I’m in a relationship that started as a friendship and has really blossomed over the last month into a committed relationship. We’re incredibly compatible. It’s the emotionally safest I’ve felt in a relationship, which is heaven and a super turn on.
The problem is that he’s not super sophisticated in bed and I’m not super sophisticated at knowing how to communicate that well without feeling like I’m just criticizing him. He was single for several years before we got together and didn’t have sex in that time. I’m assuming there was a lot of porn. He loves giving pleasure and is really responsive when I give guidance like “do this more” and “yes, there!”
I don’t know how to use positive reinforcement for the things that aren’t working for me. I have criticisms that I don’t want to come at him with negativity, especially because he has some performance anxiety.
Some of the things that don’t work for me:
*he takes out his penis almost immediately; I’ve told him I prefer slow seduction but I’m not sure that landed. He has been in the mindset of sex is about the orgasm, not the exploration. This is the first heteronormative relationship I’ve been in for a while and I forgot how much PIV can turn into focusing on the orgasm.
*he’ll sometimes open his mouth really wide while we are kissing and keep it open. It kind of freaks me out. It’s like trying to kiss an open mine shaft. Or he’ll open his mouth really wide when he’s coming in to kiss me. Think of someone with their mouth open wide enough to eat a hoagie but it’s them trying to kiss you.
*He’s a mouth breather. He’ll snort and drool a little sometimes. I don’t know how to make that a sexy request: “I love when you close your mouth and don’t drool”
*he starts super heavy porn breathing right away
*he gets this sort of little-boy/old man perv voice sometimes
*he’s 10 years older than me and we are middle aged so all this gets in my head that I’m having sex with an old man
He currently can only come by stroking himself and it takes him a lot of concentration. I struggle with the concentration part because things like eye contact and intimacy are really important to me. I suspect this will get better as he gets more confidence in us being together. I can say things that get him to make eye contact and it’s awesome when he does it.
He goes soft sometimes, which I’m fine with and we talked about—I’d rather have periods of soft and hard and enjoying the journey over pounding. When I told him that he almost cried with relief. The next time we had sex I could tell he felt more confident, which I love.
I am 97% sure this guy is worth my patience and learning how to communicate better. I feel pretty lucky to have him in my life.
I’d appreciate any help!