I am a 27yo female, almost a year ago my longtime partner – a 29yo man – got married because I got pregnant last spring. We have been together almost ten years, our baby is almost 9 months.

I had one foot out the door last spring and told him I ran out of the pill bc I was between jobs and my insurance had lapsed so don't finish in me. He has since stated he got angry that I said that and crossed that boundary on purpose and got me pregnant. I was scared and just wanted to do the right thing by my baby – looking back I wish I had just ran away and never told him anything. But we rushed a courthouse shotgun wedding, the reception was probably the most embarrassing day of my life.

I was deep in denial while pregnant that everything would get better and work out. Obviously it hasn't because babies don't fix relationships. I already knew that and feel so, so stupid for letting this all play out like it has in stupid hopes it would be okay.

Over the course of our relationship my husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive and controlling. He obviously sees nothing wrong with how he treats me and blames me for it. I have started reading "Why does he do that" and it's really opened my eyes to the extent of the abuse I've endured over the years.

He has ruined all of my friendships, created a rift between me and my dad, the only person I have left is my mom because she understands what im going through but she wont come around when he is home.

Today I asked him for the 4th documented time for his paystubs for some paperwork we need to submit and he blew up at me in front of our 9m old baby. Something he does frequently. I took her to her room and closed the door bc his volitle emotions have begun scaring her. He spent 20 min yelling about me and how I "have my foot on his neck" about something that isn't due until the end of the month. I've asked him at least 4 times over the last month to please get me the paystubs and have been polite each time, I literally have receipts. Anyways he picked the door lock and came in and took my daughter from me, distressing us both. He just held her away from me and said if I wanted to leave then go but I wasn't taking her with me. He knows I would never abandon her – this was his plan all along. To get me in a position where I just can't leave.

Other instances include when i was hospitalized for pre-eclampsia while pregnant I had to manage care for my dog because he couldn't be bothered to take him outside. I was walking my dog 2 days post partum with dangerously high blood pressure at night in the snow because he thought I should be doing 50/50 after a major traumatic medical event – I took the dog on every single walk since I got him until the day I was hospitalized, where was the 50/50 then? Called me a lazy, fat, stupid bitch five months post partum. He has never once woken up with our baby at night – but im lazy? He doesnt change diapers or bathe her or set up her appointments or know what she can eat.

I have so much brain fog I can't even remember a lot of the past few years. Those are just recent examples.

How do I get out? Im in NY state. Im afraid to leave because I will not give him any custody. I truly believe my daughter would not be safe if left alone with him for an extended period of time and that is not worth the risk to me. But I know its damaging her to see her mother being treated like this every day.

Im so ashamed I've allowed this man to manipulate my life like this. I thought I knew better. I am autistic so I tend to be too trusting and am used to not being treated very well I guess. Please help me navigate this, other women who have escaped non-physical abusers how did you get you and your children out?


43 comments

  1. You need to get a lawyer

    The ladies over at r/twoxchromosomes have a wealth of information about escaping abuse, pretty sure in the sub FAQ but if not just make a post

  2. You need to consult a family law attorney. Many have free consultations if you are not able to afford one.

    That said, from my experience of seeing my dad be an abusive deadbeat but the kind to fight my mom in court about everything just to have some sort of control over her, the unfortunate answer is you are most likely going to be stuck in NY until your daughter is 18 if he wants any kind of custody of her

    It is true since you are married and no custody order is in place, you can technically take your daughter anywhere without his consent, as can he too though btw, but all he would have to do is file an emergency custody petition and you would be forced to bring your daughter back. Judges now days see one parent up and taking the kid as alienation of the other parent and that is enough for them to sign an order to bring the child back to whatever state dad is in.

    You need a lawyer and only follow that lawyers advice. Reddit is full of people who truly don’t know family law and think they know how the system works when the reality is often very different.

