Hi everyone, I’m feeling really conflicted and embarrassed about this, but I need an outside perspective.
I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together for 3.5 years and we’re each other’s first. In the beginning of our relationship, he always initiated intimacy. There was a lot of foreplay, but we didn’t actually have sex until later on. Back then, things would usually end with me helping him finish either with my hands or orally, and I was okay with that.
Once we started having sex though, things shifted. He stopped initiating foreplay altogether. Now, I’m almost always the one who has to initiate, and when we do, he usually wants it to start with me pleasing him. I’ve told him many times that I’d love it if he could initiate sometimes, or focus on foreplay like he used to, but it hasn’t really changed. If I don’t initiate, most of the time nothing happens.
He says he’s content just cuddling, but I know he still enjoys watching adult content and even saving pictures of women online. We’ve talked about it and while I’ve shared that it makes me uncomfortable, I also know I can’t control what he does. He doesn’t do it as much anymore because he knows how I feel, but it still happens occasionally.
I’m on the shorter side with a thicker build. I wouldn’t call myself skinny, but I’m not overweight either. Sometimes in my insecurity I’ll make comments like, “Is it because I’m not thin that you don’t want to initiate anymore?” He always reassures me that’s not the case, but recently we had a deeper conversation and he admitted that he is more physically attracted to thinner women. He said he doesn’t find me undesirable, but that’s just his personal preference. He also admitted that sometimes watching adult content is easier for him when he just wants a quick release, instead of being intimate with me.
Hearing that honestly crushed me. I’ve always struggled with body image, especially my lower body which is naturally thicker, and it hurts to know my boyfriend prefers a body type I can never fully have. I promised him I wouldn’t get upset when he shared his truth, so I didn’t lash out, but since then I’ve felt embarrassed and insecure initiating intimacy. I’ve even started avoiding it because I don’t feel confident anymore.
I’ve started doing small workouts at home because I want to be healthy, but the thought that my own boyfriend prefers something I can’t fully be is stuck in my head. It makes me wonder if I’m being overly sensitive or if this is just a normal thing guys feel but don’t say.
I know a lot of people will say “just break up,” but we both come from conservative backgrounds where compromise and working through issues is important to us. We’re each other’s first and I don’t want to throw that away so easily. At the same time, I feel stuck. It scares me that even if I left, another man might make me feel the same way by comparing me to women online.
Am I overthinking this? Has anyone else gone through something similar?