As title says. After conversations with my dr, some reading and discerning I've come to realise I was m*lested as a child by another boy. I've had a history of depression, confusion about sexual orientation, a diagnosis of cluster c personality disorder, and various self harm attempts which my wife has had to help me through (To clarify, it was my self harm that my wife has helped me through, not the other stuff, that happened prior. We went through some rough times together and that happened in the midst of that). I know I probably should tell her but I'm unsure how this will affect our marriage. We have two daughters now and this hit me so fast whilst life is happening around me. Should I tell her, and if so how?
Edit: thanks all for the responses. I'm going to keep it to myself and work through it with a therapist instead.
28 comments
Keep it to yourself lil bro
I’ve seen enough Reddit threads when husbands share this and wives get the ick
Edit: damn yall fast.😭
tell your partner. tell them everything. it will make your bond stronger.
Nope
Bruh you’ve already had her deal with all that but you draw the line at this? Obviously extremely limited information about your relationship but I don’t see it as changing anything at this point.
I will say you should ask yourself why you feel the need to tell her and what you hope to get out of it.
Nope.
It kinda depends. You should be able to tell her for sure. But if she’s kind of a weird judgmental bitch and you think she might not support you, keep it to yourself for the time being. I know I could tell my wife. But it’s hard for anyone to say for you to do it since we don’t know her. God forbid she sucks and then your marriage falls apart and you only see your kids on the weekends. Only you can decide. Good luck man
You shouldn’t tell her, but you also shouldn’t let Reddit rando’s like us be a deciding factor.
Choosing to tell someone about that is very personal and circumstantial. I would first look at the reason why you would, like if it currently affects you in ways that affect her, if you aren’t over it, if you two share everything with each other and know she will be there to listen and understand.
Now considering the information in your post and that she has been there for you and gone through those episodes with you, it would be helpful to tell her the possible reasons for those events. She might worry and wonder without mentioning anything so you dont feel like a burden to her.
So if you are talking to someone and realize things, that in fact has had an affect on her life and might continue to do so, then yes, you should. It might put her at ease or give her an understanding instead of being left in the dark and see no progress or realization to the healing process if one is possible
Talk to a therapist irl first my dude.
Reading these replies was depressing. I don’t know what’s the right thing to do, but still depressing.
Absolutely not
It sounds like your wife has been very supportive in the past so I would say probably, but the truth is it depends upon how you feel about it.
I heard an episode on a podcast of a guy in his late 70s tell his wife that he had been molested as a kid. He carried that weight with him all his life and said that after he told his wife, it was as if he had freed his past and could finally move on emotionally. If you feel the need to tell her, it may be for you, not really for her. Podcast is called “Think Unbroken” on Iheart radio incase you want to take a listen.
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/263-think-unbroken-with-michae-84836995/?cmp=android_share&sc=android_social_share&pr=false
I’d tell my wife but she’s a rockstar and always has my back.
I wouldn’t. I would work with a therapist. If you do tell her keep it high level without details but do mention you are seeing a professional about it. The reason for my stance is what other comments have said, you will be irreversibly “seen” by your wife, and if she is not secure in herself and being a true partner the boat will capsize quickly.
You need to gauge the value in telling her.
If you’re intending to tell her because it’s knowledge she needs to help you, then you should probably proceed, but consider what you tell her and how.
There’s a lot of publicity around speaking about our trauma and our emotions, but most people don’t know how to do it the right way, and the wrong way can make things worse for you.
If you genuinely think you can be vulnerable with your wife – and not have her weaponise it against you – and there’s legitimate value to your relationship in telling her, then I’d say proceed.
Otherwise, I highly recommend seeking therapy and working towards healing the trauma. Just managing it isn’t enough. You need to focus on the healing process so that you can move towards being your authentic self, brother.
Can someone who said no share why they think he couldn’t share this deeply traumatic aspect of his life with his partner?
What’s the upside of him keeping this and holding this a secret from his partner?
Be sure you’re not trauma dumping. If it helps her understand why you think and feel a certain way, perhaps you could. I’d talk with someone you know that is aware of this first and get their thoughts.
From someone who has, no…
I was SA’d by a teen when i was a kid. Went on for a couple years. My wife definitely knows and has helped me work thru a lot of it, as has therapy.
I’m a SA survivor. Tell your wife when you’re ready. In the mean time, look into a trauma informed or EMDR therapist who can help you unpack all this. Let your brain process, try not to rush things.
If anyone will protect your heart thru the pain of those memories, it’s your spouse.
Speaking from experience.
I thought telling my ex wife that I had been SA’d as a child to make sense of my hypervigilance. She actually tried to “use it”, twisting it, in our ugly divorce. What do you call someone who abuses the abused?
If you have full faith in your wife being understanding, sure. Ideally, it would be great to unburden yourself, but I would do this with a therapist first. People who haven’t gone through this trauma don’t fully comprehend it. Hell, I went through it, and I’m still struggling with aspects of it.
If you do tell her, I hope she reacts well and is supportive. Best wishes.
I think men should be open about this. Boys, are just violated just like girls are. However, there’s a silence when men talk about it. I was sexually assaulted many times through childhood and even while I served in the us marines.
I can help you with this one, I am an ex-girlfriend of a guy who was SA’d and told me.
There was a huge shift between us two when he first told me. My heart broke but I was also totally outraged at the fact that it could happen to him at the hands of someone else. A lot made sense. All of it actually. He didn’t tell me to excuse himself but instead to be honest. I could see him more clearly and understand his patterns more. These events change someone and it’s easy to reduce their behaviour to ‘laziness’ etc when realistically they’re a deer in the headlights. It helped him immensely and taught me a lot also. I’ll always be grateful to him that he trusted me.
Don’t listen to the other shitty advice from the guys here, if I were you I’d have asked the Women’s page, not the Men’s, as you’re relieving yourself of an emotional burden and she will take it on for you and help. I wish you the best of luck with it!
Yeah I never told my wife and I don’t need her to think differently of me. I won’t ever tell her. I just can’t
Do what you need to do. You know your wife well. As a woman, I would feel so sad if my husband felt he couldn’t tell me. But I’m not your wife. I think a therapist can help you through the decision better than reddit can.
My partner told me , I think it helped me with understanding how they navigate the world a bit better
Definitely therapist and maybe a group session. I feel hiding this especially as you have daughters may impact you further if there is any reason its found out later