My husband and I have had two major fights in the last two weeks over political beliefs. Both times, he's insinuated "it's over". Once he told me it was a sign that it wasn't working and today he told me not to come home, but later walked it back. We have two children (13&10 yo) and have been married over 20 years. Obviously, we've made it this far through tough times, and it's crazy to me that we're falling apart over something so irrelevant to our daily lives.
We're a great team and have accomplished much, establishing a family, a business, a financial future…but we cannot navigate any convo of politics, politicians, or current events without blowing up.
We've discussed never bringing up potentially incendiary topics, but now we can't even discuss the current president. For example, I tried to show him the trump birthday card to Epstein. He said I was baiting him and sabotaging the agreement to not discuss politics. I don't think this is political, but could be convinced otherwise.
Today, he brought up DEI (for unknown reasons.). I took the bait and realized I was getting emotional. So I tried to walk away. He said that "I had to get the last word and walked away to win", rather than avoid the conflict which was my intention that I thought I properly communicated.
We disagree on DEI and Trump and all things MAGA. I don't know how we got this far without knowing how different we were, or maybe I've overlooked/ignored it. But I don't know how to move forward.
I don't want to divorce bc my parents divorced and it really messed up my childhood and impacted my entire life forward. I also don't want my daughter to think I'm complicit in anti feminist notions. I don't want my son to grow up a MAGA. but dad will always be an influence regardless of where we got from here.
I'm probably getting a hotel tonight and will look into couples therapy, but I'm wondering if anyone else is in a similar relationship and how do you navigate?
Thank you for your advice
33 comments
You have completely different morals. Take the kids and go.
This is an absolute deal breaker. Would you rather your kids deal with the divorce or a father who preaches hate to them? This isn’t just something irrelevant to your daily lives, because those political policies directly affect women every single day.
How have you been married to this manbaby for 20 years and not known this about him?
I’m sorry, did you say your husband told you he wanted to end the marriage? Twice?
Did I read that right?
Everything is political in today’s society, because one side decided that HUMAN rights are political. So nobody cannot say they arent, or do not pay attention to current events, because EVERYTHING is political to be able to ignore means privilege and acceptance.
You know what messed up my childhood? My parents not divorcing, staying married, and having me and my siblings live through their farce of a marriage. We had to hear them argue and fight, and it might have been better. I hate it when people don’t want to get divorced for the kids. That only works if the parents can remain civil and coparent well. Which clearly you can’t. Financial dependence, being unable to leave and take care of the kids is the only other reason that makes sense.
What many maga do not seem to understand is that this is not about politics, but about morals. We can disagree about what rights undocumented immigrants should have, and still live in harmony. We can disagree on military spending, and still live in harmony. We can even disagree if manufacturing should be farmed out or brought back here and still live in harmony.
But when a bully that is also a convicted felon is in charge of all things America,.it is now a difference of morals. When the president of the US will lie, cheat, and steal to get his way, it is now a difference of morals. When a tactless and tacky person is ruining our goodwill with the world, it is now a difference of morals. And when people we thought were reasonable and common sensical believes the lies and hide their head in the sand about the crimes, corruption, and loss of freedoms, it is now a difference of morals.
You and your husband are now drifting apart because of politics. You are drifting apart because he is willing to live moral free for the promise of benefits to him that will hurt other people, and will never come.
I knew before you specified it that he was the republican in the family. You’re gonna have to have a serious discussion with him because to be honest he’s the problem and seems to be the one who refuses to listen or give away
My husband only had to tell me once. He moved out for 6 months and then he realized he made a mistake. 😂
You two are morally and ethically incompatible. Its not going to work out. Its not like he’s suddenly changed, he’s always been like this. I’m shocked you dated, married, and stayed with someone for 20 years who is so different from you.
Yes, take your kids to the hotel this weekend. Call a divorce attorney on Monday.
Dump him
He has repeatedly said he’s done and is leaving then maybe you should take him out his word. Talk to a lawyer and find out what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids. Relationships have a beginning a middle and an end. If you are having these kinds of disagreements over politics, and they are becoming more frequent. Maybe it is time to end it. You do not need to tell him his way of thinking is wrong, just that you disagree. People can have disagreements it’s OK. But if it’s impacting your relationship, it’s time to go.
Well, I think that you’re learning that your teammate is not teachable or open to new ideas that you’re not further bolster and support the perspective they have. You’re also discovering that you’re married to somebody who would default to bigotry and conformity rather than seeking understanding.
What I would get more focused on, is what your children understand, view, and align with morally. **Not around a party or candidate, but around the morals and values you would like instilled into them as they grow up, and the way that you would like them to approach the world and the hardships they may face.** *This is the time to learn those lessons, and I do wonder what they are learning here?*
Regardless of whose side I’m on politically, we both know that bringing up the b-day card is an opening gambit into politics.
I don’t know if your relationship can survive because things are getting worse politically in the US and it doesn’t sound like you are willing to remove it from your marital life – if that’s even possible.