    Best of luck to you

  3. Can your parents take in you and the baby? 

    You should start recording any outbursts on his part, immediately, if you can do so safely. Im talking about your phone in your pocket and maybe a nanny cam, to see how he is around your daughter.  This includes how he is when hes alone with her, for your own knowledge and hopefully, peace of mind. 

    If hes a decent father when you are out of the equation, it’s one less thing for you to worry about if hes awarded custody.  But I would see if you could confide in your parents, with the intent on getting help to LEAVE. Not just to vent.  The recordings of how he is with you could help you get a restraining order AND help with custody. 

    Please do not record if you cannot safely do so. Don’t take the phone out of your pocket where he may see you do so. Hes the type to think your talking to someone or suspect what you’re doing and things could get worse from there. 

    This all depends on whether you can get the support of your parents, if theres nobody else. If you cant, it’s an entirely different kind of advice you need. So please start there and update, so people can give advice accordingly. 

    You can do better and deserve better. And your child deserves a better environment. I could not wait for my parents to divorce. And I carry their issues with me at age 30, in my own relationships. Do it for your child.

    You are not trapped.

    Edit: I meant if hes awarded ANY custody.  Not full custody.  There’s no reason he will get full custody if you want custody, based on this post

  4. GTFO NOW. Shame is what these monsters count on, so don’t give him that.

    As for him being non-physically violent? He already has been. He sexually assaulted you to get you pregnant.

    Also? Him taking your daughter away while you were holding her was a violent act. Healthy people don’t make a baby thing to be physically fought over. He’s ramping up to hitting you.

    You need a lawyer. You also need to reach out to your dad and apologize. You’re going to need every resource you have to get away from this monster.

  5. I am attaching a link for domestic violence services in NY. It goes by the county that you are in:

    https://www.nyscadv.org/find-help/program-directory.html

    I am also attaching a phone number for a national domestic violence hotline, 1-800-799-7233

    Please contact the hotline when your spouse is out of the house. They can help you formulate a plan to safely get you and your baby out.

  6. First thing, None of this is your fault OP. Also use incognito browser as much as possible and delete your history if you are worried he may see.

    Reach out to people who care, your mom is a good start but others are probably just waiting to hear you need help and will jump into action. Call the national domestic violence hotline if you have a safe way to do so. Cross post this to r/domesticviolence.

    Some go bag items to help you and baby plan to get out:

    Cash and prepaid credit cards that can’t be traced.
    Keepsakes.
    Small toys or books for your children.
    Personal journals, images and other evidence proving abuse.
    Clothing.
    Car, house, and other important keys.
    Eyeglasses, contact lenses, hearing aids and any other medical devices.
    Pet purchase, maintenance and medical records, plus leash.
    Current medications and prescriptions for yourself and your children.
    Your address book or cell phone contacts.
    Prepaid cell phone or a cell phone with a new contract and number.
    Phone calling card.
    A post office box or safe address where you can forward your mail.
    Small valuables you could sell if need be.
    Checks.
    Credit cards, ATM cards and PIN numbers.
    Birth certificates.
    Car title, registration, and insurance documentation.
    Apartment rental agreement, or house deed.
    Financial records and bank account numbers.
    Immunization records.
    Your children’s school records.
    Health insurance cards and medical records.
    Records of any police reports you have filed.
    Legal protection or restraining orders.
    Marriage, divorce and custody papers.
    Green card or immigration papers.
    Government benefits card.
    Work permits.
    W2s and paystubs.
    Driver’s license and/or passports.
    Social security cards for yourself and your children.

    Stay safe, you matter, you are loved! 

  7. Look, your situation is rough. He isolated you, he manipulated you, he is actively abusing you. What happened has happened, and it’s in the past. What matters is what you do moving forward.

    If you feel unsafe, the most important thing you need to do is get somewhere safe with your daughter. Especially where your daughter is under a year old (and possibly breastfeeding?), it’s most likely the courts would say she needs to stay with you until she is old enough to be weened.

