I’m in a lesbian relationship, I love my partner. She’s great, I cherish every minute spent with her buuut… I keep thinking about sex with men (in which I’m far more experienced than with women). I can’t explain it. It’s like I’m 18 again and wanting to fuck literally everyone, everywhere. It’s overwhelming, I’m that aroused. I was SA’d by various men. I’ve recently mentioned this on my therapy and my libido spiked. I’m thinking it’s part of wanting to regain control or whatever. I just want to be bend over and fucked by some random guy I probably won’t see ever again. At the same time we’re having issues with sex. I shut down because of SA. I’m disgusted every single time I masturbate or have rougher sex.
I connected the dots and it seems I was abused quite often. Sex to me is about control and dominance not about intimacy. I don’t want to be controlled my loved one but by a random? Hell yes.
Why do I want to experience pain and degradation with men but I want to be loved and cared for by women? Why rough sex with men turns me on more?
I don’t know what’s my identity anymore.