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Got coffee with a friend recently, and she was talking about some upcoming travel, and casually mentioned “If you lived in Philadelphia, you’d have a boyfriend or girlfriend tomorrow if you wanted.”
She said it so matter-of-factly, it’s just been bouncing around in my head ever since. I don’t want to live in a big city, really, I like my little mid-sized city corner of the world. But have I just been looking for love on hard mode? Does location (beyond just “not a small town”) really make that much of a difference?
My GF and I have been dating for about a year, and we keep running into a recurring issue. Sometimes I feel tired or have off days where I don’t feel like I can match her energy. We’ll end up doing something together whether it be hanging out, or going out to eat, and I don’t even realize it in the moment but maybe I am less talkative than usual or I’m distracted from being stressed out from work or other things going on in my life.
Then she will pull away from me and not really be herself for a while, and I can definitely tell something is off based on the way she acts towards me (less affectionate, talkative etc.) Eventually one of us will broach the subject and she’ll tell me her feelings were hurt because I pulled away initially.
The problem is I don’t even realize I am “pulling away” in the moment, and we both have completely different recollections of how things go when that happens.
For instance yesterday we went out and got lunch together, and I remember it as a nice lunch outing we had where we got yummy food and brought it back home and ate it. I remember having on my mind how I had to hurry and rush in the morning to get an errand done and how I had to log onto work soon after, which was kind of stressing me out that day.
However, from her POV, she felt as though I wasn’t matching her energy and that hurt her feelings and then she in turn pulled away from me for a day.
I tried asking for specifics as to what I am particularly doing but she doesn’t want to tell me that because she would be acting as my “mom” telling me how to behave, which is fair I think, but leaves me in a position where it’s tough for me to change anything. She did mention at one point she went to talk to me when we were in line and I had been checking my phone and that bothered her.
One major point that we’ve both noticed is that I am much busier than she is. Because of the way her schooling program is run she basically has no commitments or work. Maybe 4 days a week she has to go in for 2 hours to “show face” for her schooling program then she’d done for the day. I work ~45 hours a week typically and am pretty stressed out from my job, have family commitments, commitments with friends, and extracurriculars that I do that keep me happy and fulfilled but are nonetheless draining. She does join me in some of those activities but for the most part she has way more free time than I do, doesn’t have a large circle of friends, not close with family, and so she can “recharge” a lot more than I can.
Does anyone have any advice for us?
Fishing for opinions-
When do you move in together? Like is it a timeline thing?
I have the ability to leave whenever I want if I move in. My mom lives near me and I could stay with her until I figure out a plan.
We’ve been together 7 months. My work is pretty far from his house and I can’t just find a new job and quit because I work in education and if I break contract they can keep my license for 12 months. Plus it’s a HUGE blemish on your record.
So ideally I need to figure out if I can handle the commute before summer if I’m moving in. Ideally I’d not like to quit my job and find a new one with the current shitshow that’s happening in education. Therefore I feel like January is a good time? But idk. Changing things makes me nervous.
And him moving isn’t an option for a lot of reasons. I also really like where he lives.
I had been extremely stressed and anxious about an event coming up on the 19th, but coming back here has been lovely.
It’s a space where I feel valued, and where people can kinda see the real me. I’m not 100% sure how I present in person – I cannot see outside myself – but I imagine I come off as expressionless, weird, and perhaps a little angry. In truth, my mind is processing a million things at once, and making an effort to appear warm and agreeable is… Perhaps not a priority.
Inwardly, I am quite kind. Stable. A true romantic. Someone who always tries to see both the value in people and things, and the ways in which they can be better – in a constructive manner. But what – shall I wear a T-shirt saying I am these things?
I have made friends here, from people who have wound up in my DMs. Genuine friends, people I respect deeply and would love to continue bantering with. People who welcome my presence and make me feel seen. 🥹
But I also wish I knew how to translate that into the real world. Here, we overlook social graces and go straight to the meat and potatoes of the mind. We don’t dismiss or assess people based on their looks or expressions; it’s a pure connection of mental data. So in a way, I thrive here. I feel valued. But how do I translate that into real life? When people get to know me, they seem to appreciate me – but few get to know me.
