My older brother (35) became disabled from long COVID almost 5 years ago. He was healthy fit and athletic and is completely disabled now. His wife has had to take over the whole house and is a really strong personality already so it hasn’t helped with the sense of emasculation that he has at not being able to be the “‘man of the house” in a healthy way.
He now drinks too much, smokes too much weed, lies, yells, and is mean. He didn’t used to do this but after about 3 years of being disabled his personality ally finally shifted from kind and chill to this mean drunk.
I’m not trying to get advice on treatment or validity of long COVID.
I am his little sister and we are very close. I’ve become his medical power of attorney and make a lot of medical decisions for him. There has been an incident with his toddler son and my brother needs to be removed from the home (nothing like that, just so he doesn’t remember his dad like this) and I’m at the point where I want to pull rank and compel him to go to rehab and/or therapy and take some space to try to heal his mental health and learn to cope with chronic illness.
I don’t want him to feel any more loss of power or helplessness than he already does, but he really needs help and he can’t do it for himself right now.
How do I empower him by supporting his mental wellbeing and masculinity well also intervening to provide the help that he desperately needs and has shown that he is not able to do for himself right now?
{edited for clarity} I’m not talking about some fatigue. Not like he can no longer run marathons.
Like he was in an international clinical trial for the worst cases of long COVID brain fog and fatigue because he can’t make a cup of coffee without getting exhausted and crashing for hours.
At one point his doctor told him he had cancer and he ~forgot~ and we didn’t find out until I logged in to his patient portal and saw the plan.
THAT kind of long COVID.
20 comments
So your brother needs to stop drinking and smoking pot. That legal stuff from the dispensaries has a lot more THC in it than what we used to get back in the 90s and early 00’s. You can’t empower him because his life is already so unmanageable that he’s not allowed to live in his own house with his wife and child and his sister is managing his medical care like he’s an Alzheimer’s patient meanwhile he ought to be in his absolute prime at age 35. This is a baby step thing. First stop drinking and smoking. Then get a job.
I think stopping drinking is more important than stopping weed. I don’t think taking everything away from him is a good idea.
what sort of long covid symptons ?
There are still plenty of things he can do if he wants to feel ‘manly’ like fixing cars, grilling on the bbq etc. Not saying he should do that, but using it as an example to show you it’s an excuse.
So yes, he has long covid, and can no longer run a marathon. He lives in pity land.
My BIL also has long covid, and he had to sell his company (tree doctor )cause he could not do the work anymore. Right now, he’s in Norway, to learn from specialists there, since he now works in an advisory role regarding trees instead of climbing them himself. The point is : it’s a mentality thing. I don’t know your brother, maybe you can remind him of his sport mentality. Maybe he is someone who can deal with things by helping others. But first thing: he should want to get better.
Give him a focus/goal
Be honest and blunt about how you see thing and where you see them going. Sometimes, you need to verbally slap your siblings round the head to make them see sense its literally your job. He needs to stop drinking at least.
You know your brother best is there one thing he can take charge of in his life that can be “his thing” and no-one else’s job a man without a focus is a damaging thing for his soul( I think this because we evolved as persistence hunters)
I don’t know about women, but men need to feel useful. Like, really useful, not like we’re being given busywork with a condescending “good job buddy!” at the end.
The best way to cure depression is for him to feel like he’s genuinely contributing to the family in a real, meaningful way.
You might have to do some research in the handicapped community to figure this out. I’m sure there’s an extensive community of disabled men who have been through this.
It’s almost always about how you go about it in these situations. Telling him what to do isn’t going to help. Instead start a discussion. Start with compassion about the situation he is in and work the discussion into what he sees the future to look like in 10 years. What he wants it to look like in 10 years.
Most likely he’s going to say positive things about being a good father for his then teenager son and wife. At that point you can point out the steps to do now to get on that track for that vision. How that drinking and smoking are not going to help his long COVID situation and how he needs to use how limited daily energy to make the small changes needed for that 10 year outcome. He’s probably never had to look at the situation in this way because a young healthy person can Make changes and accomplish things quickly.
