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Disappointing date today. Went on my (34f) first date in 3 years with a 29m. We’d met in person a few days before in a group of people. He sent me all the signals and we also talked a bit afterwards. I texted him if he wants to meet up sometime, he said yes. I suggested a coffee date in the city centre. He agreed and then last minute asked if I wanna go for a light hike to a more scenic place on the outskirts of the city cause he was in the mood for some nature. I didnt want to commit to a minimum 2-3 hour thing without an easy exit, also I had not prepared my outfit for that kind of activity. So I suggested a park instead. We met up, the conversation took a while to get going, but we eventually got some ok back-and-forth going. I thought he was just a shy conversationalist and needed some coaxing.
Then a little over an hour in he says he needs to film a tiktok. I knew he was doing tiktoks, he said he’s doing this to challenge himself to commit to sth over a prolonged time. I have no problem with people trying to better themselves with different techniques. I myself identify as a hot mess who’s tried various things, so no judgement here. He said he’d take about 10 mins. He ended up leaving me alone for 30 mins and when he returned he said he still hadnt found a good spot without too many people but wanted to finish it because daylight was going. I left obviously. The mf even tried to gaslight me that he didnt know this was a date and we were meeting as friends. Idk man, I also wouldnt leave my friend alone for half an hour when we had made time for each other. I also see now why he wanted to go for the hike – more scenic backdrop for his tiktok. MF
Ok, a lot of my relationships we’ve always moved fast. Its what Im used to. We’ll see each other for a month and then boom a LTR. So i think I dont know how to date? For my daters, how many dates or how long do you get to know someone before you’ve defined the relationship?
I had been paused on Hinge intending to see through the couple of matches I had and then be done, but got another wind and decided to expand my age range +2 years on the upper side. I’ve since had several matches, and a couple of pretty engaging ones so far, which is nice after a run of seemingly uninterested men! Have plans for one date this week and hoping for one or two more from other conversations to come to fruition.
i decided to meet a tinder match to allow him to explain in person why he didn’t have enm/poly/whatever in his profile and skirted me asking if he’d ever been married, and I asked if he had a roommate and he said yes, and 3 days later I must have asked another followup about it because it seemed off that his place was off-limits for any hookups ever. he finally admitted he is married. he’s allowed, I believed it wasn’t cheating, but it was extremely fishy to hide the fact. like we’d sleep together (he also really wanted to cuddle and watch movies like that’s not going to lead a person on) and I’d never know? so disingenuous to not disclose it. I had to ask exactly the right question before he said it. he’s over 40.
but I already had a crush/I’m depressed idk so I met him and it was so awful. his hair was at least 3in longer than any photos, very different weight/build, he gleefully (for real with a smile) asked me if I’d ever been catfished and I am so mad at myself that I didn’t just yell YEAH RIGHT NOW and run away. he wouldn’t stop asking if he could sit next to me and put his arm around me. I finally said yes. like some part of me couldn’t say no. I’m so upset for reacting this way. fawning or something. I guess I really liked our chats and wanted to make absolutely sure it was a dud. i tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. but he pushed and pushed. I finally let him sit next to me and I feel ill. how can a married man feel so comfortable doing PDA with a total stranger? people walking by walking their dogs, what if we knew someone? like some coworker will ask later who he was or who I was, or someone who knew his wife. I let him kiss me and it was gross. he was just trying to get laid, it didn’t matter who I was. I’m so upset I didn’t stand up for myself
I did reject him via tinder messenger later that day and he still tried to persuade me. he sent a couple like that and i said he was trying to guilt me into seeing him and that wasnt ok. he tried to gaslight me. my last message was no means no and blocked him. but not being able to say it to him, not being understood or getting through to him that he is a manipulative gross perv has stuck in me, running through my head quite a lot and I don’t know where to put these feelings and words, I am grateful for a place to let it out
I just need to forgive myself. I have too many experiences like this that it’s upsetting to me to not have done it differently. like when will I learn. hoping the vent will help at least, it makes me feel ill
Hope is such a heart breaking thing to have. I hope I would find a relationship in my 20s and 30s it never really happened. I hoped I would at least have some dates along the way. That’s gone now. I can no longer hope as it’s to crushing.