Therein lies the paradox.
Why am I still single? I’m a super active hottie now. This shit sucks.
I’m not sure if this has been asked before, but I thought I’d ask anyways (and there’s a bit of a vent)
So I just came out of probably my first serious relationship. She had moved in with me and left just under 2 years later after sleeping with 3 other men, including her driving instructor.
But this isn’t a breakup post. This is a post just asking for what’s next. Im autistic, estranged from family, went through foster homes. I had no support or relationships were always in the rear seat. I was just surviving.
After splitting, I feel like I’m behind on life by some mile. No house, no car, no savings, limited friends. I started therapy and reaching out to new groups, just signed up to a gym, got an allotment and learning to maintain myself properly (I didn’t have the money/skills to self care, like even feed myself well)
But my question is, who else started late with the dating thing, and found some success? I’ve been alone most of my life, and would like to know that it’s possible to start late at 40
I registered for a speed dating event put on by a cool group in my city. I have been to some of their other events and saw the post, so I registered right away. They’re a really dope project that runs very fun events for primarily BIPOC audiences in the small city I live in, and I’ve chatted with them at their programs and try to send people to their events when I can. They used IG (they already followed me) to decide who could participate, and I’ve not heard anything from them since registering, so I guess I didn’t get in. I’m traveling for work most of the week, anyway, so it’s for the best, but I do feel a bit defeated, especially considering I know them and my IG has the best photos of me. I still plan to register for other speed dating events they put on in the future, but damn.
Trying to level up my appearance so I actually match is so much work.
So I posted last night about finding out the girl I’ve been seeing 3 months went on a weekend trip with some other girl (who I think she just met this month). I found out by looking at her IG story with another profile (she’d blocked my main account from seeing it). I messaged her this morning asking for clarity, not accusatory and not mentioning I knew what she was up to. I want to understand the trigger for this silent period, when we’d never had that. I think I know the reason, doesn’t justify what she’s doing but I’d like to understand. We’ll see if she even replies. Maybe I’m a clown for still caring to understand her rather than just let her go 🤡
I know I shouldn’t care, but I wish I were attractive
Dating is so hard when you are not the “ideal” woman. And I’m nonbinary, but perceived as a woman. I am not thin and my face is too fat. I see what men want; those faces with the plumped lips and the defined cheekbones, with skinny everything. I do not get hit on or flirted with. When I use the dating apps I swipe right on all kinds of guys, and I rarely get a match who will reply. I have been on dates, but not a single one has led to a relationship. I was just ghosted yet again after a second date. It takes a little bit more out of me every time this happens. I am at a loss for how to meet people organically. I have my friends whom I hang out with, and then I have the places I frequent. But nobody approaches me. I looked for advice in one of the men’s advice subs to see what kind of places I can go to meet men organically, since the apps don’t work, and they were so mean. They went to my profile and saw my selfies and saw my old posts about having PCOS and CPTSD and called me ugly. Granted, there were a couple nice comments with actual advice. But overall it was a terrible experience and I deleted the post.
I am just tired of first dates. I am tired of pursuing people only to be rejected or ghosted. I will take a break. But the thing is — I want to meet someone. I want to get married someday and have a family of my own. I am just tired right now. And disappointed. I don’t know if I am looking for advice or just kind words.
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I don’t like to be pressured to exclusively “get to know” someone early on (like after 1-2 dates). Because I’m prone to anxiety in relationships, I think it’s probably *better* to diversify and focus on dating/getting to know different people in the early stages. I also kind of think it makes for low-effort investment. You’re not trying as hard because you have no competition.
I (34F) like slightly nerdy, well educated guys (like academics or similar) who are a bit more introverted. Can anyone suggest where I can meet these types of people? I feel like dating apps have a lot of people who are very active and go to the gym which is not really my vibe.