Women in your 40s, what has changed in your partner preferences compared to your 20s?
August 28, 2025
Women in your 40s, what has changed in your partner preferences compared to your 20s?
23 comments
In my 20s my preferences were very surface level (looks, height, am I going to get laid) versus now in my 40s I require a much deeper emotional connection.
Stability. I’m not trying to “raise” my mate. I’m a mom, I already raised boys lol
In my 20s, I was looking for someone who wanted kids.
Now I look for people who don’t want kids or who are done with procreation. So many men I’ve encountered in their 40s have had vasectomies, which is amazing.
At 44 I am still very happily married to the guy I married at 21, so not much I guess.
I texted him this morning and told him I like being alive with him and that he’s the coolest most awesome cutest human ever. 🙂
Preferences in my 20s 😂 what is that? It was anyone I felt the remotest attraction to, slept with them and became overly attached, giving and needy – extreme codependency.
Now, I’ve realised there might not be a man who checks off all the items in my preferences lists so I’m preparing for a life alone. I’ll be my best partner.
In my 20s, there was so much pressure to find someone to settle down with. I looked for stability, similar income, and similar life goals. I should have looked at their overall demeanor more.
Now, I watch everything, from how they interact with service people to how they handle themselves in traffic. I look back and see that was the first sign that my ex-husband had a tendency towards being abusive.
When I was in my 20s I was trying to find a good Christian man my parents would like. Now I like younger men with neck tattoos.
20s–Wanted the bad boy.
Fast forward to today – – I’m happy alone.
20s: Men
Now: Not men
Accepting emotionally unavailability to he MUST be emotionally available
I used to like straight girls, now I like gay women.
[removed]
In my early 20s I was really messed up about sex, ashamed and afraid of and confused by my own sexuality. I didn’t want to have to deal with that or feel pressured. Which is how I ended up getting married to a man who’s asexual. Thought it would be fine at first, I suppose not expecting I would ever change. Except I did gradually, and was quite miserable in an amicable but passionless marriage. Plus after realising I was bi, for a while I definitely wanted to be with a woman more than a man, and when my ex-husband and I split that’s what I did. I also idealised the idea of passion stemming from some kind of fucked-up toxicity, and learnt the hard way that (not unsurprisingly) that’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
In my 40s now, been with my second husband just over five years. I figured out it was possible to have a relationship with the right balance of passion and sexual connection *and* safety and stability and really close friendship.
Gender. I may be bi, I occasionally am physically attracted to a man, but men are far more work than I want to bother with
Almost 40. My partner now is emotionally stable, confident, a good man, someone people look up to.
Partners in my 20s. One word foockboys
Nothing much, to be honest. I understood myself, my standards, and my preferences already in my 20s, and I wasn’t a person who entered relationships lightly, so there haven’t been any significant changes in what I want/need for a compatible life partner since then. I’m married and monogamous, so it isn’t relevant to me at this point, but my preferences wouldn’t be different if I were single.
I was married for the first time around 19 or 20 and divorced at 28. I changed and learned a lot during my 20s, but the difference isn’t 20s vs 40s. My teen/early 20s I knew what I wanted but not how to achieve it in a healthy way. By the time of my divorce, I knew far better. My goals and preferences didn’t change, but my ability to achieve them did.
In my 20s, I liked clean cut guys – picture the guys on Nantucket with preppy shorts and polos. Now, in my mid 40s I like Paul Bunyan types – big, burley, hairy dudes with beards. Someone who looks like they could bench/rail me but simultaneously protect me.
Thankfully, that’s my husband! He morphed from a clean cut guy in his 20s to a big, bearded teddy bear and I love it 🥰. I even seek porn with men looking like him on the rare occasions I need it.
The ability to say “no” without feeling the need to give a reason. It’s the ultimate superpower.
In my 20s, I wanted an outgoing and funny partner – the very social type. After some pretty bad experiences and now in my 40s, I’m only interested in people who are obviously kind, honest, and have a quieter style. I can’t trust the loud ones anymore.
I think my husband is hot but I no longer care if anyone else does.
That mattered to me way too much when I was younger.
In my 20s.. my husband with brown hair.
In my 40s..my husband with silver hair.
They have to have it together across the board. Stable job with good income, reasonably good relationship with children, cannot be living in their mother‘s basement, they need to be able to communicate, and they need to be able to take care of themselves. I know in the 40s things can get dicey when it comes to an X, so I give a little more leeway there. But overall, they need to be equal or better. I have my life together and did even as a single mother. I expect the same.
