chore, just move on. No need to force it. There are millions of people on these dating apps. It’s simply time to commit your energy and time elsewhere.