I (35f) gave birth to our preemie 2 years ago (around 8/20/23) and shortly after my husband (31m) asked me to take over cleaning the cat litter box. He never liked doing it but did it because I was pregnant which I appreciate. Because the baby was in the NICU I didn’t have to do it until I got back from the hospital so 1 week after was when baby boy was released. Our parents came to visit in October so this incident happened before that and after coming home from the NICU.
The incident: I got up one morning and cleaned the litter box and added sand. The box was in the guest bathroom at the time of our 3b2ba apartment. I did shake the sand from the bath mat off into the tub and ran the shower. I heard the baby stirring and opted to complete the bathroom cleaning later. It was the guest bathroom so I wasn’t in any hurry to clean it because we had a main bathroom we used for baths for our oldest (20 months at the time) and ourselves. So now I’m in the bedroom with the baby changing his diaper when my husband comes in and says you need to clean that bathroom now. I said no, I’m changing the baby and that can wait. He replied (with a raised voice) you need to get the f**k up and clean the MF bathroom now. I said something to the effect of no sir you can clean it if you want it done that bad. The baby just woke up and now I’m gonna feed him and I’ll get around to it when I get around to it. He continued to tell me somethings I don’t really remember and primarily upset about the sand in the tub which I get. The only thing I remember clearly was the you need to get the f up and clean the mf bathroom because I was so upset that he talked to me like that.
So fast forward to April 2025 and I’ve been having anxiety because we were trying to get pregnant again. I did recognize that in both pregnancies I noticed he changes (maybe it’s me and my hormones that changes) and it causes some apprehension for me I guess. Example, first pregnancy I was driving and then he called me a rude b*tch (he remembers that and has apologized) but then I had some anxiety in the car throughout that pregnancy. Like my chest would start feeling tight and my heart bubbly like something a was coming up- it was weird and never happened before. I also had post partum preeclampsia (yea that’s a thing) that pregnancy but before I went back to the hospital (4 days after being released for c-section at 38 weeks) they told me to take it easy and keep an eye on my bp. There was an incident where he was feeding me while I was feeding the baby so I could take it easy and I asked for smaller bites and he said do you want to eat or not. So it just made me feel not safe I guess. Idk the feeling but that was 2022 and I started getting anxiety early 2025 when we were trying to conceive our 3rd and so I brought up the cat box incident to him to explain why I think I’ve been having some anxious feelings and he said that never happened. I was crying out of pure shock and I asked if he can just be empathetic and sorry for what I “thought” I experienced and he said he will never apologize for something he didn’t do.
My question is – Am I in some postpartum psychosis? Should I have not asked him to apologize for something he didn’t do? Is my anxiety misplaced? Is this just stress with 2 kids and a mortgage? How do I let go of this experience that is so real to me and is trickling into these other aspects of my life? I don’t even know what to tell the therapist.
We have stopped trying to conceive and I am in therapy. He went once with me and walked out after the therapist said I should be able to go on a girls trip. He says he trusts me but he disagrees that I should want or need to go on a girls only trip and said he felt uncomfortable and left. So I’m going alone but obviously the therapist is concerned and I just need a second opinion on all this. We have been married 6 years next month.
Update: I’m soaking it all in and I have Libby so I will be checking out all these books and resources. I told his mom because I didn’t want my family in to know but his mom is a very strong woman and private and I didn’t want to sit with this alone. If I had to leave him she would probably let me stay with her and tell him to kick rocks and find his own place. So at least I’m not sitting with this alone anymore. I told her everything. Thank you all so much for the recommendations.
And for those worried, we have separate finances and cars and I can leave at anytime. Everything is in my name including the house. But as of now I don’t feel threatened by him. I also don’t allow him to treat me this way. The name calling happened once in the example I told you and it never happened again because I immediately shut that down. For some reason he thinks it’s OK to talk to me the way he did with the cat box—but he sure didn’t call me outside my name.
So I definitely believe I am sticking up for myself but him being adamant about the litter box situation not happening is mind blowing. We can just not have another child if it means he won’t lose his mind. (Because I think it’s literally going.) We have already stopped trying for some months so we’ll see if it’s the pregnancies or if it’s something else that started only after having kids.
The no girls trip thing was new but maybe it was because we got married and then Covid happened so I wasn’t really planning girls trips – just going out for a girls night. So it wasn’t until I mentioned planning a trip this year that he said no to it. So again it’s a new trait for me but maybe it was always there and I just never knew about it because there wasn’t an opportunity to have this discussion. Please take notes for questions to ask on the first date because I would never have thought to ask this.
The cat box memory issue is also a new attribute of his (and a red flag) and I will keep an eye on it and other attributes to see where we land. Narcissism is not curable so if this is the beginning of that then I have some changes to make asap. But for now I’ll be reading some books, making plans should we need to separate, and continuing therapy. I’m hoping (sadly) that maybe he’s having mental health issue he’s not aware of and not that he’s been wearing a mask this whole time but we’ll see. I’m awake and aware. I will tell my therapist about this whole thing tomorrow. Thank you again for all your helpful responses.