    Do you have access to personal resources (money, car, phone, personal documents)? Is there a time when your husband is out of the house (at work?) when you can escape? Don’t make it obvious that you are collecting these things, keep them hidden somewhere and a go-back ready with only essentials and what you can carry with the baby.

    You said you HAD friends before he burned those bridges, are those people you can talk to for support? It’s likely that those friends distanced themselves from you because of your husband.

    If you have family you can rely on, make sure they are trusted family who wouldn’t turn on you and side with your husband.

    The fact of this situation is that you will likely need an attorney because this will probably not be an uncontested divorce. Even a 1-hour consultation would be helpful for taking the appropriate steps to establish that he’s been abusive and unfit for marriage/parenthood.

    Gather and save all documentation you have of his negligence or abuse. Do this safely, because his actions may escalate if he knows you’re going to file a report against him.

    Look for family legal help, women’s shelters in New York that specialize in helping abuse victims. A quick Google Search is showing me that there are several. Go during the day when there is more likely to be a case worker there who can provide professional help.

    Don’t be too embarrassed to reach out. 9/10 times, someone will say “why didn’t you ask for help?” when they find out about your situation.

  8. You have plenty of emotional abuse but you do have a BIT of physical abuse in this story. Specifically the part where he physically took the baby out of your arms. Also, possibly, the part about him finishing in you when you didn’t want that. If you withdrew permission and told him to pull out and he refused to and kept going, that’s rape. So you could talk to a womens’ shelter and see if, should you report or be willing to report those things, you would qualify for their help.

    But even if you don’t, any plan that starts with you and your baby having a safe place to sleep and you leaving to that place is okay. Going to your mom’s for instance. Then you get legal help and file for a protection order and temporary custody.

    If there’s any chance of him escalating physically, don’t tell him you’re going, you wait until you can go and you do it and leave a note behind or tell him afterwards.

    > Im afraid to leave because I will not give him any custody

    It’s not up to you to determine that. You have to let that get figured out through the court. Even if you can’t guarantee that you get full custody, you should leave, because you SHOULD be able to at least get a substantial amount of custody – particularly while the baby is still little – and in any case, every hour of custody you get is an hour where she’s safe from his abuse.

  9. You can’t change the past and it’s not in anyone’s best interest to beat yourself up over it. Definitely learn from it now that you have a child to protect. I’d start looking up your rights and find places that can help. Squirrel away money NOW. I don’t advocate being sneaky but from what you’re describing, I’d play along like all is well as you get yourself situated. He has already shown you how little he will help, whether it be the dog or his own child. I’d wager be won’t push for custody in a meaningful way because he’s not up for the task. Keep notes, but in a locked place on your phone or paper hidden very well.

    Abusers, mental or otherwise, never change without wanting to and getting professional help. I’m sorry, but your situation is likely never to improve and has lots of room to deteriorate.

  10. You need to first of all make sure you have evidence against him if say install couple cameras where he won’t see them and record his behavior etc. If he texts you nasty stuff save those he text don’t deleted anything that should prove that he would be a risk to your daughter and etc

  12. You don’t need relationship advice. You need legal advice and escaping abuse advice.

    Also, you need therapy.

  13. >I have so much brain fog I can’t even remember a lot of the past few years

    Your brain is trying to protect you from the trauma. But you need to stay clear-headed. You’re doing a great job, you’re reading Why Does He Do That, & you’re ready to leave.

    This is what you do: you contact a domestic violence organization. They will help you make a plan for how to leave SAFELY. They can connect you with housing, an attorney, etc. But the most important thing is how to leave in a safe way. Abusers escalate violence when their partners leave. Please listen to me because this is really serious: he is likely to hurt you &/or your baby if you tell him you’re leaving face-to-face.

    After you get out, you seek therapy to heal from this, & to ensure that you are never treated this way again.

