My husband of 13 years (together for 23 yrs), high school sweethearts had problems on and off for 4 years since our daughter was born. For me, the issue was his drinking (he’s a military veteran with PTSD)he liked to go out and stay out late till morning hours (this is also an issue I had with him for years prior to having my daughter) and he didn’t spend a lot of time with my daughter and I. He promised this behavior would stop once we had our daughter. This behavior happened occasionally since our daughter was born until this past year he started going out every week or every other week and coming home at 3-6am. Saying he was unhappy with our marriage and that was his reason for staying out so late. However anytime he went out he had random excuses like someone’s in town, an uncles in the hospital, his brother or friend is having problems or would simply say he was going out to play pool then come home in the morning hours. When he came home he would say he his reason for staying out late was because of our marriage and because I had changed.
Two years ago I felt overwhelmed and lonely because he wasn’t around as much as I thought he would be after having our daughter. I went 4 months with barely any sleep and that led to anxiety and depression. I thought I was going to die. I started running and slowly but surely I started feeling better. I trained and completed a marathon and ran a second marathon just last April. I focused on myself and my daughter because I could not change him or his behavior. I explained it was because of what I had just went thru and that I was working thru this depression and getting myself back to feeling normal again that I had to make changes. I told him I had changed for my daughter and that I no longer wanted to put up with the behavior I had put up with for so long. I told him I knew that if this behavior my daughter would grow up and end up in similar relationships as I did. My father was the same way and I’m living proof that the cycle does continue. As I started getting better he started going out a lot more.
I encouraged him to get help for his drinking. told him I could not be the wife he wanted me to be with this behavior. I told him i didn’t want our daughter to grow up thinking behavior was ok and if it didn’t stop I would move out or he would have to leave. He would respond and say if we do that then we’re going to do it right and get a divorce. When we had these conversations I tried to move on from what he did prior weekend and try to work things out and then he would do it again the following week with another random excuse. Even if we were out together as a family he never wanted to come home with my daughter and I he said he would stay a little longer and then show up late. I was mad because we’re supposed to be a family, if we show up together then we leave together. Why should I be coming home on my own with our daughter. I stopped going out with him for this reason. He also had annual guy trips to park city Utah and he would let me know the day before he was leaving. His work schedule is all over the place. He works for a utility company working gas emergencies so he would work late 2-3 days out the week where he would come home after our daughter was asleep or the next morning. I work full time, remote. So a lot of the time he wasn’t home during the week because he was working late or playing soccer because he also played indoor tuesdays and Wednesdays when he wasn’t working late. And once a week or every other week in between he would go to the bar after work and not even let me know he was off work then come home late. Sometimes I didn’t even know if he was working or off. He wasn’t spending much time with our daughter, he missed out on so much so I would say he should be home if he’s not working or playing soccer but there was always some excuse to be out.
About a year ago I woke up at 6 am and realized he wasn’t home and didn’t txt to let me know he was working late. I called no answer. Then I txt one of his co workers and a few minutes later he txts me saying he got off on time but he had a rough day and decided to shoot pool with a coworker then they stayed up till morning hours talking. He said he had contemplated suicide. I was worried and mad also. I called him and he said don’t worry about me. He got mad and said I wasn’t understanding. Didn’t hear from him for about an hour when he said he was on his way to work. After that I talked to him when he got home and he basically said he wasn’t feeling well, he was unhappy with our marriage, that he missed his wife. I told him he needed to get help. I was like I’m here at home everyday, just tell me what you need and he just said I just want u to be there. I told him he needs to spend more time at home with his family, if he’s not working he should be home.
