Men over 30, when did you feel like you finally started living for yourself and not everyone else?
September 13, 2025
Was it like a slow realization or did something specific flip the switch?
32 comments
41 soon, sorry, hasn’t happened yet.
Never have. To me, being married and having kids means my life is forfeited for the betterment of my wife’s and children’s lives
I have kids, so I’m living for them, but I’m doing my own thing now aside from that. Started kinda slowly but all of a sudden. Divorce will do that to you lol.
Like a whole 2 months ago at 31 lol
Probably around the 15th overdraft at Washington Mutual. But in all reality, I was born a square in a circle life, so it’s not like I’ve had a choice.
I have a wife with a physical condition and a kid. I don’t think that day will ever come. Most days I’m okay with that.
I think I know what you’re getting at — living by your own expectations rather than others’. Around 30 or 31 was when I started to feel like I could be the person I wanted to be rather than some archetype
I had built in my head.
I’m 41 now and I do not really live for myself, however. I live for my family. But that I think is more fulfilling than the alternative.
I’m 32. Made the mistake of marrying without being sure, just because we had been dating for 3 years and she pressured me hard for it. In fact, she almost always made me do her bidding through crying throughout the relationship. Now I feel like I’m providing for her life. I have no life of my own. I should have known. I have a few plans to escape if the situation doesn’t improve. I’ll see you guys at other side.
I always felt like I had to please my father all of my life. Maybe I attracted a familiar partner. What a strange realization.
36 – Started putting up boundries and telling people no, I only have so much time and I’m done wasting it, more like a switch. It usually triggers when your out doing something when you really should have said no. You had other things you should be focusing on but you wanted to be nice to try to hold to many friendships together. Then you wake up exhausted one morning and realize.. damn I’m spread to thin.. so you start focusing on projects you need to at home/work etc. Only say yes to things when you have TIME. Also no more putting up with partners who do bare minimum and use you as a bank account 😛 (I had a phase lol).
Its not really about turning anything on and off or some magical switch.. its just whats your tolerance limit for constantly doing things, like hanging out with all those friends or doing them favors (Edit: ill specify, when you don’t have time)? and for what? to keep the stress going? what if they stop liking you? good I’m exhausted…go away lol
Edit: Its not even just friends, family, extra projects for coworkers, you name the scenario, just say… no if you don’t want to do something… unless its pay taxes.. please pay your taxes 🙂
I’ll let you know when I get there
33 was the age I broke out of my shell
I started at 25. It’s been 30 years of continuous work, but each step created more room. I really hit it at 50. It will not happen all at once, and I suggest that as you go along, don’t criticize yourself for not realizing certain things earlier. Take them when they arrive and keep moving through.
Part of being a man is responsibility for those around you. So I don’t think you start living for yourself exactly.
I started to become more confident in making decisions for my own health and mentals when I got into my early 30s. More confidence in my self in general. Instead of not giving a fuck about others, I’ve learned to care deeply for others but see myself as comfortable and fulfilled in my own roles in life.
23 was about when my confidence started rising. I’m 33 and it’s the highest it’s ever been. I do live for my family though rn. My wife and dogs. Who do you mean by everyone else? Like your post nuclear family?
1.5 months ago exactly. Had a catalyst that broke my heart – and well I turned it into a ‘me moment’. Learning to live grounded. Finding my true self. And now I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been for no one but MYSELF. Also new season of me as well. I just go and do things and if people want to come they can meet me there – otherwise I’m going by myself.
It’s been mind and game changing. It took me 20+ years to realize I had stopped living for me – and was being performative for everyone else.
I feel like it’s the opposite timeline. I lived for myself from when I was a teenager until around 30 when my relationship became serious and I was part of a couple that planned for the future together.
Now as a dad, I live as part of a family and make decisions with my wife as part of a family unit. It’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean I’ve sacrificed doing everything that just benefits me or that I love, it just means my decisions now take into account the other people I love as well.
I’ve been single all my life so I’ve never felt like I was living for anyone else. For the last decade or so, I’ve just felt that I’ve been living in stagnation. A meaningless life and I really have no idea what to do about it.
Getting there, now, at 36. Had a long marriage that was not fulfilling but I didn’t know any better, it was my first relationship. I expect that most people enter into marriage and kids around the time they are getting financially secure and just as they’re becoming their own person. Having a family is the only lifestyle that’s been modeled for them, so they don’t consider the alternative to be possible. I think its pretty frowned upon in our society to live alone and do whatever you want over 30. I like to travel a lot and I travel for work, I also like to participate in nightlife. But I have a fear of how I’m seen in society if I’m alone, and what my life will look like if I’m alone and elderly. Those are the fears that make me hold on to relationships that maybe aren’t meant for me.
Afyer my divorce dude
Nearly 50 and my kid is in University and I have other things and people to take care of as well, living for myself is taking care of my kid and my family and that is good enough for me 🙂
39 still living for others
Wife and kids, I don’t have my own life. It’s work, chores, sleep, repeat. Even on the weekends, some of them I have to work, and the chores just pile up. Wife has a low paying job that is also very demanding (teacher), so that even manages to eat into my time.