I have a close friend who has a very lovely, devoted partner. She moved back across country to be with him, and I’ve missed her so much since. Her boyfriend is also super kind to me. I see them post each other and just wonder sometimes, “Why can’t I have that?”
I wind up in relationships with men who are either toxic or just straight up lying about what they want. I try to be a good person. I’m looking after my health, I have hobbies, etc. I know in my head it’s not me, but today I’m having a hard time reminding myself.
I’ve also had really disturbing dreams around being single lately, including one in which I was pregnant, but the ultrasound photo they handed me was blank. 😭
Using a throwaway because some mutual friends know my main…
My ex (27F) and I (30M) broke up last month after 2.5 years together, which were in many ways the best years of our lives. The main cause of the breakup was that we were unaligned in a few important dimensions, including
* views for the future (e.g. where and how to raise kids)
* views on how to interact with family (I am closer to mine than she is due to cultural differences, and my family is much more demanding of my time which caused some tension)
We (mostly she) tried many times to bring up these and other topics in a reasonable way with the goal of finding a solution or determining if a compromise was possible. Sadly, even though we never yelled at or insulted one another, neither of us left an argument feeling heard or understood or happy. Since the breakup, I’ve been reflecting a lot and have come to believe that in the large majority of our arguments, the lack of progress was caused less by fundamental values differences and more by me becoming defensive and unintentionally ruining any chance of a real compromise.
While the breakup was amicable and mutual when it happened, I now feel that I fucked up, and I’m not sure how to move forward. The things above might truly make us incompatible, but I feel that we could have worked through them had I approached our arguments less as attacks on my character, and more as cooperative problem solving sessions. My friends are sorta divided on whether I should just move on, or tell her how I’m feeling. I am still trying to figure out for certain whether I want to pursue getting back together and that my feelings are not just fueled by guilt about my defensiveness. But if I decide that I truly want to give this relationship another shot with a different approach to difficult discussions (including couples therapy), how would I even go about proposing that to her?
I’m trying to work through these feelings while I wait for my next therapy appointment. If anyone has any similar experiences or perspectives, I’d be happy to hear them!
I’ve spent the better part of my relationship not being anxious (or at least not *too* anxious) but I’m ready to tell him I love him and my anxiety is through the roof. I’ve held off quite a while to make sure the feeling was legit and it is. I say it to him (in my head) all the freaking time. I’ve even tried practicing saying it out loud when he is not in the room. But when he’s there, I freeze. I literally can’t say *anything*. Heeeeeelp. What’s the worst thing that can happen if I say it?
I’m dating a guy (34M) who is in the process of getting divorced. He’s been upfront from the start about this, he raised the conversation initially and kept me in the loop along the way. At this point we’re 5 months in, and it seems on the verge of feelings and expressions of such which I promised myself wasn’t going to happen until everything is finalised (which should be next month).
Thing is we’ve been spending quite a lot of time together and I am falling for him – against my better judgement. All the advice of don’t be’ that’ person to date someone just coming out a long term committed relationship means I am holding back massively though but I’m worried at this point if I keep holding back he’s going to have enough of me sitting on the fence. He says he is totally over his ex, the relationship has been over for a year + now and he’s moved on and will cut ties 100% once the divorce is through. He has near enough said he would like us to be together as soon as possible. On one hand I want to trust his judgement and not second guess his feelings, on the other I don’t want to go all in just to get hurt.
Can this be different or is it likely to end as another cliche where the divorce hits him harder than he thought or he just wants to enjoy his freedom? Even if it doesn’t is this a good basis for a long term relationship between us if he jumps from one to the next?
Went on a sort-of-first-date with a woman a little while ago (asked about it here https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1l9oopw/daily_sticky_thread_for_rants_raves_celebrations/mxgxqbg/), and she seemed to have fun, but since it was at a play we really only talked for a total of 45 minutes or so. She was friendly and engaged and she hugged me at the end, but then she told me she was traveling for the next 3 months and wouldn’t be back in the country until September. Neither of us committed to do anything when she got back, and neither of us has texted the other during that time. So now I’m wondering if I should try reaching out again and if so, what the best way to do so is. I don’t want to seem like I’ve been silently pining for 3 months, but it would be nice to reconnect if she’s open to it.
