So i have been seeing this woman for 4 dates. Things have been going well.
Now, she did tell me she wanted to take things slow, and I asked her what exactly she meant. She said she takes relationships slow, and doesn't want jump into one too fast. She also said this meant that she wants to take it slow physically as well.
I told her I'm fine with that, but with one caveat. I told her if she's planning on sleeping with others, then we should go our separate ways.
This pissed her off, she told me that isn't any of my business.
Safe to say that this is over.
Am I unreasonable here?
47 comments
Leave now. Let her gooooooo
Believe me! You save yourself the biggest headache ever!! Stay strong and keep your standards my guy!
Well done!
That’s not unreasonable lol. Don’t take it slow with me but move like The Flash with others
I dont think thats unreasonable. You set a boundary of ‘if we do this, id be more comfortable if we weren’t sleeping with other people’. If she didnt like it, thats fine but its not because youve said something wrong
Yes, that sounds like a commitment issue on her part.
Edit: I talked to my brother about this he said it could be she was just offended that you think she would sleep around. I told him that if she said she would like to take things slow why would she not be serious in getting to know the other person and still sleep around. The math ain’t mathing. 😅
Absolutely not, lol. You did right
I don’t think there’s a good way to say it and a lot of women will react like that, but I get why you said it. “I take all relationships slow” and “I want to go slow with just you” are very different statements and I understand not being ok with the later.
It’s good that you have a boundary and that you’re willing to walk away from the relationship.
She could have countered with “the two of you could be sleeping with other people,” to be fair.
you did right, shes a weirdo lol. Idk who she thought she was but she played herself.
Well depends if you said it like that, that’s pretty much the dumbest way to do it since you’re not including yourself either.
If you wanna set that boundary talk about yourself, say you want exclusivity and that means you won’t sleep with other people and want the same from the person you’re dating if they’re okay with it.
Then you find out if there’s a mismatch or if you align
Dogded a bullet there
get out of there lol. if you guys have only had 4 dates. and she’s getting pissed off already? that’s a long term disaster waiting to happen.
You did 10000% right! You just weren’t compatible & likeminded on the topic.
I don’t sleep around nor entertain multiple guys, one is enough so if you asked me that question, I’d say cool, not an issue for me… as long as you aren’t either!
Woman here, you are completely reasonable. Personally if guy asked me to not sleep with other people when I suggested to take things slowly with him, I would say yes absolutely. Because if we are at this conversation, I almost sure made up my mind that I don’t want to see other people anyway. I would be happy that we are both on the same page
Lol, she doesn’t mind taking it slow because she has at least one FWB that’s “filling in” while you waste your money taking her out.
A B See ya
4 Dates is nothing to demand what someone does outside of your time together.
She may have never intended to date or sleep with anyone else, she may have just wanted a slow and growing progression.
You could have just asked her outright now, rather than tell her what she can and not do contractually to be with you.
Neither of you are in the wrong, you just have different approaches to dating which is fine. If you’re not comfortable with her approach, it’s entirely justified to end the relationship.
Her wanting to take things slowly physically with you doesn’t mean she’s pledging to celibacy in the meantime. Nor does her having sex with other people mean she’s not being consistent in her approach. Assuming you’re both adults with pasts, she could be having sex with previous partners on a casual basis. Sex can change the dynamic in a budding relationship and it’s fair to want to get to know someone before you introduce that into the equation. And you can still have a sex drive and hook up, if that’s your thing!
Like many women, she may have also have had the experience of having sex quickly with someone who said they were looking for a relationship and then get dumped or ghosted shortly after sex. It’s always shitty to be dumped or ghosted but there’s an extra vulnerability when it’s shortly after sex for the first time. Many of us end up feeling duped or misled when this happens and we adapt our approach to dating based on our lived experiences.
When you date a lot and meet lots of men who are just trying to get you to sleep with them, you tend to not put all your eggs in one basket, dating wise. I personally ‘multi-date’ and I don’t sleep with most of my dates but I have a couple of casual things that have lasted a while and they’re there when I need/want them. If a man isn’t comfortable with me multi-dating, I respect his decision not to continue dating me but I will also not share the details of my dating life with him.
“Taking it slow” isn’t a way to keep sleeping with other people. She’s ridiculous.
You did the right thing. You have to protect yourself. She didn’t want to sleep with you, but she still wanted to sleep around with other people. That makes no sense.
With that being said, if you aren’t exclusive I feel it’s harder to ask that of someone. That’s why they’re dating is to find their person— and if one date had chemistry… some people act on it. Same goes for her, she couldn’t expect you to only date her and not possibly sleep with someone else.