For me, maturing isn’t about rejecting responsibility to others—it’s about choosing which relationships and commitments truly matter. I started investing my energy in building connections: getting married, raising children, and connecting with my community. The freedom comes not from selfishness, but from having the confidence to build a life around genuine relationships rather than external expectations.
Early twenties, now mid thirties being honest about not wanting kids because I’m selfish with my time will do that. It’s not some fantasy, you have to make the choices that come with little responsibility outside of yourself and whatever you want to pursue
Buying a home at 30 was a pretty proud and grown-up move.
Kids at 32 for sure was a wake-up call.
Loving for myself meant being able to also provide for others. The rest is just extra.
I lived for myself most of my life. Now I live for my wife and son. My life is infinitely better now.
Well, there are two ways to look at it. One, I don’t. If I ask myself how much of my time I spend doing something I like to do (and would be doing if I were the only person in my life) it’s maybe 5%.
On the other hand, I would be less fufilled if I weren’t supporting a family (and my existential crisis would be that much larger). So part of the answer is that it’s not necessarily good to be ‘living only for yourself’.
Something in-between is the answer, of course. The balance needs adjusting. There is no on/off black-and-white switch.
When I moved out of my parents house at 18.
At 30 guys think they don’t even care what other people think.
At 60 guys realize that no one was thinking about them in the first place.
20 and 26ish. Two parts to this answer.
As a teen I struggled with my sexuality, thought I was gay, then fell for my best friend (female), then she got Prego, long story short by the first year birthday of the kid confirmed it wasn’t mine via DNA test. All this led me to realize I needed to stop caring as much about others ideas and influence on my life. I was so quick to give everything to someone I trusted, that had never been 100% honest to me. I never pushed when I felt trapped or saw red flags.
Few years later, having come to terms with my sexuality, realizing I don’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of who I am, I met my wife. Instantly gave in to her and regressed. We were happy and nothing regrettable about the first 4 years of our relationship. We were each other’s worlds, in that rose colored honeymoon phase.
Then we suffered a miscarriage. This became the moment for both of us to realize weirdly, that we both have to have some space, time and purpose other than each other. It has taken some time, almost 10 years for us to perfect this balance. We both have hobbies we enjoy separately, both don’t rely on any notions of what our lives should look like, or owning a home, kids, career, etc.
32 and maybe about a year and a half.
Was depressed because of long term relationship blew up. Thought I lost out on the ‘right path’ for me.
Took me a while to realize there is no right path and we’re all gonna die anyways. Just have fun and be nice to people. It’s a pretty great way to live.
I have a son. I will never live for myself but for him and my wife.
32 comments
41 soon, sorry, hasn’t happened yet.
Never have. To me, being married and having kids means my life is forfeited for the betterment of my wife’s and children’s lives
I have kids, so I’m living for them, but I’m doing my own thing now aside from that. Started kinda slowly but all of a sudden. Divorce will do that to you lol.
Like a whole 2 months ago at 31 lol
Probably around the 15th overdraft at Washington Mutual. But in all reality, I was born a square in a circle life, so it’s not like I’ve had a choice.
I have a wife with a physical condition and a kid. I don’t think that day will ever come. Most days I’m okay with that.
I think I know what you’re getting at — living by your own expectations rather than others’. Around 30 or 31 was when I started to feel like I could be the person I wanted to be rather than some archetype
I had built in my head.
I’m 41 now and I do not really live for myself, however. I live for my family. But that I think is more fulfilling than the alternative.
I’m 32. Made the mistake of marrying without being sure, just because we had been dating for 3 years and she pressured me hard for it. In fact, she almost always made me do her bidding through crying throughout the relationship. Now I feel like I’m providing for her life. I have no life of my own. I should have known. I have a few plans to escape if the situation doesn’t improve. I’ll see you guys at other side.
I always felt like I had to please my father all of my life. Maybe I attracted a familiar partner. What a strange realization.
36 – Started putting up boundries and telling people no, I only have so much time and I’m done wasting it, more like a switch. It usually triggers when your out doing something when you really should have said no. You had other things you should be focusing on but you wanted to be nice to try to hold to many friendships together. Then you wake up exhausted one morning and realize.. damn I’m spread to thin.. so you start focusing on projects you need to at home/work etc. Only say yes to things when you have TIME. Also no more putting up with partners who do bare minimum and use you as a bank account 😛 (I had a phase lol).
Its not really about turning anything on and off or some magical switch.. its just whats your tolerance limit for constantly doing things, like hanging out with all those friends or doing them favors (Edit: ill specify, when you don’t have time)? and for what? to keep the stress going? what if they stop liking you? good I’m exhausted…go away lol
Edit: Its not even just friends, family, extra projects for coworkers, you name the scenario, just say… no if you don’t want to do something… unless its pay taxes.. please pay your taxes 🙂
I’ll let you know when I get there
33 was the age I broke out of my shell
I started at 25. It’s been 30 years of continuous work, but each step created more room. I really hit it at 50. It will not happen all at once, and I suggest that as you go along, don’t criticize yourself for not realizing certain things earlier. Take them when they arrive and keep moving through.