I went in person today to end a polyamorous relationship of 9 months where I was the secondary partner. I realized this was not the relationship structure for me. I tend to drag out relationships so I wanted to end it as soon as I was sure.
I was expecting a lot of emotions and crying like past break ups but I said my piece (while shaking and tearing up) and she was calm and was just like “okay, makes sense we shouldn’t be in something that isn’t working for you” and just sat there. Then was like “what do you want me to say?” I said “Nothing, I just didn’t expect this calm reaction”
We sat there for a few more minutes, me crying and talking about how I appreciated her and the relationship, her kinda just looking at me. Then I said if she didn’t have anything else she’d like to talk about I’d like some time to process things. She said “bye, <name>”, got out of the car and kinda slammed the door.
I was taken for a loop. I know I can’t control or predict anyone’s reactions but the whole week she was saying how much she loved me and then it was all logical Vulcan talk.
This isn’t a criticism, if that’s her reaction then that’s her reaction. Maybe she needed time to process things too. But it just was not at all what I expected and I’m not sure how I feel about it.
So….there was a plot twist in my search for a date for my school event. I enlisted the help of an older lady at church – more for support than to “matchmake”. We had a chat today, and she actually found someone willing to help me out as a friend – and it was my crush. Next plot twist – the event is on the one weekend that he’s not available, so we are back to square one!
Finally texted my crush that I like him more than friends and haven’t heard ANYTHING back. Disappointed but as predicted, proud of myself for doing it.
Had a good conversation with a friend on Friday about dating, it makes a real difference to me just to get a little reassurance of the effort that goes into putting myself out there.
Edited for typo
My last partner ended things because they wanted more alone time, even though I still believe it was actually just them realizing they didn’t like me anymore. Took a few months to get over it, got back on the apps last week, woke up from a nap today and guess whose profile popped up. Wasn’t ready for that jumpscare but I guess I can skip afternoon coffee lol… woof.
I’ve been reflecting on how in previous relationships I haven’t prioritized choosing a guy I’m actually really attracted to physically. I feel like the common wisdom is that as people age, they start prioritizing other aspects of connection like emotional, intellectual, etc over physical.
I might be doing the reverse? I prioritized all the other stuff when I was younger and now I want to prioritize physical too, not above the other stuff but equal weight.
Just curious if anyone can relate?
Had a friend tell me I am too picky because I refuse to swipe on women who smoke. It’s interesting that people either think so little of you or think you must be so desperate that they want you to accept anything. I never smoked absolutely hate it like why would I want to start relationship with someone just so I’m no longer single even when they have off putting habbits
Going through such a hard time recently with changes to trans rights in The UK. I have wonderful friends, both cis and trans, but it just isn’t the same as having a partner by my side. Everyone was busy today and I really needed to have someone and there just wasn’t anybody there.
I also feel like I’ve asked so much of my friends lately, and they all have their own lives and goals. It just feels impractical and selfish to rely on them.
I think it’s fairly reasonable to say it will always be like this. I can’t fathom a scenario where I meet someone, there’s mutual attraction, shared goals, compatible personalities, and they have the capacity to love and desire a trans man physically and emotionally. Everyone has their own baggage and stuff they need to focus on, I can’t expect someone being able to support me through the complexities of navigating this country as a trans person on top of all that.
I’ve never dated anyone who was capable or willing to support me through anything, trans-related or otherwise and I can’t picture it ever actually being a possibility.
My dating pool is too small and there’s too many dealbreakers about me.
Welp. Had a really good date last night with the guy I was seeing for over 3 months. He went to leave, kissed me, said he had a great time and lets do it again. I asked if we could talk about some things before he left and now it’s over. He said he doesn’t want a girlfriend now or anytime soon. That he could disappear into a cabin in the woods and never think about me or anyone else again. That his plan is to run away and he’s considering become a priest or monk. That he doesn’t know if he can ever love again.
