TL;dr: My partner is frustrated and now distant from me because I won’t share my childhood trauma with her. She is a therapist and we have not been emotionally stable for months now. The conversation ended with me saying that it’s unethical for her to push me to tell her about my darkest days and her going to sleep without talking to me and creating more distance between us. Why is this important to her and am I wrong for not wanting to share?
Lately I have been experiencing A LOT of stress about a huge incident that has impacted my family and left one of my siblings with even more mental health concerns. This sibling (my sister) has expressed that she’s been depressed for almost a year, and is now feeling Sui…al.
As I am the most emotionally strong and oldest male in my family, I frequently look out for all of my siblings (older and younger) and their children in the form of financial support, mental health stability, and emotional encouragement. This also includes my mom as we all have had extremely traumatic childhoods and life has always f***ing sucked.
Recently, I have been isolated, unheard, and not cared for by my partner and the life changing incident that has impacted my family has occurred during this time. Unfortunately, I chose a very unhealthy way to cope this particular day and drank while sketching and writing down my emotions. It led to me sobbing crying and feeling like a failure for not protecting my family enough and the traumatic experiences I have gone through. She woke up and asked me to share specifics and I told her that I didn’t want to because I don’t feel close to her. She knows A LOT such as physical abuse, Se.*u;l, gang violence, etc. but I have never wanted to share specifics. The next day she sits me down and is saying that she wants to know these specifics because she feels like it will help her “know and love me better”.
My partner is a therapist and I do not feel comfortable AT ALL sharing these specifics with her or going through a deep dive of my trauma and sharing these things with her as I do not want to be psychoanalyzed by her or have her label me with terms, etc. I told her these reasons and she claims that she doesn’t want me to carry these things myself, it’s unethical for her to do that, and only wants to know to love me better and know me better. I reiterate that I am not sharing because I am not comfortable and I do not want to relive them just so she feels she can know and love me better. The conversation ends with me saying that it’s unethical that she’s still pushing me when I said no and her ignoring me and going to sleep with distance between us. Wtf? And why is this so important to her? Am I the hole for not sharing? Idk how to feel but any advice would be great!