I’m sorry for any weird formatting issues, I’m on mobile.
I will be the first to admit, I do not have a relationship with my sister anymore, and I am almost entirely to blame for it. When we were really little we were close, but sort of drifted apart over the years. The inciting incident was when I was 9 and she was 11. I still think she is the coolest person I know. I loved her then, and I love her even after she moved out.
I was in an accident and got a TBI. This has manifested as mental health issues that have greatly impacted the people around me. I would like to state now that I have not, and will never be, violent towards anyone, but I was a danger to myself for a long time, in and out of the psychiatric hospital and neurologist appointments. That does not mean that it didn’t impact the people around me and I recognize that. I have put an enormous amount of stress on my parents, and because of that, they began to pay less attention to my sister.
When she went to high school it only got worse. She got very into debate club, and there were times that mom and dad missed the events to come visit me at the psychiatric hospital because they had fixed hours. I was livid, I begged them to start going to her events. I wanted to see them, but I was so unstable that I was in the same program for a number of months at a time.
I missed her a lot, I asked them to go to the debate team competitions, if for no other reason than I wanted to hear what she had to say, I wanted to watch her do what makes her happy.
My parents insisted that my mental health take priority over my sister’s hobbies, which I don’t think was fair. They could’ve missed visiting one week to go to my sister’s competitions. Maybe my mom could’ve gone to the competition and my dad could come visit me if they wanted to do both. I asked them to, and they refused.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when she was 18 and I was 16. I had a neurology appointment early in the day, when my neurologist noted something that was concerning enough to send me to the ER. My sister had the state debate finals that night and my parents missed it so they could both sit with me in the hospital. I’m ashamed to admit that I cried. I begged them to go to the competition for me. My sister needed our support and she wasn’t there, that I was trying to leave but it looked like I’d need to be hospitalized again, and I was a minor that couldn’t make the medical decisions.
Not long after that, my sister moved out without a single word about it. She deleted all of her social media, changed her name, and didn’t speak to us for five years. She was 18, a legal adult, and she was permitted to leave without notice to anyone. My parents tried to report her missing, but the police confirmed that they found her, she just doesn’t want to speak to us.
They hardly ever talk about her anymore. We never mention her unless it’s in passing telling a story, but I think of her a lot. I miss her a ton, i feel guilty every day for how my parents and I treated her.
I wanted to give her space for a while. I felt guilty but my therapist reminded me that it wasn’t her responsibility to alleviate my guilt, she would reach out if she wanted to. So I respected her need for space. My parents were so mad about it though. They kept calling her ungrateful, saying that the time they spent taking care of me gave her the freedom that some teenagers need to thrive. I argued back with them that that wasn’t fair, she needed their support and they blatantly ignored what both of us wanted. I don’t know if they ever reached out to her, but if they did, I really hope they didn’t tell her some of the things they told me.
She reached out to me this afternoon via my email linked to my website, my first and last name haven’t changed. She could’ve just googled my name and found my portfolio and my socials. I’ll include what she said here, with some more personal details removed, and some typos fixed because I’m a grammar freak.
“OP, this is [sister’s name]. A few people in my life are telling me I should reach out for closure. That sounded like a fucking terrible idea, but I wanted to reach out to you instead of [our parent’s first names]. I’ve been thinking about you specifically and talking to my therapist a lot, and she’s helped me realize it may have been unfair to blame you for how our parents treated me. You always tried your best to make me feel like your sister, but I never felt like [our parents’ first names]’s daughter.
After I turned 18 I decided to move out. My friend offered to room with me in college and I just couldn’t stay in the house anymore.
I’ve done a lot of meditation. I’ve started going back to church and realized that while the resentment that I held for you was justified, it’s been weighing on my soul. I wanted to tell you that I’ve let go of my anger, and hope your treatment has been going smoothly.
-[sister’s name]”
She provided pictures of her and her Fiancé. I didn’t know she was seeing someone, but they look so happy together, I couldn’t be happier for them.
Here’s my problem, I miss her. I miss her to bits and I’m so, so happy she reached out. I’m worried that I’ll push her away if I come out the gate just spilling my guts and apologizing, because again, it’s not her job to alleviate my guilt. How can I respond to this in a way that’s respectful and communicates how happy I am to hear from her?
TL;DR: My sister was neglected by our parents for years so they could go to my appointments and visit me in the hospital. She went NC 5 years ago and is reached out to me today saying she’s letting go of her resentment.
Edited to clarify.