He used me as a rebound. Two months of pure bliss and what felt like happiest, healthiest dating situation I’ve had yet, then a month of confusion and mixed signals. We already had a “breakup” two weeks ago then worked it out so I kinda already grieved then. Now I just feel empty, used, and defeated. I asked on the third date if he was ready to be dating and not to use me as a rebound 🙁
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I am still seeing the golf guy with the aggressive dog. He’s literally so perfect in every other way and when I talked to him about seeing it as a non workable problem both of us were crying bc we like each other so much and see so much potential. So I figured, why not give the situation a little bit more time to play out. I haven’t really brought the topic up again bc it’s fairly sensitive and I feel like it’s sort of his problem to solve? But unprompted he let me know that he got a reference for a dog behaviorist from his vet. So I feel like that’s progress I’m happy with. Ultimately I can’t envision a long term future for us with this dog in the picture. But obviously I can’t tell him that right now. And I could be wrong too but I have a feeling that I am not. At any rate a behaviorist is the right first step.
I recognize this is black-white thinking and kind’ve a rant
But when someone says “you don’t need to XYZ, you have so many great friends and didn’t need to XYZ with them, so it should work for dating”
I get confused lol. I do have a great support system but they are all platonic. Imo it is the Right and Correct thing to do to admit when something works in some contexts and not others. If my strategy worked, one of my friends would be dating me. They aren’t. I need a new strategy. Yet this is seen as negative, for some reason, by these friends
Fascinating
I am like 75% homebody. I don’t drink, I don’t party, I don’t play intramural sports. I go to work, go to the gym, read books, watch TV, and take care of my kids. I only venture outdoors when the temperature drops below 85°. My life dream is to have a mini homestead and be surrounded by nature in a village full of people I like (It ain’t much, but it’s honest work.).
I can do all of this alone, but then I wonder if I’m really never again going to have intimate sex, use someone’s chest as a pillow, or have a competitive prank war.
Highly stressed right now. Girl in my social circle and I spent some time together briefly alone at a bar while we waited for our other friends to join us. I found her very attractive. We’ve never really talked before so that was nice.
One of our friends thought she might be into me – like most guys, I can’t really tell. I texted her (for the first time) a little today. Invited her out tomorrow night for music which she said yes to. Didn’t use the word “date.”
My hesitation here is she is fresh out of being dumped.
I’ve been in the bachata scene for getting on for a decade. I’m pretty good. And now I’m done with it. I can’t deal with the physical closeness with women any more, the falseness of it is too depressing. I can feel they’d rather be anywhere else.
A man I dated for a little while early in the summer reached out to me last weekend. We ended on not great terms and I really struggled to get over him. It totally caught me off guard seeing his text come through, but I was excited anyway. He did apologize to me for what he said to me at the end, which I appreciated. But dang, I was finally feeling like I’d moved on from him and now I feel like I’m back to square one. I haven’t heard from him since last weekend; a friend said he probably texted me because he was bored/lonely (which I agree with). But wow I’ve been bummed all week since then. It’s a good reminder that I did the right thing by cutting him off.
I think this will be the last time I post here. It’s been therapeutic to rant to a bunch of strangers but also there has to be a finish line with this whole thing, for me. Hopefully it will help someone else a bit.
Yesterday I went on a tirade about how a guy I dated who I hadn’t heard from in 8 months texted me out of the blue. I didn’t think he was the one but I was close. I hadn’t felt that magnetic or passionate about someone for a while and I knew within the first week it would require a holy presence to get me to detach from him. That I was screwed.
I responded with the “who is this” text the next morning, thinking it would lead to something but he didn’t reply, so I sent another one saying I suspected it was him, to which he replied saying he assumed I deleted his number and didn’t want to hear from him, so he backed off. Long story short, I stopped being the chill/nice person I always have been after that. I’ve been holding out on a grandiose return, with at least a speck of openness about what happened but he admitted to the text being a booty call. He also made light of that bit of honesty.
It felt good to go off on him-sparing name-calling and a complete meltdown but I’m still mad. His apologies were like a corporate email. When I went left-field after making a joke when he said “it was a total booty call, apologies”, I told him it was ever clear he never respected me and that I’m nothing to him, and what I went through the last time we were involved. He just started spewing “I’m sorry” and “I’m a piece of shit, I’m sorry”…”you deserve and deserved better and my actions were cowardly and selfish and I’ll leave you alone for good now”.
Then I had said something else and he said, “once I saw your perspective, I came to the conclusion that I’m an asshole and I’m very sorry”. Like what kind of dense-ass bullshit is that? We aren’t face-to-face right now…explain.