  14. Since you don’t have a court ordered custody plan he can’t stop you from taking your daughter. Get a personal protection order or restraining order. Get it all set up with family/friends/shelter and leave when he isn’t home. Don’t forget you can always call the cops if necessary

  16. You need to leave, you know this. But it’s hard and terrifying.

    But you need to be strong and brave for your daughter and be ready to fight. It won’t be fun, but it will be worth it.

  17. The shame belongs only to him. Echoing the advice for a lawyer and please be careful. You are in the most danger as you are trying to break away. Stash important documents, as much cash as you’re able to make a quick exit. Be aware of tracking devices. Get your ducks in a row, no announcement, just get away.

  18. Everyone else has great advice but I just want to chime in and say while you are still under the same roof as him, for the sake of your daughter, look up grey rocking in the context of abuse. It can help keep the environment somewhat peaceful. It works surprisingly well in my experience.

  19. Please leave this man!! See a divorce lawyer immediately!!!

    Don’t let him know. Gather all of your important documents and give them to someone safe. You need to make a plan to leave.

    Please post this in the domestic violence subreddits. They will be able to help you.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this but you can escape. ❤️‍🩹

  21. You have to divorce him, nothing to be ashamed of. He’s an asshole and your life, sanity and that of your baby matters more than any shame at this point. Talk to your family (including your dad) and let them work with you (secretly) until you’re about to get out of the marriage. Custody or not is a different matter but you need to legally and officially dump this man before anything else

  22. In the case of trying to leave, if possible, get a small camera to put somewhere in the home. Start collecting evidence you can use in a court battle. Also look into if the state/country you live in allows you to record him without his consent to cover yourself.

  23. You leave, go to your parents, contact a lawyer to start divorce. Your parents will help you rebuild your life and make better decisions going forward.

  24. Idealy you’d be able to get out now but it’ll be a drawn out process, so document everything, without proof he’s dangerous and abusive towards both of you then your chances of getting majority/full custody aren’t great.

    Get witnesses, screenshots, recordings, everything you can.

  25. First off, honey, that shame is not yours to carry! Secondly, we all make mistakes. It’s part of life. You and that baby are the most important thing. He has to go to work. Get your shit and leave. Try talking to your dad and re-establish that bond. You need all the support you can get to get away from him.

  26. And please please don’t leave your dog. It sounds like this guy will absolutely take it out on her

  27. FFS get a lawyer with the help of your mother and take the baby to her house!!!!!!! STAY THERE! There’s nothing he’ll be able to do. Let the courts settle it. Unless you’ve documented the abuse it will be hard to strip his parental rights. You should not worry until that time comes. One step at a time.

  29. If you can secretly and safely document some of the abuse that’s the only thing I wish I did differently when I ran was having proof for court. I used to live like that and it was hell. Get out before he traumatizes the kids or hurts them and you

  30. girl it’s never too late . leave for your child and your safety and sanity i’m sure she’ll be proud of you for leaving , and girrl i’m sorry this happened to you sending virtual hugs

  31. My childhood best friend could have written this, she has such a similar story. Her daughter is now 6, and she never got around to leaving her shitty, abusive husband. He’s now starting to mistreat her daughter. I don’t know how much longer she can stay. It takes most people multiple attempts, but it’s horrible to sit by and watch. I really hope she can get out.

    You should be so, so proud of yourself. You are doing the best thing for yourself and your child. It will be hard, but your daughter will grow up safe and happy with you. You will be so much happier, and you deserve it. You’ve got this!

  32. Leave. Then put the work on him to get custody set up. I bet he doesn’t. These guys talk a big game but they don’t want to do the hard work. Move an hour away, if you can, get situated, and file paperwork where you’re established. Get a job, get a daycare, get her settled and once you look like the responsible one it will be on HIM to prove otherwise and actually show up for his parenting time. I bet he doesn’t.

    If you can stand it, stay for as long as you can to get your ducks in a row and then split.

