I’m starting to go out more from a life of being alone and isolated much of the time.
I’ve hung ut with different kind of groups, made new aquaintances, and seen which kind of groups I feel more belonging to. Experimenting and exploring kind of.
But there’s something there that holds me back and I feel it everytime I’m talking/hanging out/socializing. I don’t know how to describe it perfectly, but it’s like a part of me do NOT want any of this and just wants to go home and be by myself even though I KNOW I need this. I need this because I’m longing for connection and for more people to be in my life.
I think it’s because of this part that socializing becomes hard. I hold myself back, still overthink, am careful to show only choosen parts of myself, and worst of all: I stay quiet and don’t contribute much to conversation. And I’m scared that makes me boring and people eventually lose interest.
How can I embrace this new person I’m becoming, and leave the other version of me behind? Or is it just who I am, for eternity?