I’m on your side because I’m pretty loyal. Therefore, if I’m ’dating’ I don’t have sex with people. If I’m having sex it’s because this person is the only one of the roster I like, if not the only person on the roster. However, I’m in my 30s so I’m looking for my life partner, not just a hook up.
Not unreasonable at all. Sounds like she just told on herself.
This is bizzare to me. Wanting to take it slow physically but being upset you set a boundary. Why would you sleep with everyone else except for the dude you want a relationship with. Silly woman.
Yeah you didn’t do anything wrong there. I feel like that’s a reasonable expectation honestly.
If you’re not gonna have sex with me, but sleep with other people but also expect me to continue to give you my time? That.. no.
Move along from her.
Even as a woman I think you are totally reasonable here.
The reason to take things slow is to feel out if the person you are seeing is the right person. I don’t think it’s wrong to date around without sleeping with anyone until you make a connection and call off the others. It’s also not wrong to just sleep around with whoever you want as long as you are honest about it. But to expect someone to wait around, take you on real dates and get to know you on a romantic, emotional level while sleeping around with others is crazy. Nobody is going to willingly sign up for that.
I mean if she’s already sleeping with someone and doesn’t want to jump into hooking up with you yet I think that’s fine and it’s fine for you to remove yourself from the situation.
She set a boundary, she expected you to fall in line. You set a boundary, she showed she’s not interested in giving you the same courtesy. No loss imo.
Lmao, how the hell did she get angry at that? Just shows what her intention really were in my book.
Buy me stuff while I sleep with other people and I might get around to you? Is that what she wants?
You did the right thing .. if you are dating someone and want to wait with sex you don’t go and have sex with other people in the meantime… i can barly belive this is real… but atleast she was honest with you so you didn’t waist more time
See ya, bye! She is setting your boundaries, can’t do her own.
That’s hella reasonable. Pretty hypocritical of her. Pretty big deal to be hypocritical about that, too. Good riddance
Nope you two want different things.
Great job on smoking her out 👏👏
You need to fight for yourself man, no one else will.
I do not think you are unreasonable at all. I would not even consider dating a man who was sleeping with other women. It’s one thing if you’re just getting to know someone and it’s very casual but that’s only in the early stages when you aren’t actually committed or exclusive.
Preety reasonable.
I don’t think either of you are wrong. She has the right to choose if she’s seeing multiple people and who she’s intimate with; you have the right to want exclusivity.
Lol, no, she sucks
Wow. That was a really good call on your part to say that out loud. I would have assumed that if she was taking it slow with me, she wasn’t planning to run with other guys. Good to know so you can decline.
You dodged a bullet.
Nice call !! Dont walk , RUN !!
Sooooo… she’s mad at you because she wants YOU to accept slow – including on physical but she wants to be able to be physical elsewhere??? Or at least if she is physical elsewhere it’s none of your business??? It’s kinda loopy and seemingly inconsistent. Without her explaining her view (and her reaction: getting pissed off) sounds like you dodged a bullet if you said bye bye.
She wants to have her cake and eat it too
You didn’t want to be a hire car.
Your choice, good on you setting your standard and being clear.
Well, after 4 dates you’d think talks about sex wouldn’t be too upsetting, playful even if anything. It sounds like a reasonable thing to say, but depends on y’all’s age. For young 20s that doesn’t fly as well (cus young n dumb), but 30s plus, totally reasonable. If she got upset, it could be because she felt you were inappropriately overstepping, but also, it’s been 4 dates, that’s plenty to know if you want to be intimate and together. If she is still there, maybe she’s looking for an out, or maybe she likes you on standby for serious stuff while she plays the field a bit?
Iunno, it’s your life bud, you know better than us randos.
No you’re not. By slow she meant continue to see other people. A lot of people do this. I tried it for a while, but I won’t do it again if someone wants to be exclusive and I dig them I think it’s worth a try. I don’t feel like I can get to know one person enough when I’m distracted with others. You just need to decide when being exclusive is right for you and if she’s not ready then move on.
Also sorry but sleeping with multiple people at once is a clear red flag that something is going on there and they are not ready for a relationship. Likely some emotional damage/blockage there. IMO
Be done with it. You made the most reasonable counter request that should be expected considering her request of you. Her behavior actually diminishes the feelings of so many women who genuinely want to take things slow because of their love languages and attachment styles while being self-aware enough to admit that to themselves and communicate with a potential partner.