I met my GF when she was 29 and I was 36. We started as a casual situationship, and only became exclusive after several months (and some drama when I found out she was still dating because I hadn’t asked directly). We’ve now been together over 1.5 years.
She’s introverted, doesn’t really use or have social media (no Facebook, Insta, TikTok), but most of her friends are online. I’ve met my family with her, but she hasn’t introduced me to hers or many friends. When we first started dating friends and coworkers would sometimes joke that she’s not real because I couldn’t show people her profiles.
She’s structured and independent: gym at 5:30am, WFH 9–5, teaches fitness classes, book clubs (mostly online), hobbies like movies and roller skating. We see each other 2–4x/week, almost always at my house.
Marriage has come up. She says she’s open to it but doesn’t have a “dream wedding” and could honestly take or leave marriage if she never meets the right person. She’s skeptical of the wedding industry and doesn’t want a big event. At dinner with my family, when my sister brought up weddings, my GF made a comment that she was always told second weddings shouldn’t be big or that they’re tacky. It wasn’t malicious but my mom/sister thought it was odd since I’m the one who’s divorced (married in my 20s), and they wondered if she’d been married before (she hasn’t).
The current sticking point: her lease is ending. I own my home. She refuses to live together before marriage, saying she doesn’t want to do “trial wife duties,” worries about not having tenant rights, and notes it’s farther from her gym/studio. I feel like after a divorce, I don’t want to marry someone without living together first. I lived with my ex for 2 years before we got married.
I do love her and we get along really well, but I haven’t met many people in her life and she doesn’t seem eager to merge lives. Am I right to see this as fundamental incompatibility, or should I bend on cohabitation if I want marriage with her?
TL;DR: Been with GF 1.5 years. She’s private, introverted, hasn’t integrated me much into her life, and doesn’t want to live together until marriage. I feel strongly about living together first (especially after a divorce). Lease renewal is coming up and this feels like a dealbreaker.