I told my husband today it’s over and that I’ll be filing for divorce. I’m 27f and he’s 32m and we’ve only been married for 1.5 years and it’s been horrible a majority of the time. Everything happened too quickly, we found out we were pregnant weeks before the wedding. My husband changed so much when we got married. I think it was the pressure of moving to a new place, becoming a dad etc but he became distant, cold and selfish.
He mistreated me throughout the pregnancy, couldn’t be present at my traumatic labor and was entirely uninvolved from the day my daughter was born until he started putting some effort in around the 4-5 month mark. I tried to express to him how burnt out I was, waking every hour or two throughout the night, nursing, doing all the dishes/bottles, laundry etc while he ignores us and he blamed our lack of intimacy for deciding to stop helping. I told him I’m too exhausted bc I don’t get help or support and he said it’s my duty as a wife and he doesn’t need to help if I’m not meeting his needs.
This led to resentment and frustration on both ends. He never did a single night shift or washed a single bottle. When our daughter was 6 months we’d been arguing a lot and he decided to go visit his brother for 5 weeks…leaving me alone with our daughter and severely sleep deprived. He called us 3 times in those 5 weeks. He expected sex the night he came home despite me barely being human from surviving that entire time alone and I couldn’t believe it. I kicked him out after he screamed and got overly angry because I didn’t want it around our daughter.
Fast forward and he’s lived apart from us for 4 months now. He shows up when he wants and leaves when he wants. If he gets any level of annoyed at me or having to help out he leaves. He prefers this and says our marriage is better, I think because he gets to game and rest all he wants and gets to control when he’s a parent. We have done therapy and still are but I feel he doesn’t listen to me whatsoever. He’s admitted he’s “self focused” and ignores my feelings and has abandoned me over and over and yet says I need to get over it and it’s my fault.
He doesn’t grasp why I haven’t had the energy or desire to be intimate. He acts like I’m withholding sex to punish him. He’s called me horrible names, I’ll admit I’ve called him an asshole and piece of shit in a fit of anger. He’s called me a fat whore, dumb bitch, etc.
He’s grown very radical in his views and extremely harsh in thinking women have certain roles and men have certain roles. His “role” is work, mine is the house, cooking, groceries, our daughter, and keeping him “satisfied”. I’m meant to listen to him and he says he doesn’t wanna hear me discuss or what I think often and I should be more obedient and subservient.
He was never this way, he was the kindest most incredible man when we met. Idk what changed or why. I hurt for our daughter. I wanted her to have a family so badly and I want her to have a dad but part of me knows if we split up he’ll move away after maybe a year. Idk if I’m quitting too soon? Today he lost it at me because i was preoccupied with our daughter and getting ready and didn’t “walk up to him and kiss him which is important our daughter sees me doing that”. The fight escalated and he left again, after calling me a dumb whore and saying he’s cutting us off financially. He’ll regret his words tonight and try to “work things out” as he always does. This cycle repeats constantly.
I can own that I haven’t wanted intimacy and that I’ve been very focused on being a mom. But I do feel I’ve tried. I got us into therapy, I include him in everything, I let him have his space and don’t ask him to do anything. Idk why he thinks I’m such an awful wife. I commit everything I have to this family. I made Father’s Day special, I try to plan dates and family outings. I cook everything from scratch for our daughter and make sure she’s so loved and happy. I don’t get what I’ve done so wrong
I’m terrified of being a young single mom. I know the stigma associated means I may never find love again and have the family I always dreamed. I hurt thinking my daughter won’t have her dad or a family. But I can’t stop feeling like if I don’t end things now this cycle will never stop and my entire life will be spent this way and it’ll damage my daughter as well. Am I wrong for quitting now?