I have a wife and two sons aged 2 and 7.
I work as a foreman and make about ~130k annually depending on overtime and bonuses (more this year because of overtime tax cuts). My wife works as an online therapist and currently makes about 40k, though how much she makes is flexible and depends on the number of clients she is currently taking on. I average around 50 hours of work during a normal week, she averages around 30 working from home. I average about 5-10 crisis weeks per year where we end up working extreme hours, usually in the summer but it is random. Some years being a lot worse than others.
Saturday night there was a large storm in another part of our state (5 hour drive away) and my team was called in early Sunday morning to begin restoring power to thousands of customers. We worked 15 hour days Sun-Thurs staying in motels and I didn't get home until early this morning. I slept a good 14 hours today and am still very sore and tired.
When I got up this afternoon my wife was very upset and we had an argument. She accused me of abandoning her and the children again, me making her my servant because I slept all day, making her take care of the kids all on her own. I admittedly got too upset and shot back that I'm the breadwinner and those hours are necessary for my good paying job. She hates when I point that out accused me of being a manipulator. I snapped and accused her of having a cushy office job and not knowing what it's like to sweat your ass off and break your back for days on end. I know that's not completely fair because her work can be mentally exhausting, but I find it hard not to feel this way when she accuses me of abandonment and not working for her. She is now giving me the silent treatment. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight.
My frustration is that I AM THE BREADWINNER! We have a large house in a good neighborhood, own decent vehicles, are never financial stressed and have enough money to take a couple of vacations every year. My wife was able to take off a year of work for each of our children when they were born. Our lifestyle is dependent on the money I make and I'm too far into my career to pivot into something else without taking a huge pay cut. I am part of a union that ensures my family has great health insurance, I get steady raises, and a pension to rely on in retirement. This has been my career since I was 19, 5 years before I met my wife. I get that me being pulled away for an extended time randomly is stressful, but it is necessary for the lifestyle we have. It's not like I'm just going out and having fun drinking with friends, cleanup and restoration work is grueling and I don't enjoy it, other than the satisfaction of knowing my team is restoring people's power.
Eventually I will be able to transfer into an office job like many of the older men do in my company or union but that is 10-15 years away at a minimum. I could get another job, but we would have to uproot our life to adjust to a lower income. I've said this before during another argument and she accused me of holding her hostage? When I try to bring up me switching careers when we aren't arguing she gets upset and just shuts down the conversation. This started about 2 years ago when our second son was born. Our arguments are getting more and more heated.
I don't like that there is more and more resentment building in our marriage over my job. Am I in the wrong? I need ideas on how to approach this!