A long story short, I’ve had issues in my marriage for years. I had been internalising them and rationalising the issues with faults in myself, but then I started therapy this year to cope with that. Recently my therapist suggested that my wife is in fact psychologically abusive and unlikely to change. I think I’ve been in denial about it, but it does check out.
Here’ s the complication.
I had noticed signs our kid has started walking on eggshells around her mum, but yesterday our daughter confided to me that she keeps being a picky eater and not trying new things because she’s afraid of mummy being upset if she tries a new thing and doesn’t like it. I’ve seen that and know exactly what she means. There’s no physical violence or shouting, she just throws the food out angrlly, makes a few irritated remarks and then sulks about it, making it clear she’s angry and upset. Passive aggressive, but nothing folks from my culture and generation wouldn’t have seen growing up.
Just the week before our daughter said that, we had what is for us a very typical situation. We’re getting ready to go somewhere, my wife was anxious about us being late and gets increasingly huffy and panicky until both me and the kid are both just complying to deescalate.
I saw our daughter was sad and quiet later and later spoke to her to the effect of “mummy isn’t angry with you when we’re running late, she’s just upset in general about us all running late”. Even as I said it, I knew it was a fucked up thing to say and knew I could not let this become the norm.
I am now contemplating a separation and divorce more seriously than ever before, but I love my daughter and a part of me feels that even with 50/50 custody I would be leaving her in an unhealthy environment.
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That is my reason for asking. I will work on the right decision myself, with the help of my therapist and, if needs to be, engage a couples therapist and/or a lawyer. While I know it sounds like I am asking for advice or validation, I am actually interested in hearing the experience of other men who have faced similar situations.
Also, obligatory explanation: I am not an native English speaker, so something may or may not be phrased oddly.
Please share your story. Did you stay, did you go, how did it turn out and how did your kid take it?