23 comments
In my 20s my preferences were very surface level (looks, height, am I going to get laid) versus now in my 40s I require a much deeper emotional connection.
Stability. I’m not trying to “raise” my mate. I’m a mom, I already raised boys lol
In my 20s, I was looking for someone who wanted kids.
Now I look for people who don’t want kids or who are done with procreation. So many men I’ve encountered in their 40s have had vasectomies, which is amazing.
At 44 I am still very happily married to the guy I married at 21, so not much I guess.
I texted him this morning and told him I like being alive with him and that he’s the coolest most awesome cutest human ever. 🙂
Preferences in my 20s 😂 what is that? It was anyone I felt the remotest attraction to, slept with them and became overly attached, giving and needy – extreme codependency.
Now, I’ve realised there might not be a man who checks off all the items in my preferences lists so I’m preparing for a life alone. I’ll be my best partner.
In my 20s, there was so much pressure to find someone to settle down with. I looked for stability, similar income, and similar life goals. I should have looked at their overall demeanor more.
Now, I watch everything, from how they interact with service people to how they handle themselves in traffic. I look back and see that was the first sign that my ex-husband had a tendency towards being abusive.
When I was in my 20s I was trying to find a good Christian man my parents would like. Now I like younger men with neck tattoos.
20s–Wanted the bad boy.
Fast forward to today – – I’m happy alone.
20s: Men
Now: Not men
Accepting emotionally unavailability to he MUST be emotionally available
I used to like straight girls, now I like gay women.
[removed]
In my early 20s I was really messed up about sex, ashamed and afraid of and confused by my own sexuality. I didn’t want to have to deal with that or feel pressured. Which is how I ended up getting married to a man who’s asexual. Thought it would be fine at first, I suppose not expecting I would ever change. Except I did gradually, and was quite miserable in an amicable but passionless marriage. Plus after realising I was bi, for a while I definitely wanted to be with a woman more than a man, and when my ex-husband and I split that’s what I did. I also idealised the idea of passion stemming from some kind of fucked-up toxicity, and learnt the hard way that (not unsurprisingly) that’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
In my 40s now, been with my second husband just over five years. I figured out it was possible to have a relationship with the right balance of passion and sexual connection *and* safety and stability and really close friendship.
Gender. I may be bi, I occasionally am physically attracted to a man, but men are far more work than I want to bother with
Almost 40. My partner now is emotionally stable, confident, a good man, someone people look up to.
Partners in my 20s. One word foockboys
Nothing much, to be honest. I understood myself, my standards, and my preferences already in my 20s, and I wasn’t a person who entered relationships lightly, so there haven’t been any significant changes in what I want/need for a compatible life partner since then. I’m married and monogamous, so it isn’t relevant to me at this point, but my preferences wouldn’t be different if I were single.
I was married for the first time around 19 or 20 and divorced at 28. I changed and learned a lot during my 20s, but the difference isn’t 20s vs 40s. My teen/early 20s I knew what I wanted but not how to achieve it in a healthy way. By the time of my divorce, I knew far better. My goals and preferences didn’t change, but my ability to achieve them did.
In my 20s, I liked clean cut guys – picture the guys on Nantucket with preppy shorts and polos. Now, in my mid 40s I like Paul Bunyan types – big, burley, hairy dudes with beards. Someone who looks like they could bench/rail me but simultaneously protect me.
Thankfully, that’s my husband! He morphed from a clean cut guy in his 20s to a big, bearded teddy bear and I love it 🥰. I even seek porn with men looking like him on the rare occasions I need it.
The ability to say “no” without feeling the need to give a reason. It’s the ultimate superpower.
In my 20s, I wanted an outgoing and funny partner – the very social type. After some pretty bad experiences and now in my 40s, I’m only interested in people who are obviously kind, honest, and have a quieter style. I can’t trust the loud ones anymore.
I think my husband is hot but I no longer care if anyone else does.
That mattered to me way too much when I was younger.
In my 20s.. my husband with brown hair.
In my 40s..my husband with silver hair.
They have to have it together across the board. Stable job with good income, reasonably good relationship with children, cannot be living in their mother‘s basement, they need to be able to communicate, and they need to be able to take care of themselves. I know in the 40s things can get dicey when it comes to an X, so I give a little more leeway there. But overall, they need to be equal or better. I have my life together and did even as a single mother. I expect the same.
Neuroticism is a lot less sexy.