I could use some outside perspective on how to handle this without hurting anyone’s feelings.
I met a group of friends through my ex (we broke up badly, he cheated, and his childhood friend group cut him off but stayed close with me). I really enjoy hanging out with them, but two of them (a couple) keep trying to set me up with one of the guys in the group. Every time I’m at their place, they bring him up or tell me I should “just give him a chance.” And to make it more awkward, whenever I go over, it’s all couples… and then me and him.
On paper, he’s not a bad person. He’s kind, I’m sure he’d never cheat, and we can have conversations when we’re around each other. But the truth is, there are a lot of reasons it just wouldn’t work:
1. He’s politically conservative, I lean left. I work in public health/health equity, and conservative policies directly impact what I do. That’s not something I can just brush off.
2. He’s religious (goes to church every week), while I don’t believe in God and don’t want my kids baptized.
3. He’s obsessed with guns, and I don’t want them in my home, period.
4. He makes comments that lean into incel-y humor (about women, dating, hair, height, etc.), which makes me uncomfortable.
5. He’s openly said he isn’t into bigger women, and I’m a chubbier girl.
6. He doesn’t seem to have much ambition. He works at a pizza shop, constantly complains about being broke, lives in a house with six other guys because he can’t afford his own place, dropped out of college, and has no degree or real plans. Meanwhile, he talks about wanting a wife and kids but doesn’t have a way to support that future.
7. And tbh I’m just not physically attracted to him.
For context (not to brag, just to explain where I’m coming from) I have my bachelor’s, I’m looking into a master’s program, I work a solid remote job that lets me afford my own place, I volunteer weekly, I travel, and I’m ambitious about where my life is going. I want someone who’s also building something for themselves and not someone who needs me to “fix” or “soften” them. I don’t want to carry all of the burden.
When I’ve told my friends no before, their answers are always things like: “You could fix him,” or “He never had a good relationship with his mom, that’s probably why he talks about women the way he does,” or “He’s just a good guy who needs a nice girl to give him a chance.” They’ve even brought up that he’s a 29-year-old virgin, that his bitterness comes from lack of experience, and that if a woman was just sweet to him it would “100% change” his outlook, including his politics. Honestly, I don’t like the idea of being someone’s experiment or personality rehab project.
To make it worse, I’ve noticed a pattern that when I hang out with this couple alone, they’ll spring it on me that he’s coming over too. Then they’ll sometimes leave us alone for like 10 minutes, which makes me think they’re trying to force us to bond. And recently, they told me that even back when I was dating my ex (their close friend at the time), they would say to this guy, “It should be you dating her, not him.” That really rubbed me the wrong way.
I don’t want to dump all of this on them, he’s their childhood friend, and I don’t want to sound like I’m tearing him down. But I’m really uncomfortable with being pushed toward someone I have zero interest in.
How do I shut this down gracefully without damaging the friendships?