Then offer to help with this new way of having to look at things. That’s how he needs support most right now is looking at things he’s never had to before. Of he’s receptive to all of this, you can at a later date look into rehab or other things if he isn’t slowly making changes for the better.
I’m 34 and disabled. I quit drinking about a year and a half ago, I mean I’ll still have the odd night out with some friends but that’s like once every six months. I would talk to the dr to see if he can get on any anti-anxiety meds. When i was first diagnosed as disabled, I was given a Valium script. It helped me calm down and process my life. I am now tapering off my meds, down from 30mg to 7mg. Wasn’t very hard. Though i would say only use them for a month at most as some people have had bad experiences with them. They have however helped me. I wasn’t told i was disabled till i was 30 years old, so the same time as your Brother. I don’t have kids or a wife. I made that choice.
He shouldn’t be using his being disabled as a way to excuse his shitty behavior. I am happy and enjoy my life.
What kind of symptoms does he have that he can get drunk and smoke all day? I have long covid since 2020 and can’t even dream about doing that anymore. I’ll never run long distances again or climb a mountain but I can live a different kinda less physical life. It took about 2 years to accept what I am vs what I used to be but now mental health is pretty good.
Did he get the vaccines?
How exactly did covid make him disabled? I am confused.
If he is drinking and smoking weed all the time, it is more likely he is disabled from substance abuse than long COVID. The best help you can give him is to help him get clean and working out.
Stop worrying about whether rehab will make him feel embarrassed or emasculated. Addiction is a disease. Treatment for that is more important than him feel sorry. Beside the people at the rehab will worry about that and help him find emotional stability.
Man a lot of the responses here really seem to just call bullshit on his condition. Maybe think of it like a mental disorder since this isnt a tangible physical ailment. I have bipolar disorder and when I’m manic I have much less control over myself than I normally do. Night and day difference. Ive also used substances to cope with the disability. It really sounds like he’s given up hope. Probably feels like nothing will ever change so he’s just numbing himself to make existence more bareable. He needs to find a therapist, ideally one with experience helping individuals with chronic debilitating illnesses. Unfortunately a lot of what works with addicts will also probably work with him even though addiction isnt the actual problem its a symptom. He’s seen that trying doesnt help and that he can feel marginally better being drunk and high. With that being the said he does need to see consequences. He doesnt need to be punished but he also shouldn’t be enabled to continue the self destructive patterns. He needs some sort of goal or purpose to work towards even if he can’t do much, something that he can incrementally work to achieve.
I liked what another comment said about what the future looks like 10 years from now. He does need to plan as if he won’t “be cured” because there is no guarantee he will be. He’s grieving the loss of the life he knew, but he has to have something to work towards. Really it comes back to him needing therapy to accept that even though its unfair and he didnt do anything to deserve the disability he still has it. Perhaps occupational therapy would help so he can learn some tools to be more independent with his diminished capacity?
If he’s anything like me hearing about how bad youre fucking up won’t help as he knows. I’m my own worse critic, and self hatred is a vicious cycle that will just keep you down.
This sounds really tough. Youre a good sister for being there for him how you are.
> I am his little sister
how little? (age?)
His present capabilities (beyond drinking booze, waccy tobaccy use) — who pays/buys all that?? (and does he phone for delivery, or?
You can try using the [CRAFT](https://helpingfamilieshelp.com/about-craft) intervention approach with him. It’s 64% effective whereas the Johnson intervention approach (“tough love” approach is 30% effective. [Source. ](https://www.apa.org/pi/about/publications/caregivers/practice-settings/intervention/community-reinforcement)
Even if it’s not a group therapy experience I feel there are good things to take from it to guide him in the right direction, especially after separation from his son. It focuses on inviting change instead of focusing on confrontation.
How is he “disabled” but able to smoke and drink all day?
Should probably cut out drinking and smoking a ton weed which contribute to the brain fog/fatigue
what are you, his wife?
i’m calling BS on the Covid. And I’m not some weird denier. I Was enthusiastic to get my vaccines.
it sounds like the cancer. Not Covid. My mom has this crazy fatigue as well. It happened during and after cancer treatment.
but it sounds like he’s being an asshole on top of it with the smoking and drinking.
The only way to support him is to tell him to get into rehab. ASAP