Part of being a man is responsibility for those around you. So I don’t think you start living for yourself exactly.
I started to become more confident in making decisions for my own health and mentals when I got into my early 30s. More confidence in my self in general. Instead of not giving a fuck about others, I’ve learned to care deeply for others but see myself as comfortable and fulfilled in my own roles in life.
23 was about when my confidence started rising. I’m 33 and it’s the highest it’s ever been. I do live for my family though rn. My wife and dogs. Who do you mean by everyone else? Like your post nuclear family?
1.5 months ago exactly. Had a catalyst that broke my heart – and well I turned it into a ‘me moment’. Learning to live grounded. Finding my true self. And now I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been for no one but MYSELF. Also new season of me as well. I just go and do things and if people want to come they can meet me there – otherwise I’m going by myself.
It’s been mind and game changing. It took me 20+ years to realize I had stopped living for me – and was being performative for everyone else.
I feel like it’s the opposite timeline. I lived for myself from when I was a teenager until around 30 when my relationship became serious and I was part of a couple that planned for the future together.
Now as a dad, I live as part of a family and make decisions with my wife as part of a family unit. It’s not a bad thing, and it doesn’t mean I’ve sacrificed doing everything that just benefits me or that I love, it just means my decisions now take into account the other people I love as well.
I’ve been single all my life so I’ve never felt like I was living for anyone else. For the last decade or so, I’ve just felt that I’ve been living in stagnation. A meaningless life and I really have no idea what to do about it.
Getting there, now, at 36. Had a long marriage that was not fulfilling but I didn’t know any better, it was my first relationship. I expect that most people enter into marriage and kids around the time they are getting financially secure and just as they’re becoming their own person. Having a family is the only lifestyle that’s been modeled for them, so they don’t consider the alternative to be possible. I think its pretty frowned upon in our society to live alone and do whatever you want over 30. I like to travel a lot and I travel for work, I also like to participate in nightlife. But I have a fear of how I’m seen in society if I’m alone, and what my life will look like if I’m alone and elderly. Those are the fears that make me hold on to relationships that maybe aren’t meant for me.
Afyer my divorce dude
Nearly 50 and my kid is in University and I have other things and people to take care of as well, living for myself is taking care of my kid and my family and that is good enough for me 🙂
39 still living for others
Wife and kids, I don’t have my own life. It’s work, chores, sleep, repeat. Even on the weekends, some of them I have to work, and the chores just pile up. Wife has a low paying job that is also very demanding (teacher), so that even manages to eat into my time.
For me, maturing isn’t about rejecting responsibility to others—it’s about choosing which relationships and commitments truly matter. I started investing my energy in building connections: getting married, raising children, and connecting with my community. The freedom comes not from selfishness, but from having the confidence to build a life around genuine relationships rather than external expectations.
Early twenties, now mid thirties being honest about not wanting kids because I’m selfish with my time will do that. It’s not some fantasy, you have to make the choices that come with little responsibility outside of yourself and whatever you want to pursue
Buying a home at 30 was a pretty proud and grown-up move.
Kids at 32 for sure was a wake-up call.
Loving for myself meant being able to also provide for others. The rest is just extra.
I lived for myself most of my life. Now I live for my wife and son. My life is infinitely better now.
Well, there are two ways to look at it. One, I don’t. If I ask myself how much of my time I spend doing something I like to do (and would be doing if I were the only person in my life) it’s maybe 5%.
On the other hand, I would be less fufilled if I weren’t supporting a family (and my existential crisis would be that much larger). So part of the answer is that it’s not necessarily good to be ‘living only for yourself’.
Something in-between is the answer, of course. The balance needs adjusting. There is no on/off black-and-white switch.
When I moved out of my parents house at 18.
At 30 guys think they don’t even care what other people think.
At 60 guys realize that no one was thinking about them in the first place.
20 and 26ish. Two parts to this answer.
As a teen I struggled with my sexuality, thought I was gay, then fell for my best friend (female), then she got Prego, long story short by the first year birthday of the kid confirmed it wasn’t mine via DNA test. All this led me to realize I needed to stop caring as much about others ideas and influence on my life. I was so quick to give everything to someone I trusted, that had never been 100% honest to me. I never pushed when I felt trapped or saw red flags.
Few years later, having come to terms with my sexuality, realizing I don’t have to fit into anyone else’s idea of who I am, I met my wife. Instantly gave in to her and regressed. We were happy and nothing regrettable about the first 4 years of our relationship. We were each other’s worlds, in that rose colored honeymoon phase.
Then we suffered a miscarriage. This became the moment for both of us to realize weirdly, that we both have to have some space, time and purpose other than each other. It has taken some time, almost 10 years for us to perfect this balance. We both have hobbies we enjoy separately, both don’t rely on any notions of what our lives should look like, or owning a home, kids, career, etc.
32 and maybe about a year and a half.
Was depressed because of long term relationship blew up. Thought I lost out on the ‘right path’ for me.
Took me a while to realize there is no right path and we’re all gonna die anyways. Just have fun and be nice to people. It’s a pretty great way to live.
I have a son. I will never live for myself but for him and my wife.