Gf only wants to do things on her time

7 comments

1. Hi there /u/Relevant-Ad8501

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   Post title: Gf only wants to do things on her time

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   I 20M am in a 2 year relationship with 21F she was always the initiator in the beginning since i was coming from a relationship where we had absolutely 0 physical touch. This whole year has consisted of me asking and being told no or sorry not right now, while also everytime she wants it then it’s pretty much right then and there. She’s even asked to try new things so we got bondage things and dice and she loved them but still only on her timing i’m still being told no pretty frequently at this point i even communicated that it made me feel embarrassed and that got me nowhere. Fast forward to a couple days ago i was eating her from the back for the first time ever and she got upset because i didn’t eat her you know what, and i told her i have no problem doing it i am just nervous since it’s my first time and it turned into a argument. So today i told her just to relax and let me take control and when i attempted to eat her you know what for the first time she stopped me and said sorry not now and said i understand and she rolled over to go to sleep. I don’t really know what to do anymore maybe someone can see the problem within my explanation and tell me what i’m missing.

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2. Sounds like she likes to be in control. You either have to accept it or move on to someone else.

3. Seems like she likes control but to an unhealthy degree.. or she likes rejecting your advances so you eventually fall to her every beck and call.

4. Sounds like there are some communication issues. It takes time but keep trying to communicate your feelings. Maybe there is something keeping her from being intimate when you are trying to initiate it.

5. When she ovulating, shes that freak who wants to try things. And when shes not ovulating, shes back to her boring self.

   When she wants it the most, tell her sorry not right now.

   Also explain to her that there are 2 people in a relationship. If she only cares about herself, she can ask her cats to eat her from behind.

6. At what time of day are you initiating sex and at what time does she usually do it? In the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening? When you’re both well rested, have a lot of free time and don’t need to wake up early in the morning the next day or don’t have important things planned for the next day or when your time os limited, you have a more pacted schedule, are under stress because of other commitments, etc.? Some people like being interrupted while they are doing something else, others don’t. Some people have sex because they love the experience and/or their partner, for others it is a more transactional thing (you give me this, so I will give you that).

   People can have very different libido patterns. People experience sex differently. Some people don’t even think of it in terms of experience but how they can use it as a means of getting something they want. What is going on in your lives and how your relationahip is doing outside of the bedroom is obviously a huge factor, too! 

   Context matters a lot. Is there a pattern when it comes to when she initiates sex? Is there a pattern when you do? 

   I’m also trying to understand what you mean by “every time she wants it is pretty much then and there”. You’re an active participant in that. If I understand right you don’t really mind that she initiates sex, but it bothers you that you’re never successful when you try to do it? 

   Could it be that you’re going about it the wrong way? When she initiates it, she does it in the way that would make you interested and it sounds like she’s successful at it. When you do it, you might just have been doing it in a way that doesn’t turn her on. Don’t initiate sex the same way she does. She tailored her approach to you. You need to tailor it to her. Does that make sense?

   You need to figure these things out, because while “she just wants to be the one in control” sounds like a very easy answer, there might be a lot more going on. To me it sounds like you mainly have a problem with clear communication, expressing your wishes, desires, expectations. Which is very common for people your age, because knowing what you want and how to express it gets better with experience.

   It also sounds like she expects you to observe and figure out/know what she likes and wants. Just sit down and talk to each other about yor fantasies, about what turns you on, etc. Be open and honest with each other, don’t be afraid to experiment, to laugh and have fun in bed (or elsewhere) and your sex life will get much better. Or you will at least know whether you are compatible or not.

   Good luck!

7. From what you have described she is pretty selfish, and sounds like very dominant.

   You need to establish if this is a relationship that you can be happy in. The fact that you are here suggests that you are not.

   Sit down and talk with her in a non sexual situation. Get all the cards on the table and explain what you need.

   Honestly the rejection is a clear problem. It will wear you down if you stay in this relationship and breed resentment.