All of this to say, I know now why people say block and move on, or don’t send that text, etc but I think I had to do this to wax off that shine I gave him. He was giving me nothing and my nervous system needed a shred of clarity, and it may have not been the clarity I wanted but it REVEALED something. It was what I did with that revelation that would determine how I moved forward, and now that I know he didn’t care like I did it doesn’t hurt any less, I got my closure.
I love what I said to him. I was witty and mad and still polite about it all. I will never know if he’s reeling over what I said and/or if he does feel like a piece of shit but I stopped being the chill woman and let it out. It’s what I hope to do if I’m disrespected in the future (even though that’s hard for me as a passive person).
They don’t always come back, but if and when they do, they don’t have a membership to your mind. They don’t operate the same way you do, and it’s unlikely the feelings are mutual. It doesn’t mean there wasn’t anything there but the scales aren’t balanced, and I think knowing I was so heavy for so long with the weight while he was light as a feather means…I have more here.
Also I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store today that I used to know from a different city I lived in and we exchanged socials. I am literally allergic to men in this season in my life but it was a cute moment and nature is already healing I guess lol.
Thank you to everyone that contributes positively here and may we all have a happy life with someone else someday.
I’ve been having a few good chats with people on Coffee Meet Bagel this weekend, but the problem is, I feel like I’m giving off more interest to my matches than I actually feel? Already I’ve had a couple of guys ask me out for coffee within less than a day of chatting, which I know is not unusual, but I just don’t feel enough of a connection to justify meeting in person yet. I tend to be very chatty over text too, which I think makes my matches assume I’m interested, when in reality, I’m just testing the waters and figuring out how I feel about them based on how they respond. Since I’m going to be busy with work and family commitments this month, I’m also not sure if this is the right time for me to be dating, and if so, whether it’s better for me to get off the apps until I have more time on my hands.
So having 40F over yesterday was a lot of fun. She brought me a little cute ‘get well soon’ package she made herself filled with fresh fruits and ginger syrup and a get well soon card. It’s super cute! She also cooked me/us a 3-course dinner. This woman is just a pure ray of sunshine in human form. She didn’t leave until after midnight, too!
She also started the topic of marriage completely unprompted. She wanted to know if I had any marriage plans before with any of my exes. I told her that with my last ex, the topic was certainly discussed a few times. We never tied the knot because we both weren’t at a point in our lives yet where we felt things were stable enough to make that happen. In hindsight I’m glad I never got married to her since it didn’t work out. Made it a lot of easier to split too.
When I asked her about her views on marriage, she said that she doesn’t really want to get married. She elaborated that she’s seen a lot with people she knows that once they get married the passion and love disappears because they stop putting in effort. “It’s like they both just think marriage is the goal and once that’s achieved, the make up comes off and the beer bellies come out. It’s like people just stop caring. I’ve seen it happen a lot with friends and other people.”
I was kind of taken aback by her views as I didn’t think she would feel that way about that. I mean she’s a romantic at heart and I’m all for reciprocation and stuff. It’s exactly why I like her since she practises what she preaches.
I can see where she comes from, I know people who are still in loveless, sexless marriages too out of convenience. But with the right partner is doesn’t have to be this way. (I told her that, too). We dropped the subject after that.
Honestly, I’d like to get married one day. It’s not a must, but I’d like to. I’m not in a particular rush to get married, either. But I have to think carefully about this. It might be better to stay friends. I really like her company and friendship so far. I’m not in a hurry to decide yet.
Ahhhh… shoot, I just kind of made plans with friends I haven’t seen for a while for October and just realized it falls on the birthday of this guy I’ve been seeing for the last two months. I haven’t made plans with HIM yet and while I would like to take him out that weekend (like the next day), I kind of want to prioritize my friends here because I need to build a life out of my romantic prospects. Am I an AH? 🙁
So I know we have a fair few late-bloomers here as it were, but if you had someone pursuing you how would you prefer things to go down?
It’s early days yet but I’m trying to see a shy girl in her late thirties who’s pretty much always been single. I plan on naturally being respectful, patient, and uplifting… but not treating her like a china doll? Any words of wisdom out there?