I (28M) have been struggling to love another woman over the years. I think this is normal? And i know this is wild to say, but most women emotionally and intellectually turn me off. Harshest way of putting it.
Backstory: back in my early teens I met this girl (Serena – all names in story are for anonymity) (1 grade ahead of me) at a district school event out of sheer coincidence and we hit it off. I think that was the first time in my life I ever experienced “true love”. Like, it wasn’t lust or infatuation. Yes she was beautiful, extremely and smart. But she was the type that in a sea of human beings; like walking through a dense city like Tokyo or New York City, you can pick her out from the crowd of thousands and that’s how I saw her. I couldn’t see not a single soul else in this forsaken world but HER. We spoke everyday, helped each other with homework and exams, read to each other before bed on the phone (landline and personal). We dated until she left for university somewhere else to study oncology. I even pseudo-proposed to her, but being as young as we were and our strict families, that was a dud.
Communication fell to the point that we stopped speaking entirely. The only way of communication we had was each other’s number because we both hated social media with a passion at the time. I think the only thing we shared was a game, Tumblr, and Habbo Hotel, however, we both fell off with those outlets. Nevertheless, that was the light the outshined any sun. I knew the school she went to and saw when she graduated and that she was at the top of her class. I always thought about her even when I went into other relationships, wondering how she was, where was she, if she ate for the day, etc.
Yeah, I did like other girls but they weren’t Serena. The spark. The first breath from awakening. The warm feeling. They never gave me that. Dating just felt bland and a void was created. After I graduated from my first degree, I randomly saw her sister at a party. A miracle I say. Spoke a few words and asked about Serena. She was a teacher at one of the local schools. Lil sis gave me her number and I had to put the beer down to focus on my comeback in love.
Rejoice! We reunited. We went out for the entire day. Mall, carnival, bar, restaurant, beach. I cried. I kissed her and I cried. I haven’t cried in almost a decade. Not even at a funeral for a family member, not for a class repeat, breaking a bone, lost pet, nothing. I felt— I felt my heart beating. I felt alive. I felt as if I was truly existing. No, no sex at all. Just a kiss, a long warm embrace and we stared into each other’s eyes and said “I love you”. I don’t even think a single synthetic or organic drug can ever have an effect on a human like I was in the moment. The void in me sealed. After that night we parted ways and tried to stay in touch. I went back for another degree far away and she went back to teaching.
Covid happened. Radio static. Not much going on. The void is opening little by little. Few talking stages to fill the void. None could’ve amounted to Serena.
Enters Ellie. Met online. She was a— blank canvas. Never had a bf, new to the whole emotional attachment thing. A part of me wanted to start anew and get over Serena. The relationship was… something. To best describe it, it was like turning a younger version of myself into a woman? More or less. I will admit that it was more of a great friendship than anything else, but I was being selfish. Disgusting of me. But we dated for… 2? 3 years? Yep, still thought of Serena. Even when I told Ellie “I love you” every night.
Let me tell you how crazy this world is. Me and Ellie are still together, yes. I went on campus to complete an assignment because I didn’t want to be home at the time. Went into what I thought was an empty class but there were others completing work. Someone was playing songs that reminded me of my childhood growing up in a house full of women who were reggae junkies. I looked around to see who was playing it.
Boom.
The spark. It returned. As I looked upon the face of the culprit, my knees got weak. Slurred speech. Heart beating making sure it’s there. Sweating bullets. Yeahhhhh baby we’re back!
Name is Chloe. We spoke for hours. She left and had to go home due to the weather because she walks home. The friend she was with left about 30mins later and said she told her to give me her snap and number. Boy oh boy oh boooooy! I found out she was in a relationship— instant sadness. Yep, still with Ellie btw. But that warmth and spark I felt with Serena? I felt exactly with Chloe and not Ellie. Horrible.
That relationship she was in ceased. One day she confided in me about dating and her feelings towards me. I waited for this day. Every second that passed was counted just for this very moment. I worshipped the ground Chloe walked on and treated everything she touched as if she was Midas. Everything she did reminded me of Serena.
I ended up cheating. Multiple times. No remorse. “Pregnancy scare”. It’s in quotations because we were both excited from our stupidity and reckless but we know we couldn’t take care of a child at the time. Every moment spent with her behind Ellie’s back was the euphoria I chased for years after me and Serena stopped speaking. Chloe and I were together for about a year until she ended it with me. Heartbreak was so devastating that I thought I was going to die. I grew distant from everyone and everything. Ellie realised something was wrong during our calls and asked what was wrong. Obviously I can’t tell her I just lost the love of my life. I lied and told her school had me stressed. I cried and cried till my tear ducts were in debt of the water company.
I vowed not to date again until I could figure out how to navigate my emotions correctly and heal. Ellie and I broke up. Didn’t impact much. I went on a sexual rampage to fill that gap. After a few months I stopped speaking to women altogether. This year I tried to get back into the dating scene. Holy cow THIS STINKS!! Any talking stages didn’t make it past a month or 2 probably. They all disgusted me emotionally and intellectually. And to say that I liked them would be an absurd lie. The company, the texting, sex— meh. I quit dating again. Lots of ghosting, denying giving out my contacts, ignoring, etc. my mood has been stuck on indifferent. I barely smile, speak or make gestures.
I just started working at my new job a few months ago. One day as I walked through the halls a new worker came running up to me asking for help.
⚡️
It abruptly came back. As she spoke, the only sound that filled my ears were the rhythmic beating of my heart. My eyes darted around the halls looking for an escape yet my body froze as my soul tried to anxiously restart my muscular and nervous system. I went on autopilot.
I helped her with her problem. But, she— her presence. I honour the rule of not dating coworkers, absolutely. However, she is now the sole reason I even smile or speak much at work. Yes, someone should not have that much power over me. This is more of a— you see the sunlight at the edge of the storm? That feeling.
I just dont want to keep chasing this euphoric high Serena introduced me to. I dont want to keep putting her on a pedestal. She is the archetype I want but I dont want to keep seeing her in other girls. I dont want to be in this trash dating pool. I wish I can heal and forget all about this feeling.