My partner [F28] suffers from ME as well as quite deep mental health issues due to abusive parents – she also suspects ADHD / Austim.
She was very abusive towards me for the first 3 years of our relationship until her health basically took her strength to keep fighting, however throughout I maintained that I knew where it came from and saw past it and never once blamed her. I've since changed my point of view – I don't think she has any interest in making her own efforts to change. She simply bottles up the delusions she has created of me now and it's boiled into clear resentment because she won't do anything about them yet doesn't have the strength to be abusive anymore.
She just lays in bed with me working full time to fund our life and take care of her. I've now reached point of bitterness.
I have ADHD, I understand its hard – I never sleep well because of it, I'm always tired, and yet I get up and do things because it's life, you can't just expect someone to carry you around for your whole life.
I work with people with ME and Autism, they attend work events, do things with partners, go on holidays etc and have all agreed that "you just got to do it or it consumes you" (for clarity, I don't shit talk my partner – I've simply detailed her struggles as she has agreed is appropriate)
I spent 6 years homeless in my early 20s – I'm losing more and more years of my life but am completely held back. And yet despite saying that in the anonymity of reddit – I can't abandon her. She has no living family, she's found reasons to cut off her friends because she is so vindictive as to be incapable of forgiving someone simply forgetting to say "happy birthday" until a day later.
I saw her, real her when we started dating, before she sunk into her delusions, fears and paranoias. I loved that girl, but who she is now has taken her away. I love her, I want her to be okay, but she isn't 'her' anymore. And yet I have no way out beyond kicking her to the streets which I can't do having lived that life myself.
She is always the victim, but is actually incredibly strong, funny, talented, loving – she just won't let herself be those things. Everyone in her life tiptoed around her before she cut them out for the smallest 'disrespect'.
Sorry for turning into a rant.
TL:DR How do I leave someone I still care for but isn't who I fell in love with, who is physically and mentally ill, who is totally dependant on me with nowhere to go?
30 comments
You’ve gotta be upfront but not harsh. Tell her straight up that you care, but honestly, you need to take care of yourself too. It’s not selfish, it’s just survival. Nudge her toward getting some support, whether that’s therapy, friends, or a community group, so she’s not totally alone. And for the love of all that’s decent, don’t vanish or make it a shock. Set clear boundaries, have a plan, and don’t just stay out of guilt. You both deserve honesty, and yeah, you need to be able to breathe. All the best man
You’ll be amazed at how quickly she manages to take care of herself as soon as you stop propping her up.
Yea two things here. In the relationship you need to focus on you. It’s one thing to support a partner but your life sounds like a living hell.
You’d also be surprised how quickly she will sort herself out when you break up with her. It’ll probably be the making of her in truth. Then she will have no option but to reflect on her actions and life and change it. Or she doesn’t. But do you really want a life sentence of this? And I promise it’s probably only going to get worse mate.
My advice. Make an exit strategy. Research and find a new place to live, plan it all out, and then tell her and move out asap. It sounds rough but otherwise the time between your breaking up and separation (cohabiting) will be a living hell.
Good luck bro
Tell her flat out that she has one month to get out. Tell her you are *completely* done with zero chance of changing your mind, and hold firm.
If you’re feeling generous, you can look up a list of disability advocates and shelters nearby and send her the resources. They can help her find a place if she can’t sucker someone else in time.
The homeless experience is very different between genders. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a horrible thing for *anyone* to have to do even for a month, but there are a ton of advocacy groups and charities specifically for at-risk women and if she *wants* the help it’s there.
Crack heads still find a way to smoke crack. She can navigate it
You’re setting yourself on fire for a woman who would happily abuse you again if she had the strength. You aren’t being noble or self sacrificing, you’re just throwing your life away to be an enabler for an abuser.
You stop taking responsibility for her mental health. Maybe she takes responsibility for herself or maybe not, but you can’t do it for her.
You can set her up for a couple of months while she figures smth out. Let’s say, pay for a room in some pension or a shared apartment. While this might be not enough, it’s much more than what she deserves from you.
