Hi y’all, my husband got back from his deployment not too long ago. We’ve been adjusting the lost time together. Recently, we had a quite of few house works done by professionals which cost us a decent amount of money. I was trying to get back him to the circle of our norms like asking him to be proactive on house chores (mowing the lawn) and repairs. I figured it wasn’t too much of asking because he wanted to work on the house (got a house last year as a first time homebuyer). I’ll be honest, there were some moments where I had to be stern with him because it was a lot for me to do it myself.
Now, he said he’s been feeling off, cloudy (don’t know what the problem is), and helpless etc. I noticed he wasn’t so affectionate like before and has been in his own world most of the time. He said I wasn’t so affectionate either after he got back and I was more straight to the business. We don’t have a problem in our intimacy and trying to conceive.
I “kind” of know what he’s going through but I still want him to get back to how he was. I want to help him to figure out the problem as a wife. It’s been 2 weeks since he’s been feeling this way and he still feels like this. He said he will talk to chaplain and schedule for counseling. Is this normal?? And how should I approach this? Any help is appreciated!!
16 comments
It sounds like depression to me.
Long time sufferer here and one of the features for me is a foggy mind.
Please speak to your Doctor/GP.
1. It seems like English is not your first language, so I’m not totally sure I’m picking up correctly on nuance here.
2. My initial reaction is this is PTSD or similar, assuming deployment = military.
In that case, he really should go to a professional. A chaplain or religious leader is a good start and can help.
This is beyond Reddit and beyond anything you can do for him. Encourage him to talk to the chaplain and make sure he schedules and attends counseling. What you’ve described in relation to coming back from a deployment is scary, he’s going to need grace and time to recover. I don’t want to scare you but this can quickly snowball into something severe so it’s very good that he’s seeking help.
Is your husband in the military? It typically takes some time for things to stabilize. The best you can do is give him space and let him know you’re there for when he’s ready. Don’t let him go on for too long without doing something. If they’re in the military, they have a lot of resources for family members.
Good luck.
Normal. keep talking.
The issue is that your husband spent about nine months in a somewhat regimented lifestyle. Wake up, eat, work whatever he does in the military, hit the gym, eat, sleep. It was that, day in and day out (assuming this wasn’t a combat zone deployment).
He’s going from a structured and regimented lifestyle to… freedom. It sounds weird, but he’s used to having structure and direction and now he doesn’t have that. It can, as you see, do a number on a guy’s psyche.
Some things you can do:
1. Make sure (in a gentle way) he sees the chaplain when he said he would.
2. If possible, go to his end of tour Yellow Ribbon event (if one is available)
3. This one is a toss up, but try to introduce some regularity to his day. It doesn’t have to follow the same pattern that he did overseas, but doing the same thing at the same time each day can help. The idea is that he’s doing *civilian* tasks instead of military tasks.
Not a Psy.D., but sounds like textbook depression. Good on him for being proactive about it.
But also? Apologies for being blunt, but it’s only been two fucking weeks. Maybe give your guy a chance to reintegrate into a house he barely knows as his own home?
Going from a regimented lifestyle to one with a sense of “i dont have someone telling me what to do”
Can make you not want to do anything, pretty much depression or something similar, I have the same issues, he needs structure and a sense of direction.
First deployment?
Army medic here, back from my last one a year ago
What your husband is going through is quite common. Returning from being gone for a long time is much longer, and more involved, transition than most people realize. Take faith that he recognizes there’s an issue and is seeking assistance. That’s a VERY good sign.
It also sounds like you’ve got a specific expectation on what should be happening. This can be tough, as the reintegration to life after deployment is a complex process for most of us. We feel disconnected and like we have no impetus in our world.
I would suggest that both your husband and you get some couples counseling. It will really help both of you communicate and work together on this.
If he doesn’t want to request a referral from his medical provider, I’d suggest you reach out to his Military Family Life Counselor (MFLC). They do sessions that are not added to his medical/health record.
There’s a post deployment funk that can occur. I just went through this last year myself. Took 4 months to get back to normal. Felt depressed, lost, etc. doesn’t happen every time but it happens. Try to be there for him, don’t judge too hard be available to listen but don’t rush to the defensive.
Wait, is this not normal?
It seems like some really good men have great input for you re: your husband.
Im a milspouse who has dealt with something like this too, be sure to be kind and gracious to yourself as well, as you adjust to a new normal. taking care of yourself will also help your husband, because men often worry about not taking good enough care of their wives.
good luck! <3
He can’t “get back to how he was” – that person is gone, in the past, unless you have a time machine and you can prevent him from having whatever experiences he’s had. He’s who he is now.
Sounds like depression, maybe, and PTSD. Therapy and an SSRI are options, with the caveat that these only work if he wants to do it.
Might also be decompression.
After a deployment?? He needs to see a trauma specialist asap. This could be PTSD on the making.
There can be many reasons. Some of this comes with age and lower testosterone for example. Depression can be a cause as well. Not sure your age, that makes a difference. He should see the doctor and discuss his symptoms.
2 weeks? lol
I presume you mean well, but as a man I can tell you straight up that being this overbearing is the worst thing you can do and it’ll likely blow up in your face. Give him time and space.