Okay so I have to lay down some context here. My bfs family is NOT normal. His dad (m 60) is most definitely a narcissist. He does not show affection to anyone, doesn’t even say I love you. He was physically abusive to my bf and his siblings for years when they were young kids all through their mid teens. Not to mention verbally abusive telling my bf he is fat, ugly, and will never amount to anything. One time he even said he doesn’t understand why people with handicaps get special parking?? Just generally insane behavior. I could go on for hours. He also an alcoholic, tells his wife to shut up and disrespects her constantly. His wife (f 53) is sweet and talkative, but she’s also an alcoholic and has never stood up for my bf or her kids through her husbands abuse. It is sickening! He is also a senior lawyer and makes it clear he has millions in the bank and his wife has been unemployed for decades.
My bf tries not to let it get to him and is a pretty well rounded individual considering our age. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years. He is very loving and does a lot for me. Overall a very healthy relationship considering both of our upbringings. He tried standing up to his dad and said he just wants to have a good relationship but his dad tried to get in a physical altercation and said “fuck you” to my bf. Just unreal. My bf also has diagnosed ADHD, OCD, anxiety, and depression. His parents have NOT provided him with the proper care or support for his mental health. I do my best to help him but we’ve concluded he would benefit from therapy and most likely medication. His dad rejected his request to use his insurance to get the help he wants.
The real kicker unfortunately is that we live in a house that his dad owns and we are paying him rent. We live in a nice house out of state from our home and the experience has been incredible. Absolutely challenging, but we’ve been working hard together and our bond has become very strong. However his parents use this house as a vacation house. So they come to visit whenever they want and stay for however long they want and to be honest it sucks!
His parents are always arguing, drinking, making a mess, he changes the thermostat so it’s FREEZING in the middle of winter, leave their clothes everywhere, but get upset when we don’t hangout with them. Don’t get me wrong they take us out on expensive dinners or events but their behavior just cancels out the whole nice experience it feels like. My bfs dad just throws money where his dad / husband role is supposed to come in. No affection no support just criticism and money. He uses it as an excuse to say we are taking advantage of him.
Now my bfs parents are planning to come stay for his 21st birthday! They bought him tickets to see paul mccartney which were like $1200 a piece, and graciously left me out. Which usually I would be completely understanding considering how pricey these tickets are! His parents literally said they are pricey but turned around and bought additional VIP tickets for another paul mccartney concert in our home state for themselves which were at least $1500-2000 each. So they are seeing paul twice, dropped $10,000, and left me out. I don’t want to seem spoiled or ungrateful but it’s kinda BS! They also want to stay here for at least a week for my bfs bday. He just wants to hangout with his friends and have fun, and knows his parents are going to mess it up and he is frustrated too.
We, as a couple, just don’t know what to do. I lowkey dread holidays with them or any contact at all. We understand we technically live under their roof but we live alone and pay our bills. We don’t get freebies from them.. besides the house. Having the house is just taxing in itself because my bfs dad is entitled to the house, and comes and does whatever he wants. We just feel so powerless, my bf tried to stand up and communicate maturely, but his dad is a legit man child and can’t fathom a conversation where he takes accountability for his wrongdoings and becomes a healthy supportive father. He’d rather throw money at it and doesn’t believe in mental illness, so he won’t ever change, and said he can’t change. We don’t have enough money as 20 year olds to move again. Anything words of advice or anything at all helps. Please let me know your thoughts.