Yes, I get it, she has serious issues due to her upbringing but the bare truth is that plenty of ppl go through horrible things without ending themselves as the abusers. Either way, she’s not your responsibility and you are allowed to look to live your life without having to take care of someone that you need to tip toe around.
The guilt you feel is all in your head, it doesn’t exist. As harsh as it sounds you don’t owe her anything, she’s an adult and she needs to figure out things herself.
Is there anyway yo can get her on something like disability? Or something like it so she has some sort of income? Don’t give her an option. Tell her she is going on it (if it’s possible). Fill out the paperwork if you have to, but if I were you that is what I would be doing. If she has that, then she absolutely has a chance. It’s not much , but it’s something.
But you are absolutely not helping her by staying with her. Unless she has the mind of a very small child or suffers from such severe delusions she cant function at all, then she is capable of getting her shit together. If she is suffering from such delusions where she is truly incapable of working, then she is a good canidate foe some soet of social assitance.
Assuming ahe is stillable to function enough to use the bathroom, feed herself, take a shower and hold a coherent dicussion, then she can find her way. She will struggle, but it will give her survival skills. She is young. If she doesn’t learn them NOW, then she is well an rudely fucked when she is much older.
Putting aside the fact she is an abusive shit, you are seeing the struggle of loving someone unwilling to seek help. You either have to take full responsibliy for them, or let them go. YOU need to let her go.
You have done all you can. If she is in fact too delusional to work, too delusional to function, then you might have to call adult protective services an see what they can do for her.
If you can afford it do something like cash for keys. Meaning, give her a timeline to leave but also say you’ll give her X amount at the same time. But she doesn’t get the money until she leaves with all her belongings. Doesn’t have to be a lot- in the US maybe $1k or $2k.
Not up to you how she spends it- hotel room, Airbnb, deposit on an apartment, but then you are giving her a ramp period to get a job or secure a place to live and some money when she leaves.
Of course you shouldn’t have to give her money but it will alleviate your guilty conscience and it might make the transition smoother. You would probably make that money back in utilities or groceries within a month or two with not having to support her. It’s also the kinder thing to do with someone you’ve been with for your years.
Most abusers can keep it together at the beginning of a relationship and seem amazing for some period of time. Every abuser has a sob story and will make it seem like they’ve been mistreated by everyone they’ve ever known in an effort to avoid taking accountability for their actions. In some cases, there will be a long history of burned bridges in almost every arena of the abuser’s life, along with countless stories explaining that the abuser did nothing wrong, but if they did do something wrong, they were forced to do it or blacked out from trauma. The abuser may make their victim feel like they want to be the one person who doesn’t give up on the abuser, given the abuser’s claim that everyone else has. And having an amazing period of time at the beginning of the relationship that the victim is constantly working to get back to, sometimes for years, is a great way to keep them from leaving.
It breaks my heart that you’ve endured years of abuse in an effort to return to a period of time at the beginning of the relationship in which your partner was “being herself.” Your partner has shown you who she is for years now- anyone can be amazing when everything is going their way and everyone is agreeing with and coddling them. Someone who abuses people around them anytime the slightest thing goes wrong is not amazing. There is definitely at least one mental health condition that could be the behind your girlfriend’s personality and behaviors, but if that is the case it is her responsibility to recognize this and get help. It is not your responsibility to protect her from ever experiencing the natural and expected consequences of her actions.
Dependency exists on a spectrum, and in some cases is a choice. If your girlfriend’s health conditions limit her abilities, then she needs to look for work opportunities that fit her current level of functioning. I have patients who are chronically ill and homebound who do things like make designs and sell them on Redbubble/Etsy, find work from home positions that allow for a flexible schedule, house-sit, tutor students privately online, or even look up online certifications or degrees they can work toward to open up more opportunities. If she is truly incapable of anything, then she needs to have this diagnosed and assessed and start looking into disability. There are definitely people who claim to be incapable and repeatedly find partners willing to support them after the last partner gets sick of it, unfortunately.