Anyway, this behavior continued and I was worried about his mental health so I felt like I was walking on eggshells and afraid if I left him he’d hurt himself. He initiated therapy with the VA and decided to do couples counseling this started in March. This was supposed to be a 15 week program. The therapist asked him how committed are u to making this work? He said 100% she asked do u respect ur wife he said yes. She explained this would require work daily. During this time we had a gun incident. On one weekend he went out Friday and got home 4 am then went out again Saturday and got home 6am Sunday. I was out all day Sunday keeping our daughter busy and avoiding him. He decided to have his brother over that day and he txt me saying he wanted me to come home so they could see our daughter, I didn’t respond and came home when they all left. He was mad I didn’t come home for them to see her. This happened a few times, where he came home late and the following day if there was a family gathering I just simply didn’t go and needed up doing something else with our daughter. He left again that night came home at 1 am. I was sleeping in my daughter’s room and he came in with the gun in his hand asking for the bullets I said don’t have them. He walked out of the room and I grabbed my daughter and was going to leave to my parents because I felt unsafe. I decided to check on him. He was in our bedroom and had the gun pointed to him. I was having a panic attack somehow calmly got him to put the gun down and asked him to go out to the garage to get some air. I explained he had so much to live for. He calmed down I hid the gun and he went to sleep. We told the therapist all about this and it was documented. She said get rid of the gun and stay away from alcohol, when u get off work u go home, when u go out as a family u come back as a family. That same Friday he calls me and says a coworker is at a nearby bar and wants to shoot pool. I said I don’t think it’s a good idea. He said ok I’ll see u at home. Then he txts me shortly after and says I want to prove to u I can go and not drink and I’ll be home early. He got home at 2am and had been drinking. I was furious. I told the therapist what happened and she said he’s not ready.
The following week I went to play golf and I got home at 9:30, he had juts put our daughter to sleep. Then he was getting ready and I asked him where he was going and he said to get something to eat and would be right back. It was midnight when I called him and no answer. Then he txt me and said I came to shoot pool don’t worry. I txt and said I’m tired of this shit leave to your parents. He came home at 3am, took a few things and left to his parents. I emailed him the next day I told him how I felt. I said this your home ur welcome back when your ready. Txt him Sunday I said I’m taking our daughter to the zoo do u want to come again no answer.
5 weeks later we talk and he said u pushed me away too far I don’t want to work anything out. I suggested marriage counseling and he said no I’m getting therapy on my own. I was crushed, devastated and confused. The next day I got a call from a friend and she said I have bad news, my daughter saw your husband with another woman at a restaurant and they took pictures. I saw the pictures and I felt like I got punched. I couldn’t believe it. I went straight to his parents to confront him and he wasn’t there. His mom said come look in the room his stuff is there. I noticed most of his clothes and things he took weren’t there..they mentioned he’s hardly there and last time they saw him was Saturday morning and it was Monday. After this I txt him the pictures and I said everything makes sense now. He responded basically saying u think u understand but u don’t. A few days later he wants to talk to clear things up and I’m thinking he’s going to talk about this woman and clear this up. He didn’t . He said why did u go to my parents to talk crap about me? Then he said btw I want a divorce. I said ok go file. and I asked so what about those pictures, he said that’s nothing. I was at a friends house playing pool and she was there, She overheard I said I was getting something to eat and asked if she could come. I knew it was bull shit. So I said ok. He said a bunch of other things and I just said ok. Walked away.
I hired a PI. Found out he had been sleeping at this woman’s house every night. He was at the bar everyday then at her home every night while I was at home with our daughter. I confronted him and told him what I knew he just stood there and nodded his head. Several times after this he wanted to talk and i said if u want to talk to me txt me email me. He kept pushing to talk and again he would bring up the divorce he said he went to the courthouse to get the paperwork and I said ok so did I. Anyway I filed for divorce the following week.
On top of everything that’s happened he kept bringing up divorce so I filed, just couldn’t take it anymore. He hardly sees our daughter, sometimes two weeks go by. I can’t believe he just left and has acted like nothing happened, yet my life has been turned upside down. There has been no empathy, no remorse. Nothing. I feel like a fool. I worried it was PTSD and he was suffering mentally…now nothing g makes sense.