Maybe therapy helps you & your husband manage these choppy seas … but maybe it makes you realize that the only way to keep going? Is separately.
*It’s not irrelevant.*
You’re taking about raising children with a fascist. That’s not good.
There are no “sides” anymore. There’s you and me, who are thoughtful and intelligent. Then there’s MAGAts, who are in a cult.
I don’t think you can change him, and you should not live with that, and neither should your kids.
I see everyone saying to get divorced. You need to prepare to do that by talking to an attorney and separating some of your finances so you can stand on your own.
I honestly don’t understand why this is even a question. This is not a slight disagreement about which policy approach is best to tackle societal problems, it’s an enormous difference in values and world view. I don’t understand how you don’t think this is relevant to your lives.
That and your husband threatens to leave you and seems to treat fights as some kind of point-scoring exercise, from the way you’ve described it. That’s not a healthy relationship and you can’t make it one on your own.
Sorry, we lost our best friends of many years over MAGA. They became completely obsessed with every word from Trump, completely irrational from our point of view. When we’d stop by their house Fox News was always on and loud. We had spent so much time together we thought we knew them. Losing friends to a cult isn’t like losing a husband but it still hurt.
Politics is not insignificant, it’s actually quite relevant.
Your husband’s “values” are vile and they represent a lack of compassion, tolerance and understanding for any other point of view.
Yes, this is a very legitimate reason for divorce because your husband has proven that deep down, he’s just not decent.
Divorce isn’t what messed up your childhood. I can almost guarantee – as someone who wished for their parents to divorce at 10 and didn’t get my wish for another 7 years – I would have been better off if they’d done it sooner, no question.
Don’t ever stay together “for the kids”. That’s just an excuse.
Do you really think divorcing is going to screw your kids up worse than continuing to be married to this person and setting that example instead? Imagine your kids growing up and doing the same thing, or treating their partners this way, or having these values that your husband has. Imagine if they grew up and fell in love with someone from another culture or faith, or of the same gender. If you want to do what’s best for your kids, do what’s best for you. This person is not a partner. And he has told you he wants to leave.
You will both be happier apart.
He’s MAGA, but wants to end the marriage? Where’s his traditional family values?
Being married sounds like a nightmare of walking on political eggshells
Might want to take a look over in r/QAnoncasualties
You’re separating because of a difference of values.* you should call it what it is. Because that’s what it is when you strip away all of it. It takes a lot of the seriousness away from the situation. I think when you call it politics because it gives people some kind of leeway to distract away from the fact that some people have values that don’t work together. It’s a matter of what you feel is right and wrong. I believe it’s cruel to do most of the things that MAGA supports and does. It’s only something a bully would do. And if you feel similar, then it’s not about politics at all. I just don’t agree with the cruelty.
Living with parents in this kind of relationship is going to screw up your kids. Cut your losses.
If he mentioned, twice, that he wants a divorce, tell him, “You know, that’s a good idea. Let’s get the process started.” I know you come from a divorced family but separating now is better than constant squabbling, and in today’s political climate, you’ll never have a “meeting of the minds.” He’s joined a cult and that’s all there is to it.
Couples therapy is a must right now.
But if the two of you can’t agree that a child molester shouldn’t be given power , there isn’t much hope.
However!
As for couples therapy, as a stall tactic.
In the meantime, see if you can get on his phone and start blocking some of the most extreme creators on social media. After a week or two, like a few more moderate voices.
Those that have started to turn away from the orange man.
Search for what happened in Napal, how they overturned a corrupt government.
See if you can get him out of the hate spiral.
After that, therapy might have a chance of working.
Politics aside this guy sounds like a jerk. It’s not normal to say you want to divorce someone in an argument
I can’t imagine this situation! When folks go MAGA they go nuts. It’s no wonder people call it a cult. The more you try to show them what it is, the deeper they dig.
You obviously have a lot to lose because you have invested a lot but at the same time the situation is not healthy. I wouldn’t know what to do.
As an aside, I wonder how many marriages will end up destroyed by not agreeing. In a few years Trump will be dead. I can imagine all the old white dudes crying about how they are alone in their old age after divorcing their wives over Trump.
Do couples therapy, but it sounds like you’re at the point that you just don’t like each other.
Not talking politics with your partner in life just doesn’t work. For me, I just could never respect a MAGA as a person, much less partner with them. This is why I tell new couples do premarital counseling. Finding out this stuff in year 20 is just crazy.
You have blinders on, OP. Your red-pill popping partner is willing to sacrifice you and your marriage and fatherhood for the motherland – you had better get to an attorney and quick.
I think growing up watching your parents have nuclear fights and be passive aggressive amd generally dysfunctional is far more damaging than divorcing and co-parenting in a more civil fashion. Not saying you do any of those necessarily but sometimes a hard decision like divorce is healthier overall, even if it doesn’t feel that way at the time.