You are not responsible for managing your girlfriend’s life, doing work for her, or making sure she has somewhere to live. That is her responsibility. You can give her fair warning, set a date she needs to be out, and hope for the best, but you always run the risk of her doing absolutely nothing while making emotional arguments and then accusing you of making her homeless at the end of the time period she had to prepare. You could easily get trapped in a situation like that for years.
If boundaries are set, they need to be upheld. If she refuses to leave, you may have to spend some money breaking your lease or moving out yourself. If you are in the US, she has lived with you for some time, and receives mail at the address, she has certain legal rights that keep you from being able to just kick her out. I would check into your state laws in regard to this. Overall, though, she’s never going to “go back” to being the version of her that you love without taking accountability and getting help. Even with this, therapy and meds can take years to work and require commitment and effort. If you try to break this up and she suddenly agrees to get help, keep that in mind- it’s not going to be something that is done in months. Many couples counselors won’t even agree to work with couples with an abuse history.
This is going to be extremely difficult, and you will be made to feel like a horrible person every step of the way. That is too be expected, and I would keep that in mind. But you can do this.
I work in mental health and see these kinds of relationships all the time and it is depressing as hell.
She is an anchor and she is sinking you, this is not a healthy relationship. She will be like this forever because she knows her nice partner will always support her.
You would be surprised how motivated and resourceful people can become when they have no other option.
Lmao ok dude seriously you are so delusional right now. Quite literally leave her. Pack your shit and go. Watch how quickly she figures things out for herself. You know why she doesn’t right now? Because she doesn’t have to! Grow a spine and get out! You really want to continue living like this for another 30-40 years? You are still so young with so much more life ahead of you and you are wasting it on *her*. Fuck sake.
No excuse for abuse, period. There can be a reason, but a reason is not an excuse. She was mean to you on purpose and you dealt with it because you “knew where it came from”? It came from her. Not her parents or her childhood. Her. She’s not nice you still even though she relies on you for absolutely everything. She feels entitled to that, why?
You have to leave this girl. This is a toxic situation for you and for her too actually – her life sounds like one long waste of time. And you’re being run into the ground keeping this shitshow on the road.
It does sound like you will be literally tortured by casting her out on the street with nothing so make it clear: she has a month, and then you’re breaking the lease/moving out/she’s moving out/whatever. In that month, say you will help her look for a job and whatever you normally spend on her upkeep she can have when that month is up. Make it clear you are as serious as a heart attack – she has a month to figure it out with your help. Not to improve her life to be with you better, but to get her gone. If she does nothing then you can sleep easy and look at yourself in the mirror everyday knowing that you didn’t “abandon” her, you gave her a five minute warning and money in her pocket to *go*.
For people saying “just kick her out with nothing” – you’ve clearly never been in this situation. You’re not doing it for them. You’re doing it for yourself. So you can lay in your bed with your conscience clear, and if anything happens to them you’re not TORTURED with “what if I’d just given them $100 for somewhere to go” or whatever. You’re buying your own peace of mind. Trust me when I tell you – it’s cheap at twice the price.
If she shapes up and ships out and you’re devastated about what that implies, don’t be. You did everything you were supposed to do. You just got sucked in with a vampire, and the more ok she is the more free YOU finally are. You WANT her to figure some other bullshit situation out. Anything that gets this malevolent force out of your orbit.
You’re SO young. This is no life. Onwards and upwards. Do it right, do it in a way you can respect yourself, and once it’s done, never think about it or her again.
This relationship sounds super codependent. She’s not your responsibility OP, so feel free to end the relationship and let her figure out how to take care of herself.
Also, I mean this from a place of support and apologize if it comes off as blaming, that’s not my intent. Please look into a therapist for yourself – mentally healthy people don’t tend to tolerate mistreatment or stay in situations like this. It would help you in future relationships to gain some awareness of your role in this and why you chose to stay for so long.
Do you rent or own your place? If you rent, you can just leave. Tell her it’s not working out, give her 30 days to find a job to pay the bills, and after 30 days, whether she has a job or not, just go.
