My boyfriend (28) and I (24) have had a heated argument this morning regarding this girl he follows on instagram. Before you start judging me, please read the context. We are long distance and a couple months ago he had this friend who was obviously flirting with him, sending him emojis with hearts kissy faces and I did not know about it until I asked and I was a bit annoyed and mad because it seemed that she was flirting and he admitted he thought it too. He sent similar emojis and said this is what he sends his friends. We had a conversation about it and moved past it.
A couple weeks after that I was looking for a post on his instagram (we normally have each others passwords no big deal) and then a messaged popped up but it was out of context- just a message that seemed like a responce and I asked him and it was clear he deleted the conversation with a different girl. Then he admitted that any girl I had a slight question about or it bothered me he deleted the entire conversations and just lied to be about it. He continued having conversations with them just kept deleting it for me to not see. I also asked him about a different girl and he lied that they follow each other on instagram and then he admitted it. This obviously crushed me because .. lying is no joke, especially regarding other women. But he seemed genuinely sorry and we moved past it.
Now he got a new job and he will be working closely with one of the woman he deleted the chat with and lied about and continued the conversation. Keep in mind this person was told that she looks like me and she is very pretty and ambitious. Also, if it was any girl I would not mind, he still follows his ex, people he used to date – the lying and hiding is the issue.
I asked him that this makes me really uncomfortable and that if he can unfollow her, just because of the lying and the secret chats. He told me that it would be awkward to unfollow her in case they meet each other and that he wants to keep it professional. I told him that I understand but I don't feel comfortable with them having a relationship that is outside of professional and asked to remove the follow and add her on linkedin. They don't even speak so I dont think she will notice an unfollow and they never met in person- not even friends. Keep in mind there is also people I don't speak to because it makes him uncomfortable that were not as a result of a lie in the relationship. Keep in mind I also go to therapy and am doing quite great and im happy.
He said that I am using my uncomfortable feeling / anxiety against him, guilt tripping him, that this is my problem and I already accepted his apology before and that I am being controlling and that this is his boundary that he won't unfollow her and we just ended the call. He also said that I am impacting his mental health with my feelings, which I communicated quite normally. It actually happened a lot where he feels uncomfortable about a person and I unfollow them no problem- it is true he does not ask, I just do it. I think he once asked in a subtle way. He says that these are my decisions and can't control him to do the same.
What do you all think?
TL;DR Boyfriend accused me of being controlling for asking him to unfollow a girl that he hid texts with