  33. Your parents have probably been waiting for the day you call them up and tell them you want to leave your abusive husband. I bet your dad backed away because he couldn’t stand to watch you be treated that way. Call your parents. Ask for their help. My husband and I would drop everything in a heartbeat to get our daughter and grandchild if they were in this situation. Document everything. Talk to a lawyer. Once you are out, get therapy to help make sure this never happens again.

  34. Hey there. My sister and I founded our company Fresh Starts Registry to help people navigate this exact sort of thing. You need to find your support team. Schedule a free resource consult with our ceo/my sister — she will connect you to the right people, send you resources (including our free epub “how to get divorced as a stay at home parent” — free on the website) and so much more. You and your baby deserve so much better. Feel free to DM me if you have any questions. https://www.freshstartsregistry.com/consult

  36. Your local Humane Society may be able to provide or direct you to temporary foster care for your dog until you are in a safe place.

  38. I won’t be of help here, but my mom also got baby trapped by my father. My mom was 17 when she got pregnant and they married as soon as she turned 18 – he knew she wouldn’t marry him otherwise.

    And, as the daughter of a woman that went through the same things you did: you are so, so brave. It’s incredibly brave that you’re looking for help and, even if I don’t know you, I am very proud of you. Don’t be ashamed; it’s not your fault that you are in this situation.

    Believe me: one day, your daughter will also be really proud of you, because you were brave enough to leave this man and fight to give you two, you and your daughter, a so much better life than you would have if you’d stay with him. You are strong and brave and brilliant, please don’t forget that.

  39. I want to preface this by saying how incredibly brave you are. I dont think women in your position are ever told that.

    I want to also say that these men do not change. They dont change for us, and dont change for their children. Its a shame, but it is their own childhood wounds and trauma that resurface as abusive and narcissism. Often times they have witnessed their own mothers treated this way by their fathers. So it becomes a normal and learnt behaviour.

    I was with a man, who was the same way. I helped with everything except wiping his ass. But then he would be angry that Im “nagging” him to do things that are for him? Cant explain that. He ruined so many relationships and friendships. I became so scared that I would avoid even asking him a simple thing. I just walked on eggshells for years, living with the bare minimum relationship, and forfeiting all of my hopes and dreams along the way.

    Please leave with your child as soon as now. The trauma your 9 mo is already enduring can and will change their psyche. You owe it to yourself and your child for a better future. It will be hard but with the right support you will be way better off. Get a lawyer right off the bat. You as the mother have the most rights here.

    Leqve without any warning, when he least expects it. Leave with your valuables and legal paperwork. You might have only time for bare necessities. Call a loved one like your dad for support and hopefully a place to stay. Depending on your jurisdiction, inform local police so they can be a support as well especially if it comes down to violence, abuse, harassment, and threats. Then hit him with legal paperwork.

  40. Girl the same thing happened to me I left four months after having my baby. He was also cheating on me.

  41. I just want to say it took a lot of strength to come and ask for help. Make sure to protect your phone and computer so he can’t discover what you are up to.

    Also, the friends and family that you may feel you’ve alienated….Use your best judgement, but I think if they knew what was happening, you’d find support. If my worst enemy came and asked to help them out of an abusive situation, I’d happily help them pack their bags.

  42. First, google all the women’s centres, support services for women etc in your area. Call every single website that comes up. Eventually you will find people that will point you in the right direction. Do not, by any means, do not disclose this to him what you are doing. When you have a plan in place, with the assistance of these resources, take your daughter and leave when it’s safe to do so. Afterwards completely block him from any contact. You can notify your family that you’re safe but don’t disclose location. Get a lawyer experienced in this work, your previous contacts will help you with this. There are other subreddits to help you. You can do this, but please don’t disclose to him what your plans are. This is really really unsafe and you will be in a dangerous situation.

  43. I already commented, but I just want to say that it is pretty amazing to see these days, women really passing knowledge to help another. I really needed to see this, when it hasn’t been feeling that way recently. It’s as we should. This is what we are supposed to be.

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