In those 30 days, to not be an a-hole, help her find a job, a roommate and make sure she has everything she needs to survive. If she refuses to do so, just leave. She isn’t going to change.
If you own your home, you can give her those same 30 days, PUT IT IN WRITING, and mail it to her certified mail. You can do the whole 30 days help thing, and if she hasn’t left, you’ll have to have her evicted. OR you can just toss her stuff out and change the locks. Up to you.
You GF is a leech and has you brainwashed so well that you can’t see that what she is doing is abuse. People like her seek out people like you that they can manipulate and control. She has you on a leash. If you don’t act now, she will drag you down with her.
it’s probably in your best interest to begin researching and compiling resources both for yourself and for her.
you need to protect yourself legally, financially, and emotionally from her. tenants rights re:eviction, legal preparation (if she is able/likely to attack you in any way, documentation of her past behavior may be a good idea) mental health support for you if you can find it. if you’re in contact with any of her medical team, they may be able to connect you with a social worker or organization that can provide support for her. she may qualify for disability or other government services.
you’ll have to decide how and when to tell her it’s over and how involved you can be with her after you end the relationship. think about how she might react and consider being prepared with contact information for local crisis teams. give clear expectations and boundaries and stick to them – having friends or a therapist on your side will help.
it’s awful that she is suffering so much but you don’t have to continue to live in her misery forever. and it might continue to suck for a while but it’s never going to get better for you if you stay. whether it gets better for her isn’t up to you, it’s up to her and how she chooses to handle the situation.
She was fine before she met you and will be fine after you.
None of that is your problem. She can figure it out
I’d tell her she has 4-6 weeks to figure out other living arrangements. Make sure she knows there is no changing your mind because you don’t want her spending the next several weeks figuring out ways to manipulate you into letting her stay. She’ll either start looking for a job or she’ll start looking for someone else to manipulate and that right there should tell you all you need to know about her. Good luck!
Where she goes or how she supports herself after you break up is no concern of yours. She abused you, repeatedly and is continuing to do so by just sitting in bed all day. You deserve better.
Are you afraid she will die or something if you kick her out? Like the reason for not kicking her out is for your comfort because you’re afraid of something bad happens and you will feel responsible? If it’s that, set her up for a few weeks in a long-term hotel or something and give her a list of shelters and resources. Change the locks and do not let her back in, and do NOT get her pregnant.
What would you tell your child to do? Would you tell them to stay with an abusive leech because the abusive leech has no one else to leech from?
She’ll figure it out. That’s not the hard part. The hard part is you going to therapy to get through the emotional trauma of this all.
With respect, the girl you met and dated in the beginning was the mask. She was coping well enough to put on a happy face.
When she decided you were serious and wouldn’t leave, that’s when she showed her real self. Ask yourself why everyone abandons her after they get to know her. That’s her real face.
You do not owe anything to someone who has been abusive to you. They lose any right to your compassion the moment they do it. Are there any social programs like housing for women that could help keep her from the streets?
You are right that you should not be limiting your life because of someone you do not want to share said life with anymore.
Hell, I never want to live with anyone because I am disabled, I live in a somewhat nice studio apartment whose rent the amount allowed by social welfare covers completely because I have been living in it for 14 years and haven’t had an increase in rent since I moved in, and I don’t want someone I love to ever be in the position you’re in and want to break up with me but be scared of what will become of me and of the life that awaits me without them.
That being said:
I just want to point out that just because some people with certain disabling conditions can and do work, in the case of autism at least, not everyone is affected by it in the same ways, and not everyone can and does benefit from “just doing it”. I know that firsthand, and it really pisses me off to see that rhetoric used by someone working with people on the spectrum, because it’s that rhetoric that literally destroyed my health to such extreme degrees it seems fake when I talk about them. It’s highly harmful and ableist.
I invite you to check out r/Autisminwomen and r/AutismTranslated if you want to read the multiple threads about autistic burnout from people who highly disagree that not going to work events, holidays and so on are things you need to just do or they consume you.
A few years ago me 28 her 30, she was incredibly dependent on me. I worked full time, fell in love, she was lovely at first.
