(Context: I’m 26F, only had one relationship years ago that wasn’t healthy in the slightest (coerced into sex multiple times, thought that was the norm), so I don’t have much experience with healthy sex, nor do I have good role models growing up of what healthy relationships were supposed to look like. Now 6 years later I’m finally starting to consider even the slightest whiff of dating again, but I still have a lot of questions and worries so I thought to ask here!)
okay so these are things I’m curious about when it comes to intimacy. apologies in advance for the long post!!🫶
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I think most of the thrill of being with someone for me seems to come from the freedom of being perhaps a little unpredictable and fully independent. Which in turn, when locked in an apartment or room together, sharing finances and decision making and whatnot, it means that the pleasure kind of disappears for me. especially if it’s confirmed that we like each other and are comfortable around each other and have had sex before. It feels predictable and boring, and like we’ve already peaked. I don’t know if this is healthy, but the unpredictability is part of what makes me excited. Did anyone feel this way and how did you remain satisfied throughout the relationship even after you’ve gained a sense of stability and predictability?
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Dirty talk: this one might sound silly but does it ever feel fake or generic? Like when someone says “good girl/boy” or “you’re perfect for me” etc do you ever think about how that would sound later if you broke up, or is that just overthinking and catastrophising lol?
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Touch that isn’t sex: How do you explore touch and build tension without it always having to escalate to sex? For example, I’d love to do something like lightly tickle or touch someone just to notice their body’s reactions, or have them do the same to me. but as a whole activity in itself, not something that has to end in penetration. How would I communicate that and how likely is it to find someone who’s willing to slow down to participate in things like this? I have the assumption that most guys especially around my age might just be after penetration and getting there as quickly as possible.
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Kissing: My first kiss felt magical because it confirmed someone liked me (again, the unpredictability was the base of what excited me there too). But afterwards, kissing often felt bland, mechanical, and way too expected or even obligatory after a certain amount of time. It became more of an opt out approach. so much that I’d want to pull away and honestly started dreading it. How do you keep kissing special and not let it lose its magic in a relationship? Is it about not doing it every single time you see each other? How do you communicate this without it making your partner feel undesired lol.
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Avoiding the obligatory sex trap: Once you’ve had sex with someone, how do you keep it from becoming an expectation, like “we unlocked this now so it’s just part of the expected routine”? How do you make it stay genuinely thrilling novelty instead of feeling like a chore to just get biological urges met? I know not everyone feels this way but I’d love it if people who understand where I’m coming from chime in!
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Like i said, attraction for me depends on independence. In my past relationship, it genuinely felt like we were fused together and that suffocation is something I’d never want to experience again. It would totally kill any attraction I have to someone. I think I’d need space (maybe even living separately) to keep attraction alive but I’m not sure if that’s actually realistic given how many guys want to live with their gfs/wives. How do people in long-term relationships balance living together with independence so you don’t feel suffocated? I come from a somewhat enmeshed family and my last relationship was genuinely so suffocating I fear falling into these situations again.
I’d love to hear from more seasoned sex havers lol as I feel a bit scared about re-entering the dating/sex scene, so any perspectives are welcome!!
Thanks in advance!