Because she claimed benefits for anxiety and “couldn’t work due to a back injury”, me being the biggest earner I came the biggest contributer to expenses.
She supported me dearly, very affectionate, would have fabulous days out together.
As time went on though, it started to feel like I was doing a lot more, the housework, the cooking, going to work, paying the rent, buying the food etc.
She would be out hours over a friend’s house.
I then got ill with inflammatory bowel disease, things greatly changed from this point onwards as I was home constantly due to recovering from an emergency operation and ongoing health issues.
One day I was particularly struggling doing the house work and she came in saying she was overdrawn can I lend her money, I said what for and she said tobacco. Needless to say she was going through 50g a day over her friends as she would let them use her tobacco. I hit the roof.
As the weeks went on she even started accusing me of talking to other women, secretly seeing people etc when I was held up at home with a huge open wound from surgery. She blamed it on her insecurities….
I was out of work long enough to run out of full sick pay and went onto statutory so I was good £1000 worse off per month and I was chewing into my savings to pay for everything.
She said to me i was overdrawn again despite being paid her disability a few days prior, I went insane, challenged her and found and was online gambling and most of her transactions were cash, I challenged this and she admitted nothing. I found out by her friends that said I need to try weed for my pain, a few minutes of conversation later I found and was smoking weed too and that’s why she was there for hours and hours per day. She went insane on me for challenging her, hit me, accused me of being controlling etc
When things got towards the end I was depressed, and had enough, we had no food in the cupboard, electric was beeping low credit, I was in the house on my own and she was up her friends smoking weed.
I tried to have it out with her that things need to change and I’m not standing for it any more if you love me you’ll help me. She told me to leave and I found myself homeless. With 2 days she got with a guy recently out of prison.
I was in tears that she had no respect no consideration and no empathy for me. She accused me of abusing her. Last time I saw her she assaulted be my scalding at a mutual friends house exchanging possessions. I had 2 of her exes message me afterwards saying she did the same to them once they stopped providing and had to get restraining orders. I had a sit down chat then with her mum after she pleaded with me not to press charges and she blamed her daughter behavior on being in care, and undiagnosed autism. I didn’t drop charges though.
I was scrolling through Facebook and after 7 years I had a glimpse of her on a community page. I clicked the name and went through her profile and she’s now working and very social, very independent.
I ended up finding a partner after a lot of healing that genuinely loves me and respects me. We share everything as a team and contribute as a team. It wasn’t until I met her did I realize how toxic my ex is.
Dont take pitty and don’t put up with it, it will destroy you mentally and shows how little respect you have for yourself. I was the mug that did put up with it and the respect wasn’t returned. It nearly killed me and I needed a lot of healing .
Short story is: she was using men to provide a lifestyle, once that lifestyle wasn’t provided she kicked me out and found another guy with days, once the split up and the money run out she got a job and is fully independent now. She took me for a mug.
Edit: please excuse typos I’m currently on a different planet on strong drugs in hospital from a severe ibd flare. Will correct later when not spaced out.
You’re playing the enabler in the drama triangle, as like you said – she’s always playing the victim. Remove yourself with truth to yourself. She’s an adult who can figure it out herself
There’s a reason she’s isolated so many people from her life. Abusers have a way of charming folks and making them believe they’re incredible people that you can’t live without. They also will manipulate you into thinking you have to care for them, especially if you’re someone with a big heart. Codependence is common in relationships like these, look it up. I have a friend who has a huge heart and fell for someone like this, and he couldn’t bring himself to break up because his partner was so dependent on him. He finally, with help from his friends, managed to break up. His ex was fine; he found a place to live quickly.
You’re not responsible for her well-being. It sucks when you care for someone and see the potential behind the abuse. And mental/physical disabilities are difficult to live with. But your happiness and well-being should never be a sacrifice. She will likely find support after you end things. Those kinds of people often do.
It is very difficult to end a codependent relationship, especially when you have a good heart. Try to push through it. Your love should be given to someone who appreciates